Like Mother, Like Daughter
by evitascarlett
Summary: A collection of Mother/Daughter scenes between Johanna and Kate that didn't make it into Apologize. Written for the CastleFicathon2017
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I was working on this deleted scene for Apologize and I got the idea to take all of the Johanna/Kate scenes I didn't get to put out there and the ones I thought of later on and put them into this one shot collection of Mother/Daughter moments for the ficathon this summer. I hope you enjoy these outtakes!_

 _This first 'scene' would take place in the chapter 25/26 arc of Apologize while Kate was recuperating from her car accident._

Chapter 1- Here With Me

As they watched a cop show on TV, Kate could tell that her mother was growing uncomfortable. She knew the signs of when she had something on her mind and she wondered if maybe she had made a poor choice for entertainment. Perhaps the moments of violence and danger reminded her mother of things she tried not to dwell on too much now that she was adjusting to being the parent of a cop. She knew that it was hard on her mother, although to her credit, she didn't say much about it…she kept it tucked away somewhere inside; somewhere where it couldn't harm their fragile second chance and their revived bond. Kate appreciated the tactic but knowing that something was clearly bothering her made her uneasy and she decided to steel herself and dive in to whatever it was. "What's on your mind?" she asked.

Johanna's attention jerked toward her daughter. "What?"

"I keep getting this strong feeling that something's on your mind," Kate replied.

"Why?"

"You have a tendency to fidget when you're uncomfortable."

"I'm not fidgeting," Johanna replied. "I might have shifted once or twice but it was just to get more comfortable."

She gave her a disbelieving look. "I know you."

"I know you too," her mother remarked flippantly. "I've known you since you were the size of a pea."

Kate smirked at her. "Technically, you didn't know me then; you had no idea what I was."

"I'll have you know that I knew from the start that you were a girl; there was never a doubt in my mind. There was no way for me not to know you, you were in my womb…attached by the umbilical cord; believe me, we were connected and I was fully tuned in."

She gave a short soft laugh in deference to her aching ribs. "Okay, point taken, but still, I know you too…being that we were connected by that umbilical cord and I know something's on your mind so just spit it out."

Johanna sighed, her gaze darting to the TV and then back to her daughter. "Just tell me that they never did that to you at any time in your career," she said, waving a hand at the screen.

"Did what?"

"You know what," Johanna said; her eyes firmly upon her. "Tell me they never dressed you up like a hooker and stood you out on the street."

Kate glanced back at the TV where an undercover cop was dressed up as a hooker; she had definitely made the wrong entertainment choice today. "Of course not," she said without missing a beat. "They only do that on television."

"Liar," her mother accused. "I was a lawyer, I'm not ignorant about these things…and besides, your father watched Cops all the time; they did that stuff on there…I'm not stupid."

"I'm aware of your profession, intelligence and Dad's TV habits."

"The question still stands…were you ever made to do that? And please consider yourself under oath."

She sighed. "Maybe once."

"Oh God," Johanna muttered. "You really did that? You let them dress you up like a floozy and stand you out on the corner?"

Kate shrugged. "It's the job."

"Let that be someone else's job."

"Everyone does some undercover work at some point," she laughed.

"You didn't have the option to say no?" her mother asked.

"I guess I could have but I didn't think it would look good to do so."

"You thought it would look better to be dressed as a prostitute?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "It's just a part of the job, Mother. It's not like I actually went through with anything. Just think of it as playing dress up."

"That's the wrong kind of dress up."

"Fine, it was a reenactment of Pretty Woman…only without the rich, handsome leading man."

Johanna shook her head. "That doesn't help at all…and now I may never be able to watch that movie again and you know it was always one of my favorites."

Kate laughed. "It's really not that big of a deal."

"It is to me. I didn't raise you to be standing on some corner advertising your merchandise."

She tried not to laugh and failed. "I didn't sell the merchandise. It was just a sting operation."

"I don't like it," Johanna remarked. "I don't like it at all. Why did you let them use you like that?"

"Because I didn't look at it as anything but a job…because that's what it was. When you're trying to climb the ranks it's helpful to play ball sometimes. All those busts look good on my record."

"It doesn't look good in the mind of your mother."

"Well that will teach you not to ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."

Johanna shook her head. "Your grandmother rolled in her grave."

"Which one?"

"Both," she stated. "It's probably a close race of which one rolled more."

Amusement flicked across Kate's features. "I find it funny that all of this outrage is coming from you considering that you've been known to undo another button to get out of a speeding ticket."

"I have not," Johanna replied, her gaze shifting away.

"Yes, you have," her daughter confirmed. "Don't deny it; I've been in the car with you when you've done it!"

"Okay; so maybe I have," she stated; "But it's completely different than being dressed up like a hooker and working the street."

"Is it?" Kate asked with a raised brow. "I mean let's think about this; you give a little show, put a little sugar in your voice, bat your eyes, butter up mister traffic cop real nice and you skate by with a warning while he tries not to melt into a puddle."

"It's still different," Johanna remarked. "He's not paying me to flirt with him."

"No, but it is a mutual exchange of goods; he gets a free show and you get out of a ticket…kind of sounds like you were selling the merchandise."

"I have never sold the merchandise!" her mother declared. "If someone wants me, they have to work for it; if you don't believe me, call your father and ask him. He didn't get what he wanted from me until he made a commitment to me."

"We're not talking about you and Dad," she laughed. "We're talking about you and whatever male officer pulls you over for speeding…because there's definitely a trade going on there."

Johanna shook her head. "It's not like that at all…and I'm sure you're exaggerating my behavior."

"Am I?" Kate asked. "I mean I'm pretty sure I recall you saying that you were thankful for the invention of the push up bra because it's saved you a lot of money when it came to speeding tickets over the years."

"I don't deny that I like those; they do make certain outfits look better," her mother said slowly; "But I do not recall making the aforementioned statement to you."

"Oh, aforementioned," Kate repeated; "We're shifting tactics, going from mother to attorney…you must feel like you need a lawyer; you're preparing your defense."

"Not at all; I'm just saying that getting out of a speeding ticket is not the same as being dressed up as a hooker."

"You might not be wearing the fishnets and slut shoes, but you're advertising the merchandise just the same," she taunted.

"No money changes hands."

"For the service you provide," Kate finished.

Johanna eyed her. "You're lucky you're already injured or I'd inflict some maternal justice on you," she declared. "I do not provide any services when negotiating an alleged speeding charge."

"So now it's 'negotiating," her daughter stated with amusement. "I guess that makes all the difference…when you're checking your makeup and popping that extra button before he gets to the car."

"If you think for a minute that I believe that you've never done it yourself, you're crazy," her mother replied. "You can show that badge to me all you want and I still wouldn't be afraid to bet that you've batted your eyes and undone a button to get out of a ticket. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't flirt a little to get out of a ticket or get a discount on something she's buying."

"I bet Grandma Naomi didn't."

Johanna laughed merrily. "Then you didn't know your grandmother very well."

Kate's eyes widened. "What are you saying?!"

Her mother continued to laugh. "Your grandmother wasn't afraid to flirt to get out of a ticket and she wasn't afraid to flirt to get a better price on the dry cleaning, and everyone knew when she was going to the butcher, because she'd put on her best dress, do her makeup just right, spend some extra time on her hair and then she'd butter that butcher up so much that she'd get the best cut of meat in the store for half the price she should have. In fact, I'm pretty sure the butcher was a little bit in love with her. You should've seen his face any time she walked in the door; he'd start to melt as soon as she looked at him and smiled."

"Did Grandpa know about this?!"

"Of course he knew," she laughed. "He hated when she had to go to see the butcher; he'd always come home for lunch that day…like he had to make sure she hadn't run off with him. Then she'd tell him how much money she had saved and he was happy. He wasn't so happy though with her crush on her doctor…I think she knew that and that's why she'd gush so much about him after an appointment. Sometimes she liked to get your grandfather riled…I don't allow myself to think about why, so don't even go there."

Kate raised a hand and shook her head. "Totally not going there…but are we sure we're talking about the same Naomi McKenzie? Because I don't think I ever witnessed this side of her that you're describing."

"Just because you didn't witness it doesn't mean it isn't true," her mother replied. "I knew her a lot longer than you did; she had more than just her grandma side."

"It's hard to believe."

"Well who do you think I learned it from?" Johanna exclaimed. "I learned it from my mother!"

Kate laughed. "Wonderful; passing it down through the generations."

Johanna shrugged. "Every family needs something to pass along; we got the gift of haggling and flirting…which are pretty good things to be inherited…look at all the money you save."

"I guess you have a point about that."

"As always," her mother replied.

The flippant comment was one Kate was used to hearing roll off her mother's lips; after all, she had said it plenty of times while she was growing up…and today, her mother didn't seem to be choosing her words as carefully; she was relaxed, allowing herself to say whatever she wished without much worry. Usually she reserved that habit for their middle of the night chats; not their mid-day on a Saturday discussions…but she was glad that this uncensored side was peeking out again. She didn't really like the knowledge that her mother held some kind of fear of what she could say to her without inspiring anger or upset.

"Does your father know about your little 'for the job, hooker dress up' assignments?" Johanna asked; breaking into her daughter's thoughts.

"God no!" Kate exclaimed. "I'd never tell him that. I kept praying the whole time that I wouldn't bust someone he knew…and thankfully I didn't."

"Thank God he doesn't know," Johanna stated. "He'd probably have a stroke…I had to talk him off the ledge about the dress you wore to your eighth grade dance because it had spaghetti straps."

She nodded. "I remember…thank you for never making him take me to pick up a dress we ordered again."

"I wouldn't have done it that time but that client of mine just would not hear of seeing me the next day…he was such a pain in the ass."

"So was Dad when he saw that dress. I don't know what his problem was when I tried it on to make sure it fit right. We should've just waited until the next day when you could've gone…you had to go get it anyway, thanks to his fit."

Johanna smiled in remembrance. "He thought you looked too grown up in it."

"Back then I thought maybe he thought I looked ugly in it," Kate said with a short laugh; wincing a bit as her ribs pained her for the action.

"I know; you were at that age where you were very self conscious and he got an ear full for it. He just wasn't ready to accept that you were moving into your teen years…it wasn't easy for him. You should've seen him when I had to tell him you started your period…I didn't think he was going to make it through the night."

She laughed once more despite the pain it brought it. "You shouldn't have told him…in fact I'm pretty sure you promised me that you wouldn't."

"I did promise you that but he was growing concerned about your moodiness and the fact that he teased you a little at dinner that night and you burst into tears and ran up to your room," Johanna said with a laugh. "I had no choice but to tell him; he wanted to take you to a doctor…and when I told him what it was, he told me to make it stop; he wasn't ready for it, he didn't want this, you were too young, just make it stop."

Kate knew her ribs were going to kill her later but she kept laughing anyway. "Okay; first of all, I was thirteen; which seems to be the standard age for it, right?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes; and that's what I told him. I told him I was thirteen when I got mine and so was Colleen; you were not too young…but he just kept shaking his head, saying 'no, make it stop, I don't want this'."

"Did he think I wanted it?" she asked, her hand moving to gingerly hold her side. "Because trust me, I didn't."

"I told him that…I told him none of us wanted it…except for a few strange people who seem to anticipate that first one, which I never understood at all."

"Me neither; the whole idea of it just…I don't know," Kate said with a shake of her head and a laugh. "I think it horrified me."

"Of course it did; you called me at work and told me to come home, you thought you were dying…despite us already having that discussion about that certain female joy that would be coming your way that we all get to experience."

"Yeah, well, I wanted to be sure," her daughter replied. "The possibility that I could be dying came to mind and I needed a second opinion…I'm just glad it didn't happen on one of the days I was at Grandma Beckett's; you only let me stay by myself for an hour or two once a week for awhile…and I had to call as soon as I got home and let you know I had locked the door and wasn't using the stove."

"What can I say; letting you stay by yourself was the hard moment for me…I could deal with school dances and periods; it was letting you be alone that bothered me…I just wanted to keep you safe…but I had to let go a little and let you learn; show you that I trusted you," Johanna replied.

Kate was silent for a moment, letting the memory come back to her. "You came home early that day when I called," she said quietly.

"Of course I did; I wasn't going to let you sit at home being worried about something like that. I knew what the problem was; knew that somewhere inside you probably knew too; but it startled you and you needed me. I wasn't going to embarrass you by discussing it on the phone when I had told you there was a client in my office, and he was listening to every word I said. I had to come home and help you deal with it."

"You must not have finished your meeting; you got home quicker than I expected," she said softly.

"I didn't," Johanna confirmed. "I told him my daughter had an emergency and I needed to leave; he wasn't happy…he said he was paying me to do a job not coddle my kid."

"What did you say?" Kate asked.

"I told him the phone book was full of other lawyers if he wanted to find someone else; my daughter came first," she said softly.

"Did he drop you as his lawyer?"

She shook her head. "Surprisingly no; he rescheduled for a few days later, bitched a lot and docked my fee by fifty dollars but I didn't give a damn."

"Sorry," Kate murmured.

"Don't be," Johanna replied. "It wasn't the first time I left work early to tend to a family issue…or my sick child. Some things are more important and if people can't understand that, then that's their problem."

She offered her mother a small smile. "Thanks for coming that day."

Johanna took her hand. "I'm your mother; it was no problem. Getting you through the experience was a lot easier than getting your father through it. He kept making anguished groans all night."

Just like that, the mood was lightened once more before the emotion of the moment could drive them into uncertain waters despite their more relaxed closeness in the days following Kate's accident. She gave a soft short laugh. "I can't believe he told you to make it stop."

"He did…I told him if I had the power to stop it, I'd stop my own."

Her daughter smirked at her. "I'm sure by now you no longer have that issue…you're of that age now."

Her mother gave her a smug look. "Don't go thinking you're being cute; not dealing with periods is the one good thing about being in this age frame; but I lasted until I was 52; and they say your mother is a good indication of how long you'll go, so miss sassy pants, you've still got another twenty years; who's laughing now?"

"That's cold, Mother; very cold."

"And yet so true," Johanna quipped. "How are you feeling; you're favoring your side. Do you need a pain pill?"

Kate shook her head. "No; maybe just some Advil; I'd rather see if that works first."

"Alright," her mother replied as she rose from the couch. "I'll get it."

Kate shifted and curled into the corner of the sofa; hating that the injury hurt so much and that the medication made her feel tired. But she'd be lying if she said it wasn't nice to have her mother around to take care of her again. She'd also be lying if she said she didn't enjoy these easier conversations between them.

"Here you go," Johanna said as she returned to the room with two tablets and a glass of water. "We'll give it two hours; if it hasn't helped by then, we'll cut a pain pill in half, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed before swallowing the tablets that were offered to her.

Johanna put the glass on the stand and then settled back down on the sofa with her. "If you get sleepy; go to sleep, everything will be alright."

"I know; but I'm fine for now," she replied; and then she decided to switch the topic back to its original focus. "How do you think Dad would feel about your, shall we say, speeding ticket negotiations?"

Her mother smiled. "He knows all about it."

"Then why was I always told, 'don't tell your father'?"

"Two reasons; one, he doesn't like it…but he does know about it; he's known since before we were dating; and two, you know he hates when I speed. I didn't want lectures."

"How did Dad know about your cop flirt tactic before you were dating?"

"Because he's seen me do it," she answered. "I was driving his car one day and we got pulled over…he saw the whole thing."

"And he married you anyway," Kate teased.

She nodded. "What can I say; your father has impeccable taste when it comes to choosing a wife."

"And yet you made mention of him and Melanie…and you still really haven't told me about her and that whole situation."

"I'd rather not taint a good mood with thoughts of Melanie," Johanna replied. "But maybe I'll tell you that story tomorrow. I don't want you to overtax yourself."

"How would I overtax myself?" Kate asked "I'm sitting on the couch with you listening to you talk."

"Yes; but Melanie seems to instantly inspire a level of intense hatred in me that brings along with it high sarcasm and violent urges…which you would probably find amusing and you'd hurt your ribs more by laughing."

"But still," Kate said; "It's not like I'm time traveling to witness the events unfold…although I think I would if I could just so I could watch a few of your soap opera moments."

Her mother smiled wistfully. "I miss those days. I didn't know how good I had it back then."

"What do you mean?"

"The worries I had back then…they seem so simple and miniscule compared to what I've been worrying about for so long now."

Kate shifted uncomfortably; she didn't really want to go down this road despite the fact that they were a bit closer now. "Probably a lot of people feel that way," she replied; knowing it was a generic answer but it was the best she could come up with.

"Maybe so," Johanna said quietly. "One worry has stayed the same; although it took a break for about 21 years."

"What's that?"

"Being alone," her mother answered softly. "That worry made a rapid reappearance thirteen years ago and hasn't gone away yet."

"You're not alone anymore," Kate stated; her gaze shifting away.

"I know…but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel like the possibility was still there."

"Why do you say that?" her daughter asked.

Because she wasn't a fool, Johanna thought to herself. She knew that it wouldn't take much to upset the precarious bonds that she was rebuilding. She knew that one wrong move or word and her whole world could come apart again before the glue on the pieces she had put back together had properly dried. Jim and Katie could change their minds and send her packing. They didn't owe her anything. She'd be destroyed but she couldn't hold it against them if they asked her to go at some future point. She didn't like to think about that…especially when her daughter had been letting her in more lately and the fact that her husband had stopped on his way to a meeting about work just to check on her and kiss her good morning…allowed her to cajole him into staying for a quick breakfast. But it stayed in her mind just the same…that any given moment they could decide that they didn't want to do this after all.

A flick against her arm and her daughter's voice saying "Hey" pulled her from her thoughts.

"Hmm?" she answered absentmindedly as she shook off the depressing thoughts that sometimes consumed her.

"I think I lost you for a minute," Kate remarked.

The comment slammed into her in a way she knew Kate didn't mean but she found herself shaking her head, her hands trembling slightly at the thought of them being parted again. "No; you won't lose me again…I won't let that happen."

Puzzlement filled her daughter's eyes. "I didn't mean that."

"I know…" she said before trailing off, trying desperately to keep from sinking back into her thoughts.

Kate flicked her once again. "Hey; I thought you weren't tainting a good mood?"

"I didn't mean to," Johanna confessed.

"Then stop it," she said, flicking her again. "Go get a glass of wine; you seem like maybe you could use one…you seem tense all of a sudden."

Her mother shook her head. "I'm fine."

Another flick landed against Johanna's arm as her daughter eyed her with a raised brow.

"Why are you flicking me?" she exclaimed, pulling her arm against her and hopefully out of range.

"Because it annoys you," Kate replied.

She glared at her. "You know this and yet you're doing it anyway?"

Kate nodded. "Seems that way."

Johanna made a graceful sweep of her hand and flicked Kate in the ear. "Ow!" her daughter exclaimed.

"How do you like it?" her mother asked.

"I didn't flick you in the ear!"

"No; but unfortunately the side of you I'm closest to is injured…but your ear is fine."

"At least it was," Kate retorted as she rubbed her ear.

Johanna laughed. "Now you'll learn."

"No; I'll just retaliate at a later date," the younger woman proclaimed. "I just didn't want you going to that place you seem to go to…I don't like when you go there."

"I don't like it either," Johanna said quietly.

"Then don't go there," Kate replied softly, her fingers reaching out and entwining with her mother's. "Stay here with me."

Tears stung her eyes and she swallowed hard as she gave her daughter's fingers a gentle squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere…I promise."

"You can have a glass of wine though if you want one…we usually have one when we're here alone."

"I'm not going to drink your wine in front of you when you can't have any right now," Johanna declared as she got up from the sofa. "I'll get another soda."

"I guess you're probably not going to bring me one since you're such a stickler for rules," Kate commented; needling her mother about restricting her caffeine intake due to her concussion.

"I'll bring you a small juice glass of soda and that's it for now," Johanna replied. "Still no coffee, so don't even bother working your way up to that one later."

"I'll take what I can get," she remarked, a touch of sarcasm in her voice.

Johanna returned to the room a few minutes later and handed Kate her small glass while taking a sip of her own drink before putting it on the stand. She settled back down on the couch with her daughter, her eyes glancing to the television screen where the cop show still played, the female cop still in her hooker garb. "I'll tell you one thing, Katherine Houghton," she said somewhat firmly; "If I ever drive down a street and see you standing there dressed like a hooker, I'm getting out of the car and beating you for it…and I don't care what your excuse for it is."

Kate smirked at her. "I think I'm a little too known now for the hooker stings, Mother."

"It's a good damn thing," Johanna replied; "Because I mean it; I would get out of the car."

"Oh I know you would…and I'd probably be unemployed for it."

"I'd pay your bills until you found something else; I'd consider it a small price to pay to keep you from pretend hooker duty."

"I promise you that it will never happen again," Kate stated.

"Good; make sure it doesn't…and if they want to try to fire you for saying no; I'll just sue them for you, so don't worry about it, you'll be a wealthy woman when I'm done."

"Let's not think about you picking up your law career," she replied. "We're not tainting a good mood, remember?"

"Right," Johanna agreed; dropping that line of the conversation. "But you know, just the same, don't ever let me catch you standing around like that."

"I already promised…don't make me pull you over for speeding, because you will get a ticket from me…and if one of my colleagues should; please just take the ticket and don't work your charm on them, I don't need to hear it in the break room."

Her mother picked up her glass of soda. "I don't think I can promise that."

"Why not?"

"Because I like wiggling out of speeding tickets…it lets me know I've still got it."

Kate laughed. "Dad doesn't let you know enough?"

"Of course he does; but, you know, once in awhile you like to know that more than one person thinks so in an entirely innocent fashion."

She nodded. "I get that."

"I figured you might."

"So…tomorrow's story hour is Melanie, right?"

Johanna smiled. "Yes, dear; if you insist, we shall discuss the Slut Queen."

Kate's eyes sparkled with amusement. "I definitely insist."

"How are you feeling? Is the Advil helping?"

"Yeah; I'm feeling some better," Kate answered; a small smile on her lips. It wasn't just the medication that was helping…it was the comfort of an easy afternoon with her mother as well.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter is also set in the arc of Kate's recovery from her car accident in Apologize; she's collecting that promised story about Melanie from Johanna in this one._

Chapter 2 – Girl Talk

"Well, I'm waiting," Kate said the next day as she carefully sat down across the kitchen table from her mother.

"I'm waiting too," Johanna replied while peeling potatoes for their dinner later in the day. "When do you think your father will get here?"

Her daughter smirked at her. "I don't know but I'm sure he'll be along; he knows you're making fried chicken for dinner…after all, he did show up here last night with a grocery bag containing packs of chicken and a sack of potatoes. I think he thought he was being subtle with his hints for today's dinner."

Johanna smiled as she laid down the peeler and picked up the knife to slice the potato she had finished peeling. "Since we love him, we shall indulge that delusion of his. But I do hate when he has to work on a weekend. He went to a meeting yesterday."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm sure he'll come running to your side by dinner time; there's really no need to pine for him. He stopped this morning to see you."

Her mother frowned. "But still…"

"He'll be here."

"I can't help it that I miss him."

"It's only been a few hours; I think you'll be okay," Kate replied. "He just had the meeting about this case and then he was going to take care of a few things. Why are you being impatient? Do you two have a hot date or something?"

"I wish," Johanna muttered; "But I'll settle for what I can get."

"Hmm…you're depriving me of caffeine and the universe is depriving you of your husband…Castle would say it's some kind of cosmic justice for slapping my hand every time I reach for a coffee mug."

"You're not getting coffee for a medical reason," her mother retorted. "I let you have a little bit of soda, that's as far as we're going to push the line. As for the punishment; I think the universe has already deprived me of my husband enough."

Kate sighed. "I need to go back to work."

"Why?" her mother asked. "Am I that bad of a roommate that you can't wait to go back to work?"

"No, Mother."

"Then why the rush?"

"Because we have an issue that needs taken care of," she reminded her. "You know, the one that would allow you to go home to your husband so you could see him as much as you like…and demand that he take no weekend meetings so you can have him all to yourself."

"I'm aware of the issue," Johanna said slowly. "I just don't want you rushing your recovery. As for making weekend demands on my husband…well…it's not so terrible to want to monopolize him sometimes, is it? He is mine, after all…and we have a lot of time to make up for."

"I didn't say I was rushing my recovery and I didn't say you couldn't monopolize Dad. I meant that I need to go back to work because I feel like a third wheel when you two are in a room together."

"Nonsense," Johanna replied, tossing the potato she had just cut up into the pot on the table. "We include you in our conversations."

"You do, but I think you know what I mean…you two are used to being here alone for the most part…and now I've been here."

"I don't see the problem," her mother remarked. "You did live with us for eighteen years, you know? And let's not forget to add in college breaks. We functioned just fine with you in the house. I admit it took a little getting used to at first but after the first month or so with you around we seemed to learn how to time your interruptions so that we could hold a conversation for more than two minutes."

"Conversation," Kate said with a smirk. "Is that what you call it?"

Johanna smirked at her. "For the first two months of your life; conversation was about all I wanted…the agony of natural childbirth, a baby who isn't keen on sleeping at night, and the way I felt about myself as a frazzled new mother didn't give me much desire for anything else for a good while."

"This could take a turn into the recitation of every detail of my birth so I'm going to drop that subject. I've heard it all before."

"If you think hearing about it is bad; wait until you get to experience the feeling of it for yourself."

"Is that why I'm an only child?"

"No; another one just never came along."

Kate wondered if her mother was ever disappointed about not having more children but it didn't seem like something that should be brought up; after all, her mother had enough regrets and bad thoughts keeping her up at night. "Well since you have time while waiting on your husband to return; how about that story you promised?"

"This kind of reminds me of when you were a kid and you'd say 'please, Mommy; just read a few more pages; I'm not sleepy yet'."

Kate smirked at her. "I'm not sleepy now either so you may as well get on with it. Tell me about Melanie; I assume you met at work."

"We did," Johanna replied. "In life, you never forget the moment you meet the person who steals your heart…you also never forget the moment when you meet someone that you will despise for the rest of your life."

Her daughter gave a short laugh as she slipped her fingernails beneath the bandage on her wrist to scratch the skin that the brace was irritating. "So many memorable meetings for you at your first law firm; huh?"

"You could say that," she replied. "I met your father, I met Jeff and Maggie; I met some other people I became friends with…and then I met a bunch of people I hated and still hate to this day."

"I guess you can't say they didn't leave lasting impressions."

"I suppose…I could've done without some of those impressions though."

"But then your days at the office might not have been so interesting," Kate remarked.

"Don't be so sure of that; there is your father to keep in mind and believe me, even when we were fighting we made things interesting all on our own."

"I'm sure you two kept the gossip mill churning," she said with a touch of sarcasm.

Johanna shot her an amused grin. "You weren't there; you have no idea what it was like."

"I'll concede that point to you," her daughter said; "But let's get on to Melanie. What was she like when you met her?"

"When I first met Melanie during my first week at Stanford, Myers and Roche; she was a platinum blonde," Johanna remarked.

"Platinum blonde?" Kate repeated. "Auburn isn't her natural color?"

"No," her mother replied. "Her natural color is what they call sandy blonde. In the time that I've known the bitch, her hair has been sandy blonde, platinum blonde, honey blonde, red, auburn, jet black, caramel brown, dark brown…"

"Dark brown?" her daughter said; "Like yours?"

"No; more in line with the color your father's was…his hair was a shade lighter than mine."

"I'm surprised Melanie has any hair left since she's dyed it so much."

"Me too; between that and the parade of perms and hairstyles she's had through the years…good lord; some of them looked like they should've been in a freak show and yet she'd strut around like she was a runway model in Paris. I'm pretty sure she's on her third or fourth nose job…I looked her up on Facebook after we seen her at Macy's…she better quit before it falls off her face."

"Mother," Kate chastened in amusement.

"It's the truth," Johanna declared. "I see she must've had her lips deflated; she was getting that stuff put in them to plump them up there for awhile…she looked like a damn clown."

A small giggle crossed Kate's lips. "Don't hold back or anything."

"Hey; I just call it as I see it; the Melanie you saw in Macy's has very few original parts left as you could probably tell. You did say she looked like she got a hold of a bad surgeon. She's had her eyes done, she's had something done to her cheekbones she's had her nose done over and over, after she had each kid she went and had the weight sucked out of her. She's had breast implants…"

"I had a feeling those were fake," Kate commented. "They don't look natural."

Johanna scoffed. "She probably hasn't looked natural since birth. Plastic surgery is her hobby…no wait; let me rephrase that; bed hopping, husband collecting and plastic surgery are her hobbies; in that order for the most part. I told her once that she was like a creation from Dr Frankenstein's laboratory."

Kate laughed against her better judgment; her ribs aching in protest but she ignored the throb; instead choosing to focus on her mother's face; studying the tightness in her jaw; the flash of unconcealed hatred for her long time nemesis. "I bet Melanie loved hearing that."

Johanna smiled. "She wasn't too thrilled…I did offer her the services of a friend of mine from law school who was very skilled at winning malpractice suits."

"You didn't!"

"Oh, yeah; I did," her mother said with a nod as she finished slicing a potato and picked up another. "We were locked in battle at the moment but we'll get back to that. As I was saying; when I first met Melanie, she was a platinum blonde, still had her original nose and was on her first set of breast implants. She had just gotten them and was very proud of them; she was shoving them in any man's face who wanted a close up."

Kate smiled; mischief lighting up her eyes. "I'm not even going to ask if she shoved them into you know whose face."

"Oh I'm sure she made your father aware of their presence," she said without missing a beat. "God knows she made sure to dress just right to show them off. I'm surprised one never fell out in court."

"She probably would've won that case," her daughter quipped.

"Most likely," Johanna agreed. "We're all pretty sure that's how she managed to wiggle out of any jams with the boss."

"She must really think she's something."

"Oh she does," Johanna stated. "Melanie is the daughter of a federal court judge and his wannabe high society but never could quite hack it snobby wife. She was spoiled; convinced that she was a queen and that because she had the Thompson name that everyone should bow down and give her her way. She's vindictive; she's malicious, she has no regard for anyone but herself. She doesn't care who she hurts; she doesn't care if she's chasing someone else's husband, boyfriend or fiancé. She doesn't even have loyalty to her own friends. In Melanie's world, no one exists but Melanie and no one matters but Melanie and nothing is more important than what Melanie wants…and she better get it or there's hell to pay."

"Sounds like a real piece of work."

"Piece of trash is more like it," Johanna muttered.

Kate smiled as she picked up her glass of juice and took a drink. "Don't sugar coat it or anything."

"Melanie never has to worry about me sugar coating anything for her…I'd like to coat her face with my fist though…of course it would be hard to break through the five pounds of makeup she cakes on every day but I'm sure I'd have it knocked off by the second punch."

"Mother!"

"I hate her!" Johanna exclaimed. "I've always hated her!"

"What happened that inspired the hate?"

"I hated her the second I looked at her," Johanna replied; "And she hated me too. That first time I met her; she looked me up and down like I was a piece of trash and got that snotty smirk on her face like she was so much better than me. We were in the break room and she decides to question me; asking where I went to school, and when I said Columbia, she acted like I had named some unknown community college."

"Where did she go?"

"Dartmouth."

"I'm pretty sure that's an Ivy League school just like Columbia is," Kate remarked.

"That doesn't matter in Melanie's world; a school is only worthy if she's attended. She wanted to know my class placement, how I got the job; what kind of business my parents were in; it was like she wanted my whole life story and she wasn't getting it. I told her I got the job because I applied for it and did well in my interview; that I was fifth in my class and that what my parents did was none of her damn business but if it put her mind at ease; my education was fully paid for."

"What happened then?"

"She gave her fake little laugh and said 'my my, you've got an attitude for the new girl on the block; well, that'll get knocked out of you real fast." I looked at her and asked her who was going to do it; because I was sure it wasn't going to be her…she didn't like that assessment."

Kate tsked at her mother. "And you always told me to play nice with others."

"You don't have to play nice with people like Melanie," Johanna replied. "Those people are fair game. I was on to her crap within thirty seconds. I wasn't playing her stupid little games. When I told her that she wouldn't be the one to adjust my attitude; her fake, friendly face disappeared and the real Melanie came out; she told me I was a nothing and that I was a plain Jane…she said I better not get any ideas about thinking I was going to be something other than a face in the crowd at the firm; there was only room for one Queen Bee and she was it."

"She actually said that!?" Kate exclaimed.

"She did," Johanna said with a nod. "She said she was the Queen Bee and I was stepping into her hive."

"What did you say to that?"

Johanna met her eye. "I told her it was time for the exterminator to be called because it was my understanding that pests were frowned upon in the work place."

"Oh my God," she grinned. "I bet that pissed her off."

"It did; and I didn't care. I don't like someone who looks me up and down and declares me plain and unworthy; tells me to know my place and stay in it. I don't like someone who thinks they're better than someone else…especially when they classify themselves as a queen and tell me I'm treading into their territory. When I told her pests were frowned upon, she smirked at me and leaned closer; telling me she could take down a haughty little mouse like me without even breaking a nail. I told her if she felt froggy, take a leap because I wasn't going anywhere."

"And a feud was born," Kate remarked.

"I didn't start it," her mother replied; "She did. If she had just learned to stick to her side of the hallway and keep her mouth shut, we might not have the level of hatred that we have for each other. I just can't get over the fact that Jeff married her…I mean I know he was like all the rest of them and had to go give her a test drive once in awhile but this is just ridiculous. I'd like to grab a hold of him and shake him while asking him if he was drunk, high or just extremely desperate. Surely he could've found someone more worthy of him."

"Dad kept asking if he was sure he wanted to do it," Kate said as she reached for the container of fudge that Johanna had made the night before. "He said it was a whirlwind affair; they'd only gone out for a month or two before they got married."

Johanna shook her head. "Jeff must've had one hell of a jackass gene moment."

"That seemed to be the common diagnosis at the wedding."

"What do his kids think of this?" her mother demanded to know. "Do you keep in touch with Christina?"

"Christina hates her," Kate answered. "The boys aren't too crazy about her either but they tolerate her for Jeff's sake. If he wants to see Chrissy he has to meet her somewhere or go to her place because she won't go to his house if Melanie's there."

"I can't say that I blame her. Tell me; was the wedding tacky?"

Her daughter shrugged. "It wasn't too bad."

"Don't tell me that she wore white," Johanna said; her gaze straying from the peeler in her hand. "She's on her fourth or fifth marriage…I keep losing track of which it is. "

Kate chuckled. "I think she wore a mint green dress. I have a picture somewhere on my phone of me and Dad and Jeff and her at the wedding; let me find it," she said as she picked up her phone.

Johanna's nose wrinkled in distaste. "I can hardly wait…she's not standing next to your father is she?"

"No, Mother," she answered in amusement. "I'm standing next to him."

"He's got more than one side."

"Jeff's on the other side."

"That's good," Johanna remarked as she dug the peeler into the potato with a little more zeal than necessary.

"Here it is," Kate said after a few minutes of searching the pictures stored on her phone.

Johanna took the phone from her head and shook her head at the image of Melanie beside Jeff. "Good lord; they don't even look right standing next to each other. Someone should've slapped him upside the head. She looks terrible in mint green…but then again, the only thing she'd look good in is laying in a pile of…"

"Mother!" she interrupted before Johanna's tirade could go much further.

"Well it's the truth," her mother muttered. "This would be a nice picture if you could cut her off."

Kate reached across the table; wincing slightly as she did so and took the phone from her mother's hand. "I don't want you to get tempted to delete it," she said as she met Johanna's questioning gaze. "It's a nice picture with Dad."

"It is," Johanna agreed. "You just have to print it out and cut the slut off."

Kate smiled; amusement filling her as she noted every nuisance of her mother's hatred for the woman in question. She was sure that she had never seen her so passionate about hating one person before. "If you and Melanie hated each other from day one; what does it have to do with Dad?"

"Well I've always been disgusted by the way she throws herself at him…and I was always disgusted by how all those men, him included, would just lap up whatever sugary sweet, ego stroking spiel she had to give. Your father is too good for her…he's too good for me too but I'm a much better choice than Melanie; all things considered…at least I'd like to think so…"

"Why would you say that he's too good for you?" Kate asked. "You know he wouldn't like hearing that."

"I say it because it's true," she replied. "He deserved better than me but I'm what he's stuck with…as long as he's willing that is…."

Her daughter eyed her. "You can't really believe that he'd ever be unwilling to be stuck with you, do you? He did accept you without question when you came home."

"That doesn't mean he can't change his mind," Johanna murmured as she finished slicing a potato.

"That's not going to happen."

"I hope not; but it's something that stays in the back of my mind…and I wouldn't blame him…I just don't want her to be my replacement."

"There's never going to be a replacement," Kate said firmly. "I think that should be obvious since you came back here after thirteen years and he was still there and unattached. He's not going anywhere; quit worrying about it."

"You can't tell me how to feel or what to worry about, Katie," her mother said quietly. "You have absolutely no control over my brain."

"I wish I did," her daughter replied. "I'd reprogram a few things."

Johanna's brow rose. "You think I need reprogramming?"

"Maybe a little," her daughter replied. "You know; like when you lose a signal for one of your channels on TV and you have to rescan it to pick it up again…maybe you need rescanned to pick up some of your old stations."

Her mother smirked at her. "As soon as you find a remote to accomplish that let me know and I'll let you take a crack at it; maybe you can send me back to the mid 70s; those were good times."

"How can you say that? I wasn't born until November of 79," Kate quipped.

Johanna smirked at her. "I had plenty of good times before the good time that got me you."

She cringed a little at that thought. "Let's get back to Melanie."

"Like I said, back then Jim was like every other young, somewhat clueless man; interested in anything free and easy that they didn't have to put much effort into…and believe me, Melanie didn't require them to give much effort and she made sure every man in the firm had an opportunity if they wanted it…some of them more than once. She's always wanted to give Jim as many opportunities as possible."

"Why?"

"I guess he's just special," she replied; "And he's mine…the closer we got as friends, the more Melanie wanted him for herself. She was always trying to get his attention; call him away from me at events we'd attend together. She was always saying that I was too plain, too boring; that I wasn't his type…that he needed a real woman and that wasn't me."

"That's rich coming from a woman with fake boobs," Kate commented.

"Yeah; I mentioned that to her; along with her false eyelashes and fake fingernails. I told her that the same night as the Frankenstein comment."

"Melanie's cosmetic surgery addiction reminds me of a person I had to question for a case I had about a plastic surgeon who was murdered," Kate said. "She'd had so much work done that she was…well…let's just say it wasn't pretty and that the victim had refused to perform more surgeries on her and she had sued him for it, which is why she was a suspect in his murder."

"Did she do it?" Johanna asked.

"No, she had a solid alibi. She was in the hospital."

"More surgery?"

"You got it, and you don't want to know where."

Curiosity lit up Johanna's eyes. "Well now I have to know."

"Trust me, you don't want to know."

"I think I do."

Kate smirked at her. "Think about the 'southern hemisphere'," she said with a glance downwards.

Her eyes widened. "You can't be serious."

"Very."

"Are you sure?" Johanna asked.

"Oh yeah; I'm sure…she told us all about it."

"What the hell can they do down there?" her mother asked; shock coloring her features.

"To hear her tell it, quite a bit," Kate replied.

"Like what? How is it even possible?"

"You're probably going to regret knowing this, I know I did," her daughter stated before explaining the procedures available for that part of the anatomy.

"Oh my God!" Johanna exclaimed when Kate had finished. "What kind of nut job goes and gets those things done? Oh my God!"

Kate shook with laughter, her body aching in protest at the assault on her ribs but she couldn't help it, nor could she bring herself to regret it. "You know I was always sorry that I had learned this information," she laughed; "But the look of horror on your face right now has made it totally worth knowing."

"Are you sure you didn't make this up?" her mother asked. "Because that is just all kinds of wrong."

"No, I didn't make it up! Google it if you don't believe me."

"I don't want to Google that!"

"Go on," Kate taunted. "I dare you to Google it."

"No!"

"I'll give you five dollars," she laughed.

"Fine; give me your phone," Johanna said, holding out her hand.

"You're not googling it on my phone! I don't want that on my phone…use your phone."

"No; I don't want it on mine either," her mother stated.

"Then use your laptop," she said with a nod at the counter where Johanna's laptop rested.

"Fine; put the money on the table first," Johanna remarked.

"Really!" Kate exclaimed. "You're taking the money?"

"Yes, I am; it's compensation for checking out this outrageous story."

"Can I give it to you later?" the younger woman asked. "I don't want to move too much; I'm already starting to ache."

"Not a problem," Johanna said as she cleared away the dinner preparations and grabbed her laptop and the bottle of Advil from the counter. She shook two pills out of the bottle for Kate and then opened the lid of her laptop and settled back into her chair. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"Neither can I," her daughter replied after swallowing the pills. "I didn't think you'd accept the dare."

"Well now you know better," Johanna said as she typed something into the search box on the Google page. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed once more. "It's true."

"I told you so," Kate sing songed; mimicking her mother's favorite expression.

"This is just…so very wrong," she said as she shook her head while reading the search results.

"That look of horror on your face keeps growing," Kate chuckled.

"That's because I'm horrified!" she said as she crossed her legs. "I hurt just thinking about it…I don't know how anyone could stand it. Childbirth was enough pain for me in that area…I didn't want anything near there once you made your exit."

"Let's not discuss that," her daughter stated. "It's not my fault that you didn't take the pain killers."

"No; but it is Elizabeth Beckett's fault; but that's a story for another time," she said as she continued reading. "I can't even believe this…rejuvenation," she muttered; "I wonder if Melanie has added this to her list of procedures; God knows she can probably use some reconstruction in that area by now the way she overuses it."

Kate spit the drink of juice she had taken across the table. "Mother!" she exclaimed for what had to be the fifth time that day.

"What?" she asked with a shrug. "I can't help it if she's a slut. You didn't get your juice on my computer did you?"

Kate grabbed a napkin and reached across the table to wipe away the spots of orange juice from the lid of the laptop. "That's what you get for saying things like that without warning."

"You lose your censor feature once you turn sixty," Johanna remarked.

"Is that right?"

"Yes; at least that's what my grandmother always told me."

Kate nodded. "Something to look forward to….but weren't we discussing Melanie and why your hatred of her involves Dad?"

"Yes; we were," Johanna said as she exited the page and closed her laptop; pushing it down the table away from her.

"So…what is it? It has to be something more than just her throwing herself at him."

"He didn't mind sniffing around her now and then," Johanna remarked as she got up from the table to grab vegetables from the fridge to chop up for salads.

Kate eyed her in amusement. "Is there a reason why you need something sharp in your hand while you talk about this?"

"Melanie has always given me violent urges," she answered. "She always went out of her way to make some catty remark to me and she's always thought she was better than me and everyone else."

"But we're talking about Dad's involvement."

"He spent some time with her while they were working on a case together."

"Were the two of you dating then?" Kate asked.

"No; I was dating someone else," Johanna said, her jaw growing tense at the remembrance of the whole thing.

"You dated someone after you met Dad?!" her daughter asked in surprise.

"Yes; briefly; but don't act so surprised; he's not the only man I've ever met you know? I was seeing someone when I met him."

"The same guy?"

"No; someone else."

Kate's brow rose at the answer and Johanna shot her a look. "Don't look at me like I have some secret life as a tramp," she scolded. "I said I dated other men, I didn't say I slept with all of them. Not everyone jumps into bed with a man just because he buys dinner. I have more self respect than that."

Kate held up a hand and tried not to laugh. "I wasn't implying that you were a tramp. I was just surprised that you dated someone after meeting Dad…I mean you two seem like you were it for each other from day one…"

"He was it for me but I had to have something do while I waited for him to realize that I was it for him," Johanna retorted with a huff. "Believe me, I didn't date other people for long after I met him…in fact, Brad was the last one…well I did go on a few lunch dates and one dinner date when your father and I had our big blowout before we got together…and of course I went to the gala with Charles, but that doesn't count."

"Why doesn't it count?"

"They weren't real dates," her mother replied. "I was just trying to make him mad enough to do something about our relationship…which he ultimately did; and while we're on the subject, never date a man named Brad; they're jackasses."

"I had a date with a guy named Brad," Kate said. "I left in the middle of it to go to work."

"I guess that's why he wasn't introduced to me as my son-in-law," Johanna quipped.

Kate's eyes narrowed. "He wasn't my type anyway. I only went out with him because Castle seemed to imply that I was jealous of his date with some 'most eligible bachlorette' that was in the newspaper and I felt like he was implying that I couldn't get a date or something…and then we ended up at the same restaurant."

Johanna laughed. "And let me guess, he left with you?"

"For work purposes."

Her mother shook her head. "The things we do for love."

"Shut up."

"You started it," Johanna reminded her.

"Getting back to you," Kate said; "If you were dating someone else; why did it matter if Dad was paying attention to Melanie."

Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. "Because it did."

"Why?"

She sighed. "It's complicated."

"I've got time," Kate replied; "It's not like I can go to work at the moment."

Johanna arched a brow at her. "So I'm just your second rate entertainment?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "You're first class; right up there with Temptation Lane."

"Mhmm."

"Come on; tell me why it was complicated."

"Katie; you probably don't really want to know all of this…we are your parents after all."

"Mother, I'm a cop; I've been horrified in more ways than your can imagine; you're affair with Dad won't scar me for life as long as you don't delve into the highly personal details, if you get my drift."

"I got it," Johanna stated; "And you don't have to worry; I wouldn't tell you those details anymore than you'd tell me yours, and no, I don't want to know."

"Like knowing was an option," the younger woman remarked. "Now, you're stalling, let's get on with the story."

Her mother sighed. "Okay; if you really want to know, it was like this. Your father and I had known each other for a year and after the annual law firm gala in May, he kissed me."

"And then what?"

"Nothing; it was just a kiss…but then he kissed me again on the fourth of July."

"So you moved up from friends to special occasion kissing?" Kate said with a nod. "I'm still not hearing about Melanie and why you were dating someone else."

"I'm getting there!" her mother shot back. "When he kissed me in July, I thought maybe he'd ask me out sometime soon…but instead he asked out some legal assistant and had a fling with her for a few weeks."

"That must've stung a little," she said as she picked up her glass of juice for a drink.

"It did; and while he was having this fling; my sister said that she wanted me to meet this guy that Paul was friends with so I went to dinner with them and they invited him along. He seemed nice enough so I started seeing him since Jim didn't seem overly interested in me despite kissing me a few times."

"I thought it was only twice."

"Two occasions," Johanna said; "But I didn't say only two kisses."

Kate laughed. "I stand corrected."

"As always. Anyway; I didn't really tell many people that I was going out with Brad but eventually I ended up telling your father and Jeff because they were in my office one day complaining that I wasn't around as much as usual. Jim didn't seem to be too happy to hear the news…once he found out he was kind of a jerk toward me and we started bickering a lot."

"Now we're getting somewhere," Kate said with a grin.

"I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself; do you want some popcorn to go along with story hour?"

"No; I'm good with the fudge," she replied as she grabbed a second piece from the container. "Continue."

Johanna gave a soft laugh and shook her head at her daughter. She hadn't expected her to be so engrossed in this saga of her life…was still somewhat surprised that she had allowed the waters to thaw so much between them but she was so incredibly grateful that she had. She was so glad to have these moments; and as guilty as she felt about the reason Kate was involved in an accident; she couldn't deny that she was glad to have so much one on one time with her these last several days as she recovered…and she knew it was why Jim was staying away a little more than usual. He was trying to give them as much of this extra time together as he could and while she missed him, she also thanked him for it. They needed this time together, even if it was only trips down memory lane to ease her daughter's boredom. Maybe it was just the thing they needed to help them heal some more.

"As I said," Johanna continued; "He wasn't happy and we started to have issues. While I was dating Brad, Jim had to work on a case with Melanie…and he was out taking her to fancy restaurants and spending a lot of time with her. They went away for the weekend…he says it was just business…but I highly doubt it was the type of business he wants me to believe. I know what business Melanie deals in; he's not fooling me for a minute."

"So you think he had a fling with her?"

"No doubt in my mind."

"Then what happened?"

"When the case was over, I guess it doused whatever it was a bit. We were still on the outs and he was still being a jerk I guess because I was still with Brad and he was working on an extremely difficult case that had him in a foul mood."

"Why be mad at you for dating someone when he went out with an assistant before you even met this other guy?" Kate asked.

She shrugged. "You'd have to ask him about that…you know how men are. They might not necessarily want you at that moment but they don't want anyone else to have you either. Anyway; I was going to stop at his office one evening when he was working late and ask him what was wrong but I had just learned the full extent of his escapades with Melanie…straight from the horse's mouth; she always loved to brag about her conquests, so it didn't make me feel very inclined to help him out. I figured he could go tell his problems to her if that's what he wanted."

"I don't blame you…but how did you end up working it out?"

"Well as fate would have it, Brad dumped me during dinner…"

"He dumped you during dinner?!" Kate explained.

"Yes," she said with a nod. "I didn't even get to finish eating."

Outrage flicked across Kate's face. "Why did he dump you?"

"A lot of little reasons and one bigger reason."

"Which was?"

"You don't want to know."

"I want to know."

"He wanted a tour of my bedroom and I kept telling him no," Johanna remarked; her gaze meeting her daughter's.

Kate cringed a little. "I'm guessing he didn't want a tour to see your taste in décor, right?"

"No; he didn't want to see the room's décor at all…are you sorry you asked now?"

"A little," her daughter admitted. "How long were you with this guy?"

"I guess about three months."

"Three months and you were still putting him off?" she laughed.

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Why?" Johanna repeated. "Why would you even want to know?"

"I don't know; I think the medication has killed a few brain cells," Kate answered. "I guess there's curiosity while also not wanting to know the full extent of details."

"I didn't love him," her mother said; her gaze returning to the lettuce she was chopping up. "That's always been a deal breaker for me; if there's no love, they weren't getting anything more than a kiss from me. I guess I'm old fashioned…but I just didn't have those feelings for him and I didn't want him…I kept trying to feel more for him; I wanted to feel differently…but it just didn't happen. There weren't any sparks."

"Because you wanted someone else," Kate said. "You already had feelings for Dad."

Johanna gave a small smile. "I did…I don't think I realized how quickly and easily I was falling for him."

"What happened when Brad dumped you; how did Dad find out?"

"After I got dumped; I went to a bar we all usually hung around at…he came in about twenty minutes after I had gotten there. At first he didn't say anything to me although he sat down next to me…and then he made some comment about where my boyfriend was and I told him it was over…and he had the audacity to sit there looking like it was just the funniest thing ever…so we fought."

"Of course," Kate laughed.

Her mother smirked at her. "We're good at it; sue us."

She continued to laugh softly. "What was the fight about exactly; he should've been happy that you were back on the market."

"We fought because he laughed about it and then accused me of being jealous of Melanie."

"Well…you kind of were, weren't you? Clearly it annoyed you to know that he had spent some time with her… and it annoyed you because it wasn't you…so therefore you were jealous; right?"

Johanna glared at her. "Shut up."

"That's my line."

"It was mine before you were ever born," Johanna told her. "You inherited it from me."

"Like mother, like daughter and all that jazz?" Kate said flippantly.

"Yes; and I was not jealous."

"You are such a liar!" her daughter laughed. "This happened over thirty years ago and I can still see it simmering in you; it's written all over your face and your posture."

Johanna smirked. "Well give you a Detective's badge and you just think you can read everyone."

"I can."

"You can't read me."

"Please," Kate scoffed. "I can read you like the back of my hand."

"How about you read my hand while I smack you with it?" Johanna said as she moved on to peeling carrots.

"Hey; it's not my fault that you were jealous because he paid attention to some other woman."

"I wasn't jealous…I was disappointed in his judgment and taste."

"Sure you were," Kate said sarcastically. "I'm sure he was just disappointed too and not jealous of your boyfriend…but anyway, what happened with that fight?"

"He kissed me in the middle of it."

"And?"

"And the fight was over," Johanna replied.

"Sparks, huh?"

"Oh yeah…plenty of them…so very many."

"Apparently they haven't waned," her daughter commented. "Sometimes I'm afraid to walk in here unannounced."

"Oh stop it," her mother chastened. "We're not that bad."

"Right; that's why the two of you were all over each other the other day when I walked into the kitchen."

Johanna's cheeks warmed. "Okay first of all, you were supposed to be asleep."

Kate laughed. "I'm not twelve; I can be up at any time I want."

Her mother waved a hand dismissively. "Second; we weren't all over each other."

"You were."

"We weren't."

"Trust me, I know what being all over someone looks like and you were all over each other."

"You exaggerate."

"Oh sure; that's why his hand was on your ass."

Her face reddened even more. "Well if you'd make some damn noise you wouldn't have to worry about seeing things like that because I'd hear you."

"I was trained to make little noise," Kate told her; "But I think I just won at proving you were all over each other…it's why I'm afraid to leave the two of you alone with my couch."

"Oh my God," Johanna exclaimed. "As soon as you heal, I'm beating you. The knowledge that you could walk in at any moment guarantees the safety of your couch."

"It better," her daughter replied; "Or you're buying me a new one."

Johanna closed her eyes for a minute and suppressed the urge to throw a carrot at her daughter. "I thought we were talking about Melanie," she stated finally after composing herself.

"You're the one that keeps going off topic."

"You're infuriating sometimes, do you know that?"

Kate smiled. "I get that from my mother…or so I'm told."

"Your father lied when he told you that; you get it from him."

"But back to Melanie," Kate coached with a laugh.

"Back to Melanie," Johanna said. "Melanie always liked to toss those digs around that she had gotten her hooks into him; that I wasn't his type and all of that. We kept growing closer though…to the point that we were taking care of each other when we were sick that second year of knowing each other. During that time we were working on a case with Antonio and your father had an extreme case of jealousy over the fact that I had a few business lunches with Antonio. He was completely out of his mind about anything I said or did that involved that man. I kept telling him that nothing was going on but he wouldn't believe me and his hatred of him just grew."

"Dad hated Antonio?" the younger woman asked in surprise. "But they've always been such good friends for as long as I remember."

Her mother laughed. "They didn't become friends until he told your father that he had a girlfriend and had no romantic interest in me; but during his rage, Jim canceled a lunch date with me and went with Melanie instead."

"Oh, so it's like that," Kate said.

"Now you're getting it," Johanna replied with a smile.

Her daughter nodded. "That was a rotten thing for him to do."

"I thought so too…I wasn't amused."

"I bet."

"Any time we fought he'd either go to Melanie or her one friend Callie and it always pissed me off to no end…and they always made sure that I knew about it. I wonder if they're still friends…you can't trust Melanie as a friend for too long. She was friends with another colleague named Jillian…that is until Jillian caught her fiancé in bed with her."

"Oh my God! Seriously!"

"Yes. Jillian even left the firm after awhile because she couldn't stand to be around her anymore."

"Did anyone ever punch her in the face?" Kate asked. "She seems like she needs it."

"Not that I know of but I'd love to volunteer for it. After that fiasco with Antonio; your father and I settled into our normal habits again and he asked me to go to the New Year's Eve party with him."

"Don't tell me he took Melanie instead."

"No; he took me…but Melanie sidled up to him while he was talking to someone else and he stayed with her for about an hour…while I sat at the table by myself."

"Oh hell no," Kate said; "You should've punched them both."

"I wanted to," she replied; "It still lingered after that initial hour and Sharon, Maggie and I went into the bathroom to get away for a few minutes. I was highly pissed off; and here comes Melanie, Callie and Jillian."

"How coincidental," her daughter replied.

"My thoughts exactly," Johanna remarked. "And of course once she was in there she had to rub it in my face that my date was spending all of his time with her. She said I couldn't hold on to a man; that I may as well give up because I wasn't his type; that he needed a real woman like her…which is when I made those comments about her fake parts coming from Frankenstein's laboratory."

"How did that go over?"

"We had a little shoving match," Johanna said. "I was ready to fight her but Sharon kept getting in the way and wouldn't let me hit the bitch; that's the time I mentioned when we were at Macy's. Maggie was going to take Callie…it would've been an epic fight but Sharon just had to be in the way of it."

Kate laughed softly. "So much for the term ride or die friend."

"True…any other time she would've been there ready to go; that night, she kept whining she didn't want to go to jail. I would've been glad to go to jail for the night…that was if they could prove it wasn't self defense. I was going to let Melanie have the first hit so I'd get out of any legal trouble."

"You should've done it anyway regardless of Sharon," her daughter remarked. "You could've brought in the New Year with a bang…if need be, you could've always hit Sharon too."

"I didn't think of that," Johanna admitted. "There were other times when I wanted to hit her though."

"Sharon?"

She nodded. "We had our issues at times."

"That's hard to believe; you always seemed so close."

"Being close doesn't mean you go your whole life without issues, Katie. You know how it is between women; we don't get over things as easily as men do."

"I guess you have a point about that," she agreed.

"Of course; but anyway; after Melanie left the bathroom, we stayed in there for a few minutes and when I went back out, your father was still there with her…so I left."

"How long did it take him to realize that you were gone?"

"He caught sight of me heading for the door…he chased me down the sidewalk. Our little group we were in decided to leave the law firm party and go to a club but I was still furious with him and made sure he knew it. He spent the evening chasing away men who wanted to buy me a drink…and that it didn't help his case."

Kate smiled and shook her head. "You two."

Her mother smiled sheepishly. "I know. We ended up getting drunk and he took me home with him…don't look at me like that, nothing happened."

"Are you sure?" Kate said with a short laugh. "Maybe the alcohol just made you forget it happened."

"I'm positive," she answered. "But I wasn't happy to see him."

"You'd think it would be hard to still be mad after you got drunk and went home with him."

"Yeah; you're father had the same mistaken thought…ask him how it went for him."

"I think I can guess that it went badly."

"It did; we had a big fight and didn't speak for days. But that's just one incident with Melanie. Anytime he got mad at me, he'd start paying attention to her because he knew it would piss me off."

"So while Melanie has always been a thorn in your side for her attitude problem; Dad helped shove the thorn in deeper when the mood struck."

Johanna nodded. "You could say that. When we got engaged, she had to go out the next weekend and elope to steal the attention from us."

"Husband number one?" Kate asked.

"Yes; that was Charles Patterson…it was a match made in hell; the office lothario nicknamed 'the octopus' and the slut queen. Whenever they couldn't catch a new victim they'd hook up."

"The octopus?" her daughter laughed.

"Yes; he was named that because it always seemed like he had more than two hands…you'd catch one trying to get funny and the other one was already pinching your ass."

"How many times did he pinch you?"

"Several," Johanna answered; "And one time he got my cup of coffee thrown in his face for his efforts."

"You should've kicked him where he lived."

"Maggie did that to him once…didn't seem to do any good. He took a few days to recover but then he was back to his old tricks."

"How long was Melanie married to him?"

Johanna thought about it for a moment. "I believe it was about 18 months…she got pregnant about a month or two after they got married. Neither one of them wanted the kid; and she just couldn't handle pregnancy…it was robbing her of her figure, she whined every day for nine months. They hired a nanny to take care of it…it was a little boy; and then when they split up, she didn't want the kid and tried to give him full custody but he didn't want it either so her parents ended up raising him."

"That's terrible," Kate said. "How can someone do that? Did she have anything to do with him?"

"I don't know how people do that…I could've never handed you over to your grandparents. She'd go put on a show for holidays and birthdays and when he was old enough, she shipped him off to boarding school in London."

"Oh my God; she sent him to London! What about the octopus? Didn't he care?"

"Hell no; he didn't care. He didn't have anything to do with him."

"Why did they split up?"

"Charles caught her on her desk with Harrison Trumball."

Kate's mouth dropped open. "He caught her? On her desk?!"

"Yes; and to make it worse; it was during business hours…although she claimed she was on a 'lunch break'."

"Oh my God! During business hours!"

"Mhmm…she thought they were being quiet...turns out she wasn't quiet enough."

Kate shook her head. "Are you sure you worked at a law firm and not All My Children?"

"Positive. Anyway; Charles caught her and filed for divorce the next day."

"Who was this Harrison Trumble person?"

"Her millionaire client. He was some big wig with one of the major networks; he was being sued and she was his lawyer…she wasn't about to let a millionaire slip through her hands."

"Was he husband number two?"

"Yes; as soon as the pregnancy test came back positive," Johanna replied. "She had a girl that time; bitched and complained even more than the first pregnancy."

"How long did that marriage last?"

"About two years…until he caught her with his best friend."

"She has no shame, does she?" Kate asked.

"None at all. She didn't want to let go of husband number two's money too easily; she wanted a big payday or she told him she'd drag it out in court. He gave her a big settlement to be done with her but in return he wanted custody of the little girl. She had no problem signing her over; and from what I heard, she ended up in boarding school too when she was old enough."

"Did Melanie marry the guy's best friend?"

"No; but they were engaged for a short time."

"What ended that? He caught her with the chauffer?"

"No; he found her with one of his colleagues who had asked to meet her because he needed some legal work done…it got done in more ways than one from what we all heard."

"What is wrong with this woman?!" Kate exclaimed. "Does she have any morals at all?"

"No; I've been telling you that," Johanna replied. "And while she was married and in between marriages, she was still hitting on any guy she knew at the law firm. She'll chase any man; she doesn't care. Husband number three was Maxwell Turner; he came to the firm to replace one of the retiring senior members and she wanted to get in good with him because she felt it was time she got a promotion."

"I'm sure I can guess what she did to get it," her daughter quipped.

"Oh yeah; but she didn't get a job promotion; she got a whirlwind affair and another last name. She also got another kid she didn't want; another girl. She didn't want anymore accidents so she got her tubes tied after that one."

"Thank God," Kate said.

"Yeah; it was probably a relief to everyone."

"How long did marriage three last?"

"She did better on that one; it lasted four years I believe."

"What broke it up?"

"She and Charles had an old times sake fling and Maxwell found out about it."

"Don't tell me they remarried," Kate laughed.

"No; Charles was currently married at the time of his fling with Melanie…that is he was married until Maxwell called his wife and told her about the affair. She took him to the cleaners," Johanna laughed. "He didn't think he was so much for awhile after that but then he got back to his old tricks. Melanie then hooked up with one of her plastic surgeons…which is why I'm not sure if Jeff is husband four or five; because I'm not really sure if she married that guy or not…I kind of think she did; I remember his name was Jonathan Vance…I know they were engaged but I can't remember if they broke up before the wedding or a month or two after."

"How does she get anything done when she's so busy getting married all the time?" Kate asked. "I'm tired just thinking about it."

Johanna smiled. "It does sound exhausting, doesn't it? Catching your father was tiring enough for me; I damn sure wouldn't want to have to do it again with someone else. But Melanie…well; she's a bimbo. She collects men like I collect shoes…only difference is, I keep the shoes and she keeps recycling the men."

"And she still wants more."

Her mother nodded. "She still wants your father…I'll kill her first."

Kate couldn't help but grin. "What would you do to him?"

Johanna eyed her. "You don't want to know…but rest assured; it would be slow and painful."

"Oh I'm sure it would be," she replied. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you…and I'm sure I'd have to help you get rid of Melanie."

Her mother smiled. "A good daughter would help with that," she quipped. "But getting back to Melanie; I believe her full name, if I remember correctly is Melanie Louise Thompson Patterson Trumble Turner Campbell…unless she married the other guy too, in which case Vance would be in there between Turner and Campbell."

"She could get carpal tunnel writing all that out," Kate laughed.

"I'm surprised she hasn't gotten something else," Johanna said wryly. "But her being a slut isn't why I hate her…well, not entirely. I do hate that your father went out with her…I hate how she's always trying to get her hooks into him. I wouldn't doubt that part of her marrying Jeff was to get closer to him, since she has a history of sleeping with the friends of her husbands. I don't know why she's always been so fixated on him; besides her hatred of me and she always saw it as a way to get digs at me; but apparently even my absence hasn't deterred her from wanting him…and like I said; I'll kill her first. Mostly I've just always hated her for her attitude; the way she looks down on everyone; the way she always treated me; although I always gave it right back to her…so it's her attitude…and that she wants what's mine…and she can't have him."

Kate smiled. "I think it might be the part about Dad that drives the hate more than the attitude."

"You could make that argument," Johanna said; her gaze focused on her task. "He does have a history of using her as a weapon against me…which goes to show that sometimes he's lax in having taste."

"Clearly," her daughter replied; "If it's the way you think it is…has he ever said exactly?"

"No, but he doesn't have to; I know."

"How do you know? I doubt Melanie is a reliable source."

"She isn't…I know from the way he acts about it. He can tell me that nothing happened until he's blue in the face; I'm never going to believe it."

"Does it matter though?" Kate asked. "You're the one he loves; not her."

"That's a hard question to answer," Johanna replied. "It happened before we were together but it still hurt me that it happened because I already had feelings for him…and he had kissed me a few times…so it stung that he'd be out wining and dining her under the guise of working on a case when at that time, when we worked on cases together he was taking me to diners near the office…so in a way; it did matter to me back then. I can't explain why exactly."

"Because even though you were still friends it felt like he was cheating on you," Kate remarked. "I know the feeling."

Johanna eyed her knowingly; figuring that feeling came in relation to Rick. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Her daughter shrugged. "It's better now."

She nodded. "It always gets better…but it lingers, doesn't it?"

"Apparently; you've been holding on to it for what; 40 years?"

Johanna glared at her. "More like 38; don't age me more than necessary."

Kate smiled. "Don't worry; you're aging gracefully; you don't look like a woman who's 61."

Her mother smiled. "I love you for saying that."

"It's the truth; I'm not lying to you; you don't look your age."

"How old do I look?"

"You could pass for 40s; to me you don't really look any different than you did years ago. To me the only difference is the reading glasses."

"They bother you," Johanna laughed. "They bother me too."

"But not as much as Melanie does; right?"

"Right…I wish I could've decked her at Macy's."

"Maybe next time," Kate grinned. "We might need a pick me up…but you better be able to still run fast so we don't get caught."

"I still run," Johanna remarked. "Although by the time I get to do it again I might be out of practice."

"I'll try to take you with me to the precinct gym one day," she told her. "They have treadmills among other things. We could probably slip in early one day and you could run for a little while on the treadmill."

"Sounds good to me; I wouldn't mind it."

Her daughter gave her a grin. "Then we could go down to the shooting range and you could pretend the target was Melanie."

Johanna's eyes brightened. "Could we?"

Kate laughed. "I should've known you'd be all for that."

"It sounds like a good stress reliever; let's do that one day…I probably need the practice, you know; just in case."

"Mhmm," her daughter said with amusement. "Someone just wants to pretend that paper target is her nemesis."

Her mother shrugged. "As long as it's pretend there's no harm done…it's not like I asked you to bring her in and let me take shots at her."

"I have a feeling you wouldn't miss," Kate remarked as she picked up her glass to finish her juice. "We'd probably have to put the two of you in the ring instead so it would be a fair fight."

Johanna shook her head. "I don't need a ring; just put her in front of me and say go; it'll take five seconds."

"Things like that are why Dad says you have a bad temper."

"He wouldn't want it any other way," she quipped. "He likes it. You just remember what you promised; if you ever find Melanie in the house with your father…"

"I am to bash her in the head and get rid of her," Kate finished. "You have my word; I will save him from her clutches and then send him to you for punishment."

"Good girl," Johanna replied. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright; see story time didn't hurt me at all. What's on tomorrow's agenda?"

"I have no idea; what do you want it to be?"

Kate shrugged. "Anything you deem entertaining enough."

"I'll have to give it some thought," her mother replied.

"You do that; part of your job description is entertainment; don't forget that."

Johanna smirked at her. "And which job description would that be?"

"Mother and nurse," her daughter answered. "You have to keep the patient happy."

"You're still not getting coffee."

"Fine," Kate replied; "But I'm making note of your lousy bedside manner in the comments section if asked for my opinion on your service."

Johanna smiled. "You're definitely your father's daughter."

Kate eyed her. "I don't even want to know why that comment came up in relation to the statement."

"It was purely innocent."

"I'm not so sure I believe anything is purely innocent between the two of you," Kate laughed.

"I'm telling him that you said that."

"Go ahead; I'm not afraid of him," the younger woman replied as she gingerly got up from the table. "I'm going to go ahead and get a shower while the Advil is kicking in; it might keep me from hurting so much. You'll have to rewrap my wrist as usual."

"It's not a problem," Johanna assured. "Do you want me to take the bandage off for you?"

"No; I've got it…you just think up your next story hour topic."

"It's at the top of my to do list, right next to fry chicken," her mother replied. "I wouldn't want it said that I fell down on the job around here."

Kate looked over her shoulder and grinned. "Dad and I don't want to have to say that either."

Johanna smiled as her daughter disappeared from view; things weren't perfect…but they were close enough for now.

* * *

The chicken was frying nicely and the potatoes nearly done when Kate answered the knock at the door later that day. She smiled and gave a little shake of her head as she met her father's gaze. "Shame on you," she said quietly; amusement in her eyes.

"What?" Jim asked; instantly on alert. "What did I do?"

"You know what you did," she taunted.

"No, I don't," he said with a shake of his head as he stepped inside the door. "Everything was fine this morning; I wasn't here long enough to do anything."

Kate tsked as she locked the door. "I expect better of you, Dad; you should know not to do those things to her."

"I didn't do anything," he hissed; his brain going into overdrive about how he could've possibly angered his wife. He was pretty sure everything had been fine that morning and the night before…he was innocent…he had to be…wasn't he?

"If that's the story you want to stick to," his daughter said before she sauntered off to the kitchen.

Jim followed behind her, trepidation sliding down his spine as he wished that he had bought flowers on his way over. His wife glanced up at him from her place at the stove as he entered the room and he moved to her side. "I'm sorry," he told her.

Puzzlement flicked across Johanna's face. "For what?"

"For whatever it is that I did…I'm sorry. As soon as you tell me what it was, I'll try not to do it anymore…but as always; I can't promise there won't be a slip up now and then."

"Jim, what the hell are you talking about?" his wife asked. "I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?"

"No; why would you think otherwise?"

He blew out an aggravated breath and glared at their daughter who was trying to smother a smile behind her glass of water. "Your daughter was implying that you were mad at me," he stated.

Johanna smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips. "She's just messing with you, honey. I'm not mad about anything."

Kate chuckled lightly as her father continued to glare at her. "You're just like your mother, Katie," he told her.

She shrugged. "I thought she was still mad about you going out with Melanie…it's not my fault the information was faulty."

"Oh God are we discussing Melanie again?" Jim groaned as he sat down. "That's going to spoil my chicken."

"It was our story hour topic today," Kate told him. "I'm mildly ashamed of you for some of the things I heard."

"Your mother exaggerates and whatever she said, it wasn't like that."

"Sure it wasn't," she said sarcastically.

"Why are we even discussing this?" Jim asked. "Can't we just eat dinner and watch TV like other families?"

"No; that seems unsociable," Kate quipped.

"Johanna," he sighed as he rubbed his fingers across his forehead.

"Dinner is almost ready," she assured him, moving to where he had sat down and rubbing his shoulders as she pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"What about her?" he said flicking a hand in their daughter's direction.

Johanna wrapped her arms around him. "She's bored…and when children are bored they torment their parents; you know that. You've been here five minutes…I've been here all day being tormented."

"I did not torment you!" Kate exclaimed.

"You've tormented us since conception," Jim told her.

"Hey, I didn't ask to be conceived," she replied. "That's your fault."

"It's your mother's fault."

"Either way it's still not my fault; now let's discuss your questionable choices…because I think we should since you know, you always wanted to question mine when I was a teenager," Kate said; a wicked grin on her lips.

Johanna wrapped her arms around her husband more tightly; her head lowering, breathing in his scent as her eyes closed; his voice and Katie's mingling in a mixture of bickering and laughter and she smiled; her lips brushing against her husband's neck as she drank it all in. God it was good to be home again.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: _This chapter fits in the arc that starts at the end of chapter 26-29; where Jim was up in arms about a phone call Johanna received from a colleague in Wyoming which made their relationship very rocky for awhile.__

Chapter 3- Family Traditions

"Do I need to bother asking how things are here?" Kate asked as she locked the door behind her early Friday evening after getting home from work. The tension between her parents seemed to wrap around the apartment like a vice…and that coupled with the tension that had already lingered over their current state of affairs case wise made it nearly unbearable.

"Are you home for the evening, Katie?" Jim asked gruffly.

She sighed. "Yes; I'm done for the night."

"Good; are you still off tomorrow?"

"Yes," Kate answered. "I'm off tomorrow and Sunday I'd only have to go in if I'm called."

"Fine," he said as he got up from the couch and grabbed his briefcase. "If something changes, call me; if not, I'll see you Monday."

"Why bother?" Johanna asked as she stood near the doorway of the kitchen. "You don't want to be here so why bother showing up so you can act like an ass?"

Jim smirked at his wife. "Well, sweetheart; we have to keep you safe for your boyfriend."

The comment ignited Johanna's rage, sending her charging across the room toward him, giving Kate only mere seconds to jump in front of her and halt her progress before she got too close.

"You say that one more time," Johanna seethed as she stabbed a finger in his direction; "And I'm going to throttle you."

Jim scoffed. "Maybe I'll throttle you; God knows I'd like to at the moment."

"Go ahead if you think you can!" his wife exclaimed; her tone sharp and full of sass; her eyes flashing with temper.

"Don't tempt me, Johanna."

"You ought to worry more about tempting me," she retorted.

"That's enough!" Kate yelled as her parents launched into battle about who could throttle who. "The only person allowed to throttle anyone here is me…and I'd like to throttle _both_ of you at the moment; so don't tempt _me_ …because I know how to make it look like you did it to each other."

Jim's jaw tightened. "Then tell your mother to keep her smart mouth shut."

"Tell your father that while he's enjoying his break tomorrow, he should go to Oz and see the Wizard…maybe he can help him find his brain," Johanna replied.

Despite her best efforts, the comment made Kate burst into laughter. Jim glared at her as she tried unsuccessfully to stop laughing. "You're just like her, Katie; up, down and sideways, you are just like her."

"I'm sorry," she said amid giggles. "I just suddenly had this image in mind of you skipping down the yellow brick road with the Tin Man, Dorothy and Toto."

Johanna couldn't stifle the giggles that spilled from her lips and it only made Kate laugh all the more…which only irritated Jim more.

"I wish I could go to Oz," he said. "Maybe I could pick up some woman there…it's a shame Melanie is already taken."

The laughter faded abruptly, Johanna's rage intensifying, sending her forward once more but her daughter caught her around the waist and kept her from the lunge she was about to take. "Is that a confession? Is that who you've been laying with?"

"I didn't say that," he retorted.

"Why the hell not?" his wife asked; "After all, it wouldn't be the first time; now would it? If you wanted that whore you should've married her."

"I married you," he yelled back.

"Yeah; you did…and you better remember it," Johanna said, her tone low and dark; "Because if I ever catch you with her...God help you."

Jim's eyes snapped with anger. "You're the one getting phone calls," he spat; "Not me; no one's calling my phone asking about my wellbeing."

"How do I know that?" Johanna yelled back. "For all I know you could leave here every night and go meet some bimbo."

"You know I don't!"

"Do I?" she asked angrily. "After all, I thought you'd know me better than to believe that I'd have an affair but you keep accusing me of it over a stupid phone call that meant nothing!"

"It didn't sound like nothing to me!"

"That's because you're an ass!" she exclaimed.

"Alright; Ike, Tina, that's enough!" Kate yelled.

"Quit calling me Tina," Johanna retorted.

"I'll stop when you two start behaving yourselves again," their daughter replied. "You go wait in the kitchen; Dad; hallway and then you leave."

"Gladly," he said as he unlocked the door and flung it open.

"Go," Kate said as she eyed her mother and pointed to the kitchen.

Johanna huffed and stormed to the kitchen as Kate stepped outside with her father and pulled the door shut.

"Really, Dad? You thought bringing up the person she hates the most was a good idea? Are you crazy or stupid?"

"Both," Jim snapped.

"It's good to know that you're willing to admit it," his daughter replied. "If you'd have to sleep here in the next day or two, I wouldn't close my eyes around her; she's liable to maim you for that remark…or worse…you do keep in mind that she has a loaded gun in there, don't you?"

"It might've slipped my mind at the moment," he admitted. "Not that I'm afraid of her, because I'm not."

"When you bring up Melanie, you probably should be. Why don't you just stop this?"

"You know why."

Kate rolled her eyes. "You know, Dad; maybe you do need a trip to the wizard; because if you really think that she'd ever betray you like that; that she'd ever give herself to someone else while married to you…and madly in love with you; then you really are crazy and might need to see about the state of your brain. This is getting ridiculous. She told me about the phone call; nothing about it screamed affair. I admit that in her haste to be completely honest with you that she might have made things worse; but she wasn't lying, Dad. She loves you and only you and I think you over reacted…you still are. She might've had no choice but to leave us; but I don't believe for a moment that she broke her vows to you for a single second of the time she was away."

"Well maybe I'm not as sure of that as you are," Jim retorted. "Call if you need me, Katie."

"You know, she'd settle down a little if you'd just talk this out with her…that's all she wants. You sit in there all day and ignore her and you know it just pisses her off all the more and drives her…and then she just pisses you off more. It doesn't end."

Jim gave her a look of exasperation. "That's what marriage is; think long and hard before you get mixed up in it."

She found herself sighing once more and then she pasted a smile on her lips. "Goodnight, Dad; I'm going in and talk to your wife…because she likes to talk, in case you need to know that for future reference…and then she'll probably cry for awhile and fall asleep on my couch watching Mary Tyler Moore at 3am."

He shrugged. "Well you can't say she doesn't have any plans then, can you?"

Kate cut him a sharp look. "Keep in mind that I could always cross over completely to her side and help throttle you."

Jim managed a small, more genuine smile as pulled her into a quick hug. "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, Dad."

She watched her father until he stepped on the elevator and disappeared from view and then she moved back into her apartment, bracing herself for the ranting to come…and the tears to follow. She moved into the kitchen and found that her mother had already poured herself a glass of wine and was in the process of opening the bottle of Advil.

"Hey; what the hell are you doing?" Kate asked as she snatched the bottle from her hand.

"I've got a headache, Katie," Johanna answered as she reached for the bottle but her daughter held it out of her grasp.

"You can't take this with wine! Oh my God; for the second time in five minutes I have to ask the question, are you crazy or stupid!?"

"Both!" Johanna exclaimed.

Kate closed her eyes and counted to ten; at least they both admitted it. "You can't mix this with wine."

"I have before, I'm fine."

"Well you're not doing it here!" she yelled. "That's all we need is for you to be mixing alcohol and medication; that could be a fun trip to the emergency room via ambulance. You'll either take the medicine or you'll have the wine; you don't get both. What's it going to be?"

Johanna snatched her wine glass off the counter and moved to the table and Kate was sure that the muttered answer had included a certain curse word that her mother seemed to reserve for when she was at the height of her anger. It always amused her to no end to hear that word slip from her mother's lips and she found herself grinning. "Am I supposed to pretend that I just heard you mutter 'the ducking wine' or what you really said?" she couldn't help but ask.

"Since there's no such thing as ducking wine; you may as well just acknowledge that you heard the correct response…it's not like you haven't stood around saying it yourself."

Kate grinned. "Yeah; but I make sure I'm not standing too close to you when I do…I remember that one time I got my mouth smacked for it…that word seems to be on your 'do what I say not what I do' list."

"You're of age; I can't tell you what to say anymore than you can tell me," Johanna remarked before taking a sip of her wine.

"Yeah; but I still try to refrain from saying it when you're in the room…I have to be really pissed off to start throwing that one around…I guess kind of like you."

Her mother nodded. "I guess you can mutter it in a sentence about your gene pool."

"Who says I haven't?" Kate asked as she poured her own glass of wine. "What's for dinner?"

"Whatever you call and order," Johanna replied. "I'm not in the mood to cook."

"Really? Because you seem like you could use an outlet for your aggression."

"What I could use is tequila," she retorted. "I need a margarita. Why don't you be a good girl and run out to the liquor store? I'll buy."

Kate smirked. "Oh yes; every daughter always dreams of the day her mother offers to buy the booze."

"I'll also throw in the take out of your choice," Johanna offered. "Dinner and drinks on Mama; what do you say?"

"I say no to the tequila…you are not getting drunk."

"Who said anything about getting drunk?" her mother asked, her hands gesturing in innocence.

"I'm not stupid; you want to drown your sorrows."

Johanna shook her head. "I wasn't going to drown them…just wanted to let them swim a little."

"No tequila."

Her mother rolled her eyes. "And your father thinks you're all me…you get that cold hearted side from his mother."

Kate gave her an amused smirk. "I'll be sure to pass that along to him."

"Please do. If we can't have tequila; how about a little whiskey in the Coke?"

"No!"

"Vodka?" Johanna asked. "I don't like it as much as tequila but beggers can't be choosers."

"No!"

"Scotch? Brandy? Anything but Gin…I hate Gin."

"No to all the above," Kate remarked. "I'll buy wine and I'll buy beer."

Johanna wrinkled her nose. "I don't care much for beer. I used to drink one once in awhile with your father; but I haven't had one in a long time."

"Looks like you better stick to your wine then," her daughter told her. "Drink it slow; you're getting cut off after the second glass."

"That's harsh."

"I learned from the master," Kate quipped. "Now shall we discuss dinner or the latest episode of Jim and Johanna's Fight Club?"

Johanna glared at her over the rim of her wine glass. "There isn't much to say about it; he won't talk to me, he won't listen to me…all he does is sit there and ignore me until I just want to walk up and smack him upside his damn head and see if it'll get the monkey in there to flip the right switch."

She couldn't help but laugh. "There's a monkey living in there, huh?"

"Yes; and clearly he's asleep at the switch."

Kate gave a small laugh. "I don't know which one I like the most; the monkey comment or the when you told him to go see the wizard."

Johanna held her gaze. "He'll need more than a goddamn wizard if I ever catch him with Melanie."

"He only said that to piss you off."

"It worked!"

"I can see that," her daughter replied. "It worked really well…just like he knew it would. You fell right into his trap."

"I know," she snapped. "I'm not stupid. Now what are you ordering for dinner?"

"You seriously want me to order take out? Aren't you afraid I'll resurrect that Styrofoam temple in my fridge that almost gave you a stroke?"

"I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm here there won't be a temple because I'll keep it under control…but if you want to cook dinner yourself; go ahead."

Kate frowned. "How about pizza?"

"Fine with me."

She pulled her phone from her pocket and found the number for her favorite pizza place. "What all do you want?" she asked her mother.

"You know I only like pepperoni on mine; as for anything else; I always like to have breadsticks."

She nodded and touched the screen of her phone to make the call. Once their order was placed, Kate glanced across the table at her mother and her rapidly emptying wine glass. "Is there something we could do that would help you blow off some steam?" she asked.

Johanna glanced at her. "Yeah; you can get me some tequila for a margarita."

"How about something that doesn't involve alcohol?"

Her mother blew out a breath. "Find someone I can hit."

"I was thinking of something that you wouldn't get an assault charge for? Usually you pick cooking but you said you're not in the mood to cook…so what else? Cleaning? I probably have some dust bunnies somewhere that you haven't eliminated yet."

"Think again," Johanna replied. "I'm pretty sure I got the last of them today when I vacuumed under your bed."

"You didn't happen to find my bracelet while you were under there, did you?" Kate asked hopefully.

"The one I gave you when you graduated from high school?"

"Yeah…I was in a hurry one day and didn't realize that I had dropped it until I couldn't find it the next time I looked for it."

"I didn't find it under the bed; but I did find it behind the dresser," Johanna told her. "I put it in your jewelry box. I wasn't going to mention it because I thought maybe you threw it back there in a fit of rage."

Kate shook her head. "No; I guess when I tossed it on the dresser that night it slid across it and fell behind it and I didn't realize it. It's been missing since a few weeks before you came home…thank you for finding it."

"No problem; the ten minutes I spent trying to get a hold of it kept me from thinking about smacking my husband upside the head."

"Glad I could be of service. So cooking and cleaning are apparently used up for the moment for your stress relief…what else can we do?"

Johanna shrugged. "I wish I could go for a run," she said quietly. "I like to run; even if it's at a gym on the treadmill."

"I know," Kate murmured; an idea forming in her mind. The precinct had a fully equipped gym; it wasn't open until nine on the weekend; but with Gates' permission they could slip in early in the morning and get a little exercise…and she had mentioned to her mother before that she'd take her there one day. She was sure that the Captain would understand and approve her request for some time in the gym before it opened to everyone else…she'd done it before; in fact, Kate was sure she still had a copy of the key. "I'll see what I can do about getting us out somewhere for a little bit of exercise…it might make us both feel better."

"That would be nice," Johanna said softly; not really believing that they'd get out for a run but she appreciated the thought just the same.

"I'm going to change clothes before the food gets here," Kate said as she got up from the table and grabbed her phone.

"I'll be here…resisting my second glass of wine until later," her mother remarked.

"Good, you'll do fine without it," she called over her shoulder; hurrying away so that she could call Gates before it got too late.

* * *

At some point in the middle of the night, exhaustion overruled Johanna's troubled mind and she had fallen asleep. Her sleep was filled with dreams of the past, where her life had been easier and less worrisome and she was firmly fixed there in those happy times as Kate crept into the guest room early the next morning. Her daughter moved swiftly and quietly to the bed, surprised that her mother was really asleep; she knew for a fact that sleep was something that she had been doing little of ever since the fight had started. She wondered briefly if she should really wake her, but then she recalled how obvious it was that her mother needed an outlet for her stress and aggression…and the wistful look that had been on her face when she mentioned that she'd like to go for a run.

With that thought in mind, she reached out and gave her mother's shoulder a gentle shake. "Hey," she said softly; surprised that her presence had gone unacknowledged for the span of time she had been in the room.

Johanna didn't respond so she shook her a little harder. "Mother."

In Johanna's dream like state, her daughter's voice sounded much younger; "Mother" sounding more like "Mommy".

"It's still early, Katie," her voice rasped, thick with sleep; her eyes remaining shut and her mind convinced that she was home and her daughter no more than four.

"I know," Kate replied. "Get up."

Johanna sighed but her eyes didn't open. "Get the remote and climb up here; snuggle close and watch cartoons, mommy's still sleepy. Don't go downstairs without me or Daddy."

Kate laughed softly; she well remembered that speech from her childhood when she'd wake up too early on the weekend. She could remember making the trek across the hallway, opening her parents door and slipping inside, running quickly to her mother's side of the bed, finger poised to poke her cheek…but somehow her mother's sleepy eyes would always open just before she made contact. She'd then be told that it was still early, to grab the remote off the nightstand and climb into bed to watch cartoons. A small lump formed in her throat as she remembered grabbing the remote and climbing over her mother to settle in the space beside her while the TV was clicked on and the cartoons found. She would then be snuggled close to her mother's side; her arm wrapped around her making sure she stayed put…and Kate suspected, also to help lull her back to sleep…because more often than not, she was asleep before the first cartoon ended, lulled by her mother's warmth, the sound of her heartbeat…and the soft soothing hand that would rub her arm or back.

Those were good memories; Kate thought to herself. Sometimes they'd wake up just the two of them in that queen sized bed; her father getting up quietly and letting them sleep as he went to fend for himself. Other times they woke up with his arm around them both, holding them close. She exhaled a wistful sigh; good memories…of being warm, safe and loved. It was no wonder her mother drifted back to those times in her sleep…and she hated to pull her from them, but they needed to get a move on. She decided to indulge her inner child though and reached out and poked Johanna's cheek. "Hey," she said loudly.

This time Johanna flinched and her eyes snapped open; taking note that day was just starting to break outside the window. "What's wrong?" she asked sleepily.

"Nothing; but we have things to do this morning; let's get a move on."

Johanna glanced at the clock. "It's 5:20 in the morning, Katie; go watch cartoons," she said as she snuggled back into her pillow.

Her daughter smirked at her. "I don't think they show early morning cartoons anymore."

"There's probably some online that you can watch," Johanna mumbled. "If you need to pay for it, get my credit card out of my wallet."

"No thanks; I'm a little big for cartoons…although you did give me the 'crawl in bed and watch cartoons, mommy's still sleepy' speech before I managed to wake you up for real."

"Well if there was a TV in here, I'd tell you that you could crawl in anyway if it meant I could go back to sleep. I was having nice dreams…why don't you wake me up when I'm having bad ones?"

"Sorry," Kate replied; "I'll try to improve my timing; but come on, get up; we have plans."

Johanna scoffed softly, making no move to get up. "Right; we've got the champagne breakfast up on Fifth Avenue this morning; I almost forgot. I do hope my Chanel dress came back from the cleaners in time and that my Louboutin's aren't scuffed. Are you wearing the Cartier diamonds this time or am I?"

Her daughter smiled. "Oh, Mother; your morning sarcasm is always as refreshing as a cold glass of orange juice and a bowl of Fruit Loops."

"I like Fruit Loops," her mother replied.

"Great; because I made breakfast and that's what we're having. Now come on."

"Katie," she half whined. "What is this about?"

"You said you wanted to get some exercise so we're going to the gym."

"What gym?" she asked.

"The precinct gym; you can run on the treadmill there all you want…you said you wanted to run. I can't take you out to the park for a run; I would if I could but I'd rather us not be that exposed; so this is the best I can do."

Johanna offered her a soft, tired smile. "That's a sweet thought, sweetheart; but I didn't bring my workout clothes with me…I didn't even think about it."

Kate shrugged. "No big deal; I have plenty; you can borrow something from me…I probably owe you an outfit anyway for all the things I stole from your closet during my teenage years."

"That's probably true," her mother replied. "I did lose a lot of things that somehow always turned up on your body."

"Well then you have every right to raid my wardrobe for workout clothes; I totally owe you…especially considering the white suede boots incident."

Johanna's brow rose as she sat up and threw the covers back. "I thought you said you didn't know anything about that."

"Yeah…I kind of lied."

"Kind of?"

Kate nodded. "I did lie…I had concert tickets that weekend and I didn't want to be grounded…because you told me I couldn't wear those boots…and I did anyway…"

"And spilled nail polish on them!" her mother exclaimed; "And you convinced me that the girl that did my nails must've dripped the polish on them."

"Yeah…really it was Maddy…she knocked over the bottle while we were painting our nails in study hall…"

"What the hell were you doing painting your nails in study hall! I doubt you were supposed to be doing that."

"We weren't supposed to be doing that; that's why I got detention," Kate replied.

"What detention? I don't remember any detention for nail painting."

"That's because I didn't tell you I had detention…I just asked if I could go home with Maddy after school that day and you said yes…so after detention we went to Maddy's and then her mother drove me home when she got home from work."

Johanna eyed her sternly. "What about the detention slip? Wasn't I supposed to sign it? I clearly remember signing one or two."

Kate smiled. "I forged it….I had to practice signing your name all night but I finally got it."

"Well that's just lovely," Johanna declared. "Thank you for waking me up at 5:30 in the morning to give me a wake up call about how I failed as a parent. Wouldn't it have saved you a lot of trouble back then if you had just told me the truth?"

"Yeah, but then I would've missed the concert because I would've been grounded for the detention."

Johanna closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "The sun isn't even up all the way yet and I already need a glass of wine."

Her daughter smiled. "No wine; but we've got very nice Fruit Loops in the kitchen and some fresh orange juice made from the best Florida oranges…at least that's what the label says."

"Mhmm. I think you should let me go back to sleep; in my dreams you were little and sweet…and not destroying my boots that I paid $150 for at Bloomingdales."

"That's right; those were expensive weren't they?" Kate said; "I remember you buying those…and then making frantic dashes to the mailbox to get the credit card bill so Dad wouldn't know what they cost…because you told him they were $50…because he had been on your case about your shoe fetish and that pair of heels you paid $80 for…so you knew he'd blow his stack if he saw the price of those boots…"

Johanna's brow rose. "What's your point, Katherine?"

She shrugged. "Nothing…just thinking that I must get that slick lying thing from my mother."

Her mother eyed her. "Are you lending me clothes or not?"

Kate laughed. "Well, look who's eager to change the subject all of a sudden."

"Yet another thing we have in common," Johanna quipped as she made her way out of the room. "You can leave me some clothing options on the bed."

She smiled; watching her mother move across the hallway to the bathroom. It was moments like this that made everything feel normal; and she wanted to cling to that feeling…but she knew as soon as they stepped outside the door they'd be looking over their shoulders and that feeling would be gone. She shook that thought away; they had to be cautious but she didn't need to bog them down with the feeling of impending doom…there was enough stress to deal with at the moment and her intent for that morning was to ease some of it.

* * *

A short while later after they had each eaten a half bowl of cereal and downed a glass of orange juice, Kate rooted through her closet to find another pair of running shoes. Her mother sat quietly on the foot of her bed, dressed in borrowed black running pants and sky blue tank top; her dark hair in a ponytail and only a swipe of lip gloss on her lips. Her attention was upon her phone…most likely waiting for a text that wouldn't come. She felt sorry for her; she wished there was something more that she could do but her father was unmovable at the moment, and she was once again left to pick up the pieces.

Kate sighed as she hunted for the shoes; pushing away the thoughts about her mother's heart that was breaking slowly and shifting back to the task at hand; running shoes. Her mother hadn't packed exercise clothes and she hadn't packed sneakers. It seemed unlike her, she mused; usually her mother always packed an outfit and matching shoes for every possible occasion when she was going on a trip. Johanna Beckett had landed in New York in May with plenty of luggage…she knew for a fact that the woman had brought plenty of jeans, leggings, capris and skirts. She had t-shirts, blouses and an array of other tops. She had brought a suitcase full of lingerie, night gowns and pajamas. She had only brought three pairs of shoes…two pairs of heels and a pair of sandals…and the sight of only three pairs of shoes in the guest room her mother called home had been a strange sight, Kate couldn't help but recall. She was used to the knowledge that her mother's shoe collection had easily taken up shoe racks in two closets…and that wasn't counting the shoes that could be found kicked off in a corner, in the hallway closet, the downstairs closet or lying by the back door in the kitchen. Her father had called her Manhattan's answer to Imelda Marcos. Her mother hadn't been thrilled with the comparison. She had bought shoes when they had gone out on their shopping trip during her parents first bout of discord, but still, she was severely lacking in that department based on her normal standards.

Johanna Beckett had also come home lacking in accessories; which was another oddity considering the full jewelry box still sitting on her parents dresser at home and the jewelry that her father kept locked in the safe. As Kate reached into the very back of her closet where she spied a shoe box; she thought of the small wooden jewelry box that her mother had sitting on the guest room dresser. She had a watch, a simple gold chain that she was currently wearing her wedding ring on, a silver cross necklace, a dainty silver bracelet, a pair of small silver hoop earrings and a pair of gold hoops; and a white gold ring with a small turquoise set that her mother had pulled off her finger soon after moving in. She wondered why but she didn't ask…just as she didn't ask what had happened to the white floral dress her mother had been wearing the day of their so called reunion at the precinct. It wasn't hanging in the guest room closet. As she finally grabbed hold of the black and blue trimmed running shoes and climbed out of the back corner of her closet, she thought about asking; but then she saw her mother frowning as she stared at the screen of her phone and thought better of it.

"Dad still hasn't sent you his morning text?" Kate asked gently as she sat the shoes down by her mother's feet.

"I sent him one," she replied, her chin quivering a little. "I told him we were going out for awhile."

"He didn't reply?"

"No; but he read the message…I downloaded one of those things that tells you when your message has been read."

Kate gave a nod. "Well at least you know he's reading the messages."

Johanna tossed her phone on the bed in aggravation and leaned down to put her shoes on. "If it hadn't been for work and having to keep in touch with that agent, I wouldn't even bother to have a damn phone," she muttered. "What's the point in it anyway? No one calls."

"I call you," her daughter replied.

"Only because you have to; if you didn't have to, you wouldn't…I know that for a fact. I spent plenty of time talking to your voicemail."

That didn't seem like a road she wanted to walk down, Kate thought to herself. "Dad calls…when he's not mad."

Johanna scoffed as she finished tying her shoes.

"Apparently Jack calls," she said without thought.

Her mother's head snapped up; angry tears glistening in her eyes. "He does not call me all the time! That call your father heard was the first time I have spoken to him since I left Wyoming. I didn't have long phone conversations with him; on the rare occasion he'd call me it was about work and those calls never lasted more than two minutes; and you can check my phone records to prove it…in fact why don't you do that; I want you to. Check my phone records; print them out and take them to your father because the only calls that last more than two minutes you'll find are the ones that have Carolyn's number on them and that should be easy enough to verify. All the rest are work related and there aren't many; a few others would be to my agent. I'm not having an affair," she cried.

Kate could've slapped herself. "I know…I didn't mean to bring up Jack from Wyoming…and I don't need to check your phone records."

"I want you to," Johanna told her; hot tears sliding down her cheeks. "That's another reason why I shouldn't have a phone; it just gets me into trouble when I didn't even do anything."

"Yeah…but you can use it for other things…YouTube is fun," her daughter replied. "Maybe you should watch YouTube."

"I do," Johanna admitted as she swiped at her tears. "I like watching cat videos."

Kate smiled a little. "For some reason I'm not surprised…do you have a cat in Wyoming that's missing you? Maybe we could have your friend send it to us…the friend that's a woman that is; we don't need to add fuel to Dad's fire."

Her mother shook her head. "Just a neighborhood stray…a little grey and white tabby; she comes up on the back porch and sits with me when I'm out there."

"Do you feed her?"

"Yes; but everyone seems to feed her…she's a sweet cat…I wouldn't have minded keeping her; I did coax her inside when it was really cold out…but she likes to roam. She went right back out once it warmed up."

"She probably likes you best though out of everyone in the neighborhood…I'm sure you probably spoil her or she wouldn't have came in with you to get out of the cold."

"She likes my porch a lot," Johanna said, wiping away the tears that kept spilling down her cheeks.

Kate smiled and gave a soft shake of her head. "She likes you…you probably named her."

"Sunny," Johanna murmured. "She likes to lay in the sunshine."

"Maybe when this is all over and you go home, Dad will let you get a kitten."

"Yeah," she scoffed. "I'll be lucky if I even have a home to go to."

"Come on, don't think like that; it'll be fine," Kate told her. "It's too early for you to be an emotional mess. Dad is…well, he's my father and I love him with all my heart but he's a man…and as my mother always told me, men have a tendency to be stupid...and he's embracing his stupid side."

"His stupid jackass side," Johanna remarked.

"Right; his stupid jackass side…and eventually the illness will run its course and he will come and work this out with you."

"What if he doesn't?"

Kate sighed. "Then you'll stay here with me and we'll disown him. Now is there anything else you need? We need to get going."

"Can I borrow a jacket? My arms get chilly in the morning," Johanna replied.

"Sure; no problem," her daughter replied as she returned to her closet and pulled out a thin nylon black jacket that matched the pants her mother was wearing.

"We look like we're trying to be one of those mother daughter duos that dress alike," Johanna remarked as she pulled on the jacket.

"It's not our fault," Kate said; "All exercise clothes look the same; but at least we have on different colored tank tops; yours is blue, mine is green. My shoes are white; you're wearing the black ones. We're fine; no Bobsey twins thing going on here."

"Good to know."

"Grab your phone," her daughter instructed. "You'll feel better once we're out…and maybe after we're done working out I'll have another surprise for you."

"Macy's?" Johanna asked; a touch of hope in her voice.

"No; but I think you'll like it just as much. Did you remember to put the gun in your purse?"

"Yes, it's in there," her mother answered as she shoved her phone into her bag.

"We have the water bottles?"

"Yes; I put mine in my purse and yours in your purse."

"Then we're all set," Kate remarked as she picked up her handbag. "Time to go find some stress relief."

* * *

"Are you sure it's alright for us to be here?" Johanna asked as she and Kate stepped into the unoccupied gym. "I don't want you to get in trouble."

"It's fine," Kate said as she flipped on the lights. "I cleared it with Captain Gates. The gym doesn't officially open on the weekends until nine without clearance so we've got plenty of time and the place to ourselves."

"I didn't really expect it to be this quiet here, despite the fact that it's early," Johanna remarked; the clock on the wall reading 6:30 as Kate locked the door from the inside.

"Believe me, it's not quiet on the lower floors; it's noisy down there 24/7; on my floor, unless something major is happening, it's quiet until normal working hours."

Her mother gave a nod of understanding, not bothering to ask why Kate would lock them inside the gym…surely they were safe in the precinct…but then again, they probably shouldn't take any chances with that. She knew all too well that dirty cops were behind the case that had sent her into exile; but that wasn't something that Johanna wanted to think about. She didn't want to think about her daughter sharing air space with other corrupt, dirty cops who didn't have the same morals as her child and other officers who were dedicated to protecting and defending.

"Where do you want to start?" Kate asked.

"The treadmill is fine with me," she answered as she looked around the spacious gym. "You know on TV they make it look like the police only have punching bags and sparring areas."

"We have those in the room next door; but this room is set up like any typical gym. You're right though; TV doesn't acknowledge that. The treadmills are over here," her daughter stated as she led the way.

Johanna followed her without a word; feeling a little strange about being there…stepping into this sector of her daughter's world in a small way. A precinct was one of the last places she had ever envisioned her child. She was trying to get used to being the parent of a cop…but it wasn't easy. Even in Wyoming it had been difficult to reconcile the fact in her mind. She was afraid every time Kate walked out the door to work; there was too much danger out there in the world for a cop to face…probably more so for a female cop; and truth be told; in a little corner of her soul that she kept suffocated, it terrified the hell out of her. There were still days when the flash of that badge and the sight of a gun strapped to her daughter's hip made her stomach queasy and her throat tight as she forced back the pleas asking her to give up that line of work to find something safe and boring. This wasn't the life she had wanted for Katie…it wasn't the life she had wanted for any of them…and it was all her fault.

"Hey," Kate said; bumping her arm. "Are you okay?"

Her mother forced a small smile to her lips. "Yeah; I'm fine."

She wasn't, Kate thought to herself but she figured her mother wasn't going to be fine as long as there was discord in her marriage…and a target on their backs. She brushed off that thought, deciding to allow her mother's answer to stand and continue on an easier path of conversation for now. "How often do you still run?"

"Once or twice a week…sometimes more. I only run on the treadmill now; I don't run outside anymore."

"Why not?"

The answer was simple but Johanna found herself pressing her lips together to hold back the words. She had stopped running outside because she hadn't had her partner to go with her. Without Kate, running outside had lost its allure. It wasn't a surprise that she hadn't been able to go on solo outdoor runs in Wyoming; her inability to run outside without her daughter had started when Kate went to Stanford. The first time she had tried to run without her, she had felt lost…and miserable; the experience empty without their friendly competitiveness, their chatter during breaks to walk, and just the joy of being together. A few weeks after her daughter had gone away to college; she had taken a gym membership with Sharon and took to running on the treadmill. When Kate came home for her school breaks, they'd fall into their old habits of running outside. But in Wyoming there were no visits from Kate…and she just couldn't bring herself to do it without her…and so once again she had found herself getting a gym membership and she hit the treadmill again…at times with a vengeance when her self loathing and despair were at their highest heights and relief couldn't be found in the bottle of wine. Carolyn would join her at least one day a week, which was nice and she had been glad for the company…but it wasn't the same.

"Mother," Kate prodded; "Why don't you run outside anymore? You always liked running outside the best."

"I just don't," she replied as she fished her phone out of her purse.

"But why? You must have a reason."

A flicker of something Kate couldn't identify flashed in her mother's eyes as her jaw tensed. "I just don't."

Something had happened, Kate thought to herself; something had stopped her mother from doing something she had always enjoyed and she found her suspicions rising; wondering if there was something else she was hiding. "Did you get an injury?"

"No."

Her suspicions rose even more as she watched her mother pull her bottle of water from her purse. "Did someone come after you?" Kate found herself asking quietly; a hint of an edge in her tone. "Is that why you came to New York…someone found you?"

Johanna turned toward her, her eyes flashing with fire. "I came to New York for you," she said sternly. "I've told you that before."

"I know…and I believe that…but was there something more?" she asked; the detective side of her brain taking over. "Was someone on to you?"

"Not to my knowledge," Johanna replied; her tone sharper than she meant it to be. "I can't swear to you that no one knew…because I don't know. For all I know someone could've known; as deep and filthy as this case seems to be, I wouldn't doubt it a bit…and maybe as long as I was forced into exile I was deemed no longer a viable threat and they just kept tabs to make sure it stayed that way…but I don't know any of that for sure. For all I know the F.B.I. was successful at hiding me but who can say for sure? Because those bastards sure as hell doesn't tell anyone much of anything."

Kate rocked on her heels for a moment; her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. "Should you really call the people who saved your life bastards?"

Her mother shrugged,shedding her jacket as she stepped onto the treadmill. "If you met the jackass I've dealt with all these years you'd probably understand the sentiment. I'm grateful they spared me so that I could come back to you and your father…although they clearly never intended for me to get here. I just wish they had tried a little harder…that they had done something more…because they had to know who it was…they have to," she said angrily.

"That's highly possible," Kate remarked somewhat quietly. In all the chaos of emotions that had heralded her mother's return, she hadn't stopped for a moment to ponder that same scenario. After all, how could they not know? Perhaps they didn't have enough evidence against the person, but they had to know…not that it did her or her mother any good; but she couldn't shake the feeling that her mother was right.

"I'm sorry, Katie," Johanna muttered as she put her water bottle in the cup holder on the treadmill. "I didn't mean to get into all that. I have enough aggravation just thinking about your father believing that I'm some kind of unfaithful slut; I don't need to be bringing the rest of that mess into it."

Her daughter shook her head. "It's alright…you have a point; they probably do know; but we don't need to go into that. It's too early and not what I had in mind for our morning. Is this treadmill what you're used to or do I need to show you how to use it?"

"Actually it's just like what I'm used to using," her mother replied.

"Okay…when was the last time you ran?"

"The night before I got on the plane."

Kate's brow rose. "You went to the gym the night before?"

"I didn't have anything else to do; I packed a week before the semester ended. It wasn't like I was going to be able to sleep."

"So you just went and ran that whole evening?"

"About half way through the evening I switched to a bike just so I could sit down for awhile."

Her daughter nodded. "That explains why you still have the legs of a 25 year old."

A genuine smile touched her mother's lips. "Do they really look that good?"

"Yes; you don't ever have to worry about anyone denying that have nice legs."

"Good…because there was a part of me that wanted to look good for your father."

Kate gave her an amused smirk. "Have you ever not looked good to him?"

"You'd have to ask him about that."

"I'm sure the answer would be no; you don't have to worry."

"Sometimes it's easier to worry about superficial things," Johanna remarked as she handed Kate her purse and jacket. "Put that somewhere; I don't need that weighing me down."

"I'll put our stuff over here against the wall," Kate replied as she moved a few steps away.

"Do you mind if I play music on my phone?" her mother asked; "I hate to run without it."

"No, I don't mind; go ahead. But listen; since you haven't ran in about two months, start off slow, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Johanna said as she tapped the button to start the treadmill.

"I'm serious," her daughter remarked; "I don't want you overdoing it."

Her mother shot her a look. "I'm not some feeble old woman, Katie."

"I didn't say you were an old woman…but you are sixt…"

"Shut up," Johanna said sharply. "I know how old I am and I know what I can handle. I'm not old! I do everything I've always done so don't start treating me like I'm ready for the damn nursing home."

Kate raised her hands in surrender. "That thought was never in my mind. You're not old and I would never imply that you are…so take it down a notch hurricane Johanna or we're going to have to go next door and get in the ring."

"You know where to find me," her mother replied as she skipped over the first two levels of speed and hit the third.

"I'm so glad you're listening to me," Kate said with a touch of sarcasm; noting that her mother's mood seemed to be on a roller coaster that morning.

"For God's sake, Katie; the first two speeds barely move; I walk faster from room to room. I know what I'm doing…I'm the mother; you're the daughter."

"Yes, I know…I've got the DNA results to prove it."

"Let's not talk about that," Johanna remarked.

"Why? I asked for DNA, you gave it…there wasn't any conflict about it; you didn't have to be asked twice."

"I wasn't going to deny you anything that proved to you who I was, Katie; even if I did wish that my words and face had been enough. I understood the need for more concrete evidence."

"So, there's no problem."

"No; but maybe I'm just sensitive that my life came to a point where I had to take a DNA test to prove I'm your mother; and don't take that the wrong way; I don't blame you for asking, just like I don't blame your father for coming to my hotel room that night and grilling me on questions only I'd know the answers to. I would've given both of you all the personal trivia answers, blood and DNA samples that I could give. It's just painful…everything is painful right now; and I can't help that."

Kate nodded. "You're right; let's not talk about it."

"Your father thinks that's a bad habit that we have."

"Yeah, well, he's got his own bad habits so he should look at himself before he goes pointing fingers at us."

"When I told him about our peace treaty deal; he told me I handed you a golden ticket and that you'd never talk to me about anything."

Kate shifted awkwardly. "Apparently he was wrong…because we talk about things…maybe not all the things, but some things…more than we were."

Johanna nodded in agreement. "I respect the boundaries you set…I try not to cross them."

"I know," she murmured; "I don't think I've made any complaints…have I?"

"No; not since our deal…but in all fairness I usually know when to shut up by the look on your face."

"That's good to know; it probably explains why some of your sentences stop abruptly and you change the subject…I was worried that maybe you had suffered some sort of head injury along the way."

Johanna narrowed her eyes at her. "Maybe we should go in the next room so I can inflict some maternal justice on your smart ass."

Her daughter laughed. "Do you really think you can do it?"

"No doubt in my mind, baby girl. I can knock you into the middle of next week if I want to."

"Oh, what's that; your Brooklyn showing?" Kate teased. "You get a little lilt once in awhile…which is odd since you were raised in the city."

"I did spend a good amount of time in Brooklyn during my childhood…your grandmother wasn't void of that lilt at times either, you know?"

"I don't know; she seemed to hold it back pretty well, it was rare to hear it slip from her…sometimes there was a little Italian inflection in her tone; but let's not get off topic. You did always make a point to say you were born in Brooklyn…like it made you more badass or something."

Johanna met her eye. "I was born in Brooklyn and I am badass."

"Oh yeah;" Kate teased. "You're so badass with your Coach handbag and Michael Kors heels."

"Excuse me," her mother retorted; "I believe I saw some Michael Kors heels in your closet so you better jump back and question your own badass image."

Her daughter had a mischievous gleam in her eyes as she shrugged. "I can be excused for that because I wasn't born in Brooklyn so therefore my badass isn't as potent as yours. Being born in Manhattan probably diluted things…if you really loved me, you would've had me in Brooklyn so I could stand a chance of living up to your level of badass."

Johanna pointed a finger at her. "If I get down off this machine, you're going to find yourself in Brooklyn because I'm going to kick you there."

Kate laughed. "I'm all a tremble."

Johanna held her gaze as she stabbed the stop button on the treadmill and moved to step down as her daughter hurried a short distance away to the stair climber and stepped onto the apparatus. "You better run," Johanna told her as she restarted the treadmill.

Her daughter grinned. "I only ran so you wouldn't hurt yourself…we did have that discussion about your age."

"If you think for one minute that just because you're over thirty that I won't beat your ass, you're mistaken," Johanna proclaimed. "I will put you over my knee and give you the smack that I've probably owed you for twenty years."

Kate giggled. "I don't doubt that you'd try but I'm not sure you'd be successful…but now that we've got your blood moving; enjoy your run. Are you alright with me being over here?"

"I'm fine," Johanna replied as she picked up her phone to pull up her playlist. Once she had tapped the play button, she bumped up the treadmill speed another level.

"Don't go too fast too soon," Kate warned again.

"Yes, Mother," Johanna replied sarcastically as she pushed her volume button several times.

Kate allowed silence to fall between them for a few moments as she decided how to gently move into the deeper waters of conversation. "Did you sleep any better last night?" she asked, her tone carrying a note of quietness despite them being the only ones in the room. "I was surprised that I didn't find you on the couch watching Lucy this morning like I did yesterday."

"No, I wouldn't say I slept all that much better," Johanna answered; "But it's nothing new; I haven't slept well in a long time."

"Sometimes you seem to sleep good. I don't hear you up when Dad is there."

Johanna breathed deeply, her heart aching. "I always sleep better when he's with me…but who knows if I'll ever have that luxury again."

"Dad will come to his senses sooner or later."

"I wish I could be as sure of that as you are, Katie…but I'm not. I don't even know why he comes and stays with me while you're at work because he doesn't say a word the whole time you're gone unless I keep at him until he gets pissed off…then he's got plenty of things to say…none of them good of course, but it's better than nothing."

"Maybe you should just ignore him when he's ignoring you…that would probably annoy him more."

"I've tried that; he doesn't care. He really thinks I'm a cheater; and I'm not. I swear on your grandmother's grave I'm not. I never, ever cheated on my husband."

"I know," she said softly. "I believe you."

Johanna's gaze darted toward her; the anguish detectable despite the small amount of distance between them. "Why? Why do you believe me, Katie? Not to cause trouble between us, but there was a part of me that thought you'd jump right in on his side and condemn me without a fair trial."

Kate's gaze shifted away…it had surprised her too in some small way; but when she had looked at her mother in the aftermath of the fight her parents had, she had seen only honesty in her face. She saw no hint of guilt, nothing to make her suspicious. She had answered the questions asked of her honestly and without hesitation; she didn't have anything to hide. "I believe you because I know you…I know you weren't lying. Every question I asked you answered without hesitation and with honesty. Most of all, I know you didn't do it because I know how much you love Dad. I see that on your face every day…and I know you would've never left him unless you absolutely had to. I know you'd never run out on him. I know that you'd never use being away as an excuse to be with someone else; you love him too much to do that. You don't have what it takes to do that…there's no doubt in my mind."

"I wish your father believed that," Johanna murmured. "I know that he has every reason not to trust me…but I wish he had a little more faith in my morals…and my heart. He knows me better than that. He knows…or at least he did at one time."

"He still does," Kate replied; "It's just that right now he's too busy Googling facts about Wyoming and trying to find this Jack person so he can have a word with him."

"What?!" Johanna exclaimed. "He's Googling things?"

She chuckled softly. "Yes; the day of your fight when I went over there; he had been Googling Jack in Wyoming…which wasn't getting him the results he wanted and he was reading facts about the state. He learned that Wyoming is the least populated…he said that meant that there was a shortage of women and all the men out there thought they could have his."

She scoffed. "They never stood a chance at getting anywhere near me in that way."

"We know that…but you know Dad."

"Yeah; I know him alright…I just wish he remembered that he knows me."

"Oh I think he does remember that he knows you…that's why he made the Melanie comment."

"I wanted to punch him right in the mouth for that one," Johanna declared as she bumped the treadmill up another level.

"I know; I had to grab you…apparently you weren't lying when you told me that he always liked to use Melanie to get a dig at you when jealousy became involved."

"I haven't lied about anything I've told you."

"I know, Mother."

Johanna was quiet for a moment. "He's really Googling Jack?"

Kate nodded. "Yes; but he isn't having much success since he doesn't know his last name. He wanted me to search your phone while you were in the shower and find it for him…and before you ask; no, I didn't do that and I told him I wouldn't. He told me to ask you, that he was sure you'd tell me; but I'm not doing that either…because the last thing he needs is to really find this guy…hell would really break loose then."

"His last name is Dalton," Johanna stated. "He's one of the department heads at the college; his office is across from mine. That's the only reason I know him. He's never been inside the house I live in and I have never been to his home; I couldn't even tell you his address. He knows where I live because he drove me home from work once when my car wouldn't start and he drove me to the airport."

"Why didn't your other friend drive you to the airport?"

"She was supposed to," she replied; "But a family issue came up and she couldn't; Jack heard her telling me the day before I was to leave and he offered to drive me. I accepted because I didn't want to take my car and I don't like relying on cabs when I need to be somewhere important…and being on time for that plane was the only thing in the world that mattered. It was harmless and innocent. He means nothing to me."

"Okay," Kate replied.

Johanna paused her music and stopped the treadmill; stepping down from it with her phone in her hand.

"What are you doing?" her daughter asked.

"I want you to search my phone," Johanna told her as she crossed the room and held it out to her. "I want you to look through everything on there; not that there's much; but I want you to go through it and see that there aren't any secrets; no pictures of him, no texts, nothing in the call log to imply that I've been a liar."

Kate shook her head as she paused her own exercise. "I don't need to do that; I haven't called you a lair about this."

"I know," Johanna said as she held her gaze; "But I want you to anyway…I want you to do what your father asked. Search it…please."

"Mother," she sighed.

"Please, Katie…you don't have to tell him that you did it if you don't want to…but please just go through it…please."

She didn't like the idea of doing this; this was her mother, not a suspect in one of her cases. She didn't feel like she had a right; she didn't doubt her word about anything regarding this Jack person. But she sensed that it was important to her mother to prove her innocence.

"Just so you know; I don't like doing this," she said as she reluctantly accepted the phone.

"I know…but I need you to do it."

"Why? I'm not going to tell Dad," she said as she touched the screen.

"Because I want you to know that your trust hasn't been misplaced…that you haven't been wrong to believe me."

Kate gave a slight nod and began to go through her mother's phone. She went to the call log first; scrolling through the calls to and from herself, her father and Castle when she'd ask him to check in for her. Jack's ill timed call was there; but she didn't find any other recent entries for his number in the time that she had been home. She found his number listed on a call from March and she tapped it, bringing up the details and saw that the call had only lasted for a minute and thirty eight seconds. Another call had been received in January, lasting only a minute and ten seconds. Scrolling back through she saw a few more, all well under two minutes; and looking at the months and knowing what her mother did for a living; she felt safe in assuming that the calls were about faculty meetings at the start of new semesters and before breaks. Jack's number only appeared when he called her…there were no records of her calling him. The number that was listed as Carolyn's had many more calls, all of varying lengths, lasting much longer than any call from Jack.

Kate closed the call log and opened up the text messages. As expected she found a thread of messages to her father; messages to her; a thread of messages to Carolyn, which she opened just to be thorough, the last text from Carolyn had been received at 10pm on the evening that Johanna had arrived in New York.

" _Hey, Meg; I was just checking in to see if you had gotten to New York safely. I'm so sorry that I couldn't drive you today like planned; my sister's so called emergency wasn't as urgent as she claimed; as usual. I should've known."_

Her mother's reply was the last message in the thread. _"No need to be sorry; I understand that things come up at times. I arrived safely and I checked into my hotel a little while ago. I'll be in touch soon."_

There were no texts bearing Jack's name; the only other messages were a few automated reminders from the college about submitting grades and closing offices. Kate closed the messages and looked through the rest of the phone; saving the pictures that Johanna had taken for last. She glanced at the pictures her mother had taken of her…most of them without her knowledge. There were pictures of her father…a few of the two of them together; some sort of selfie session that they must've indulged in while she was at work. Photos of a cat came next…most likely the neighborhood stray her mother had been feeding.

"Your cat?" she asked, turning the phone so that her mother could see the image of the grey and white tabby curled up on the porch.

"It's the neighborhood cat," Johanna answered; "But yes, that's Sunny."

"It's your cat, she just doesn't live with you full time," Kate commented. "You've got ten pictures of her on here."

"She's cute."

She smiled. "She is a cute little furball," she remarked, quickly looking through the pictures of the cat and coming upon the last picture in the gallery, a photo of two horses. "Did you adopt some stray horses too?"

"No; those are Carolyn's…she lives on a ranch. I visited sometimes."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Kate replied as she closed the photo gallery and handed back the phone. "I think I've looked at everything that can be looked at; do you feel better now?"

"Yes; thank you."

"No problem…and we're not going to tell Dad."

"It won't be hard to keep it secret seeing as how he isn't speaking to me," Johanna replied as she returned to the treadmill.

Kate restarted her exercise as well. "He won't be able to keep that up for long; he's crazy about you…you know that."

Johanna offered her a small smile as she casually bumped the treadmill up another notch. She hoped he was still crazy about her…instead of just being plain crazy with the idea that she could ever give herself to someone else.

* * *

Silence had reigned between them for a good while; the only noise in the gym coming from the equipment and Johanna's phone as it blared her workout playlist as she continued to run on the treadmill. Kate kept a subtle eye on her, watching to be sure that she didn't push herself too hard or over do it. Her mother had bumped the speed up to full out running a little quicker than she would've liked her to but she didn't seem to be having any difficulty keeping up with the pace; her breathing pattern seemed fine and wasn't causing any concern either. Apparently her mother had been right; she knew what she could handle…and if she ran on a treadmill as much as she claimed; and clearly she did; then Kate could easily understand how she had stayed in such great shape. Johanna Beckett was healthy, active, vital; aging slowly and gracefully and railing against the number that signified her age; which in all fairness was still classified as middle age, Kate thought to herself. Her body was healthy; her age of no consequence at this stage of her life…and yet she was full of anguish, guilt, remorse. The weight of the world laid on those slender shoulders; Kate knew that for a fact.

She wondered if that was why her mother had wanted to go for a run; maybe she felt like she was running away from everything that was dogging her heels. She was in the zone; there was no denying that, Kate thought to herself. Her mother's eyes were closed, a look of concentration on her face as her feet pounded a rhythm on the treadmill as Madonna poured from the speaker of her phone.

Kate smiled; some things never changed. Her mother's workout music preference had always been Madonna. Usually she stuck to the early stuff but today her mother was absorbed in the beats of newer material; the song currently playing, she assumed from the lyrics, was called Heartbeat. It was an upbeat number, she could see why it was favored for running…but she had a feeling that those fast, catchy tunes she had been playing were probably songs that Johanna would love to dance to as well…and she was sure it had been a long time since her mother had danced like no one was watching. The thought unleashed what seemed like a hundred different memories of the two of them dancing around the kitchen at home while cooking or baking, the radio blaring with a mixture of songs from both of their generations. She smiled; her mother loved music; she had seen a lot of the legends in concert and every decade of her life had brought her new acts that she embraced and loved. Her father kept his radio tuned to the oldies station…her mother had been in the car with her that morning singing along to Katy Perry and Adele…and she hadn't missed a word.

She had always been that way, Kate recalled; she always stayed current…always seemed to pick up the lyrics easily. Memories of their sing alongs in the car on the ride to school or the ride home, filled her mind; the dancing in the kitchen; the late afternoons before her father came home when they'd sit down together and watch music videos on MTV. A small smile touched her lips, a surge of emotion squeezing her throat; they had seen many concerts together; Madonna being one of them…the Spice Girls one of the last…and she could still remember her father laughing because her mother seemed to enjoy the bubble gum pop music just as much as she did…even if it did go against her bad ass image that she wanted to portray. But they had gone, despite the light hearted teasing and they'd had so much fun that night. For a moment the memory was too much to bear and she had to look away from her mother and glance at some invisible point on the wall until she got herself under control. Music was a part of her mother…it was a part of them, their girl bond, as her father had called it once upon a time.

Kate breathed deeply and exhaled; ending her work out on the stair climber and moving across the room to the weights. Music was a part of their bond…running had been too. They used to run together on the weekends; or even sometimes after they had gotten home from school and work. Just the two of them would take off through the neighborhood, a bit of competitiveness between them for awhile and then eventually they'd drop into a walk for a short break and they'd talk about their day. It was one of their things…

 _Oh._

Realization slammed into Kate as she lifted a small barbell; a memory floating up from the recesses of her mind about a call home she had made when she was at Stanford.

" _Where's Mom?" Kate asked her father after a few minutes of chatting._

" _She's at the gym; she'll be home in a little while," Jim answered. "She goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays."_

" _The gym?" she repeated. "What for? Mom never went there before."_

" _She goes to run on the treadmill."_

" _Why? She's always ran outside; that's what we always do."_

" _No; it's what you always did," Jim replied. "That's what you did before you left for school…clear across the country."_

 _She rolled her eyes; her father's guilt trips about leaving the east coast for the west were already engrained into her brain; she knew them chapter song and verse. "What does that have to do with anything, Dad?"_

" _You're not here to run with her, Katie. She won't run outside without you; she says it's too lonely and she can't stand it. Sharon was getting a gym membership and if she brought in a friend they could each get a membership for half price so she goes with her and does her running on the treadmill now. She said she'll go back to running outside when you come home on your breaks."_

Her heart thudded against her ribs; tears springing to her eyes. Her mother didn't run outside because it was _their_ thing. She wouldn't run outside without _her_. Oh. She should've seen it sooner…should've known that the only reason that her mother would deny her an answer was if it had to do with something sensitive…something that might upset their fragile bond. Something that might send her running, slamming the door shut between them again. Her eyes stung and she blinked back the moisture that filled them as she glanced at her mother in the mirror. Her mother was still focused on her run and her music…she was used to being alone now…it made her a quieter being than she used to be. So many things were still the same about her…and yet there were things that were different now too. She was quieter, more emotional…prone to bouts of depression. But there was something else as well; something Kate knew about all too well. Her mother had built a wall; she had kept people out for thirteen years; not wanting anyone to get close, not wanting to tell lies about who she was or where she came from. She still used that wall now that she was home…Kate could sometimes see her slipping behind it when things got rough; protecting herself from the inevitable hurt she assumed was coming her way. She kept secrets behind it; like the reason she didn't run outdoors any longer; the reason why she was up late at night pacing the floor or sitting quietly by the living room window. She never mentioned any nightmares…but Kate had heard her crying in the middle of the night on several occasions. She never knocked on the door; never mentioned it…and her mother; she got up in the morning and carried on as if she hadn't shed any tears in the darkness. She kept it quiet; kept it behind the wall and did what was expected of her; she had to toe the boundary lines, play by the rules; be as honest as possible; even if the answers weren't liked and it caused her misery. She wasn't allowed to expect too much; she had to make do with what she was given…and she did, despite whatever private thoughts she had about it.

Yes; she definitely had a wall of her own…like mother, like daughter, Kate thought to herself, her gaze still focused on her mother's reflection in the mirror. They were both screwed up…and she wondered if they'd ever get straightened out to fit the world's definition of normal…but she doubted it. She shook off her thoughts and focused her attention on her mother; about to open her mouth to suggest that maybe it was time for her to start slowing down her run, but her mother's finger touched the control panel, a beep sounding from the treadmill as she dropped two levels and began to slow her pace. She knew what she was doing, she didn't need policed.

Kate lifted the weights a few times; her gaze flicking to the mirror every time she heard the beep of the treadmill lowering levels as Johanna slowed into a walk.

"You okay?" she finally asked.

"Yeah; I just felt like I had ran enough," Johanna answered.

Kate's gaze flicked to the clock on the wall and she sat down the weights. "We probably should be getting out of here; it's a little after eight; we probably got enough exercise."

Johanna nodded as she got off the treadmill and moved to the small tote bag Kate had brought along and grabbed a towel from it to wipe her face. "I feel like I got plenty."

Kate worried her lip as she chose her words carefully. "Listen; this isn't an age related question; because you more than proved that your age doesn't matter right now; you're still healthy and active…"

"But?" Johanna asked; her brow rising as suspicion flicked across her features.

"But I wanted to ask you how you feel, since you haven't done this in a few months. Do you feel alright? You didn't over do it?"

Johanna shook her head. "I feel fine, Katie…actually I feel pretty good. I enjoyed it."

"Good, I'm glad," she replied. "Let's go clean up a little and then we'll hit our next stop."

"Which is?" her mother asked.

"The shooting range…I figure we could use a little practice."

"We're going to shoot at things?"

"Yes; we're going to shoot at targets…just like on TV," she told her.

Johanna smiled. "Oh good; I've been wanting to shoot things."

Kate nodded. "Yeah; I'm sure I can guess what one of those things is…try to tone down the smiling, people might get the wrong idea about you being so happy to shoot at things."

"I'll try to control myself," Johanna replied; but a small smile lingered on her lips.

An amused smirk curved Kate's mouth upwards as she shook her head. "Come on; let's go, Annie Oakley."

"Can I help it if running and shooting things seem like good stress relief methods at the moment?" her mother asked. "I mean look at my life…look at my husband."

Kate gently pushed her toward the door of the locker room. "Believe me, Mother; I can understand why Dad has driven you to the desire to shoot things."

"I'm glad someone understands," Johanna replied; "Because he certainly doesn't."

"I know; but you can work the rest of that aggression out on a paper target."

"I'm looking forward to it," her mother stated. "I've got plenty of aggression to burn."

* * *

Downstairs in the shooting gallery; Kate took her practice turns first…a part of her admitting to herself that she wanted to show her mother how good she could be so she'd know that there was no question about her ability to protect her. It wasn't that she thought that Johanna had any doubts about that…but she wanted to show her anyway…and maybe some odd part of her wanted that maternal pride that she could so clearly see on her mother's face.

"I wonder if you're so good at that because of that Nintendo game you had when you were little," Johanna commented as she studied the target Kate had shot at. "You know; the one where you shot at ducks…you and your father always liked to play that when you were stuck on some level of another game."

Kate smiled. "I remember that game! I hadn't thought about it in that way though; maybe it did help me have good aim. Do you remember that day when I finally got good enough that I beat Dad?"

Johanna laughed softly. "Yes; I remember."

"He almost couldn't handle the defeat," she recalled; "He couldn't believe I beat him."

"It was a proud moment," her mother said with a laugh. "I believe I baked you some cupcakes to celebrate your victory…which was well earned since your father always gloated so much when he won."

"Especially when he'd beat you," Kate quipped.

"I know…that's why I'd practice when the two of you would be out somewhere and I had the house to myself. It took me a year but I finally got good enough to beat him."

"That was a good day too," her daughter laughed.

"It was," Johanna said with a wistful smile. "That Nintendo was entertainment for the whole family."

Kate smiled and nodded in agreement as she held the gun out to her mother. "Are you ready for your turn? I really should know what you're able to do…just in case."

"I'm ready; but I'm probably rusty, Katie. I have a gun in Wyoming but I only practiced with it when I first got it. Your father taught me how to shoot a long time ago; and I kind of base what I know how to do on that. I'm nowhere near your level."

"I wouldn't expect you to be," she replied; "I'm a cop; I have to practice all the time. You're a civilian, you don't. Let me put up a fresh target for you and then we'll see what you can do."

"Okay."

Kate gave Johanna a few pointers on her stance and then instructed her to hit certain areas of the target. Her mother wasn't lying about being a little rusty; her first shots missed their marks. She remained patient, giving tips, telling her to relax, that she didn't have to be on her level of expertise. By the fourth round, her mother's aim had improved; but she still wasn't hitting the areas that she'd like her to.

"Let's try this," Kate said as she looked at the target and then back to her mother. "See that target down there?"

"I should hope so, I've been shooting at it," Johanna replied.

She smirked at her. "You've been shooting at it but you haven't been hitting the spots I'd like you to."

"I told you I was out of practice."

"It shows," Kate remarked; "Now picture this…"

"Sicily, 1912," Johanna stated without missing a beat.

Her daughter shot her a look. "Okay; that's enough Golden Girls reruns for you."

Johanna smiled. "Sorry; I couldn't resist."

"I know," Kate replied; "That's a part of your nature; now picture this, and by this, I mean picture this scene in your head; not Sophia and Sicily 1912."

"I think one of the reasons I like that show so much is because Sophia reminds me of my Grandmother, who was also Italian and named Sophia."

"Mother; focus."

"Okay, I'm ready," Johanna replied.

"Alright; you walk into the house…"

"Whose house?" her mother asked.

"Yours…home…with Dad."

"Okay."

"Now, you've walked into the house…and Melanie is there," Kate said, a gleam lighting up her eyes as she saw her mother's jaw tighten instantly. "Not only is she there, she's in your kitchen…sitting at your table…with Dad. Now…"

Before Kate could finish her sentence, Johanna raised the gun and unloaded four bullets into the center ring of the target. "I think I eliminated her," Johanna declared as she looked at the target in the distance.

Kate nodded as she pushed the button to run the paper target up the track to their station. "Yep; I'd say you eliminated her alright."

"Good; that's what she gets for coming into my house and getting cozy with my husband."

She couldn't help but laugh a little. "It was just a made up situation."

"Well now you know what will happen if it ever becomes reality," Johanna remarked. "Now where's the target that's your father for letting her in the door?"

"I don't think we want to pretend that a target is Dad."

"Speak for yourself," she muttered. "I don't want to fatally wound him…I just want to inflict some superficial wounds on him."

"For the made up Melanie story?"

"For the made up Melanie story, the real Melanie story and for implying that I've been out in Wyoming acting like a whore instead of behaving like a married woman."

"He didn't call you a whore," Kate reminded her.

"Not out loud," Johanna said; "But I know he was thinking it."

She sighed. "He was just…"

"Being a jackass," Johanna supplied for her. "The nerve of him to think I'd have an affair! What kind of woman does he take me for? He acts like he doesn't know me at all!"

"Jackass might not be the best word to use since it has that certain man's name in it," her daughter quipped.

"Do you know a better one?"

Kate thought for a moment and then shook her head. "No; we're going to have to go with that one…even if it does have that name in it."

Johanna huffed in annoyance. "Like I'd ever want Jack," she said with a touch of disdain. "He doesn't interest me in the slightest. He's one of the most boring men I've ever met in my life."

"Did you tell Dad that?"

"I've tried to tell him a lot of things!" she exclaimed. "He just sits there and acts like he doesn't hear me. Yesterday he brought paperwork with him and stayed in the kitchen at your table most of the time. I got so irritated I locked myself in the bedroom so I wouldn't be tempted to throttle him for his snide looks he threw at me anytime I dared to enter the kitchen. Put that damn target up, Katie."

"I don't know if I can knowing who you're going to pretend it is," she replied. "He is my father."

"Pretend you don't know what I'm pretending."

"You know I snuck you out this morning in hopes that this would help you blow off steam."

Johanna met her eye and held her gaze. "Then put up the target and let me blow off my steam…I won't blow the pretend head off the target, I promise. I intend to aim lower if I stay in the pretend Melanie scenario."

"Why don't you just keep pretending it's Melanie," her daughter replied as she put up a new target. "Let's see if you still do as good at hitting that center ring if you imagine that you've found her in the living room…on the couch with him."

Johanna fired the gun rapidly; emptying the clip into the center ring. "How's that?"

"Great," Kate remarked as she took the gun from her to reload it. "Now that you can hit the center; try the next ring above it."

"Where's Melanie at now?" she asked.

"Do this one without thinking about her."

Johanna aimed and fired; managing to hit the line of the ring itself instead of inside the ring. "I guess I missed a little; huh?"

Kate shook her head. "Not by too much; that's not too bad. Try again."

"Okay," her mother said as she aimed the gun once more. She had the same amount of success as her previous attempt and she frowned. "I can't hit that one too good."

"You just need a little practice; here, adjust your hold a little bit," Kate said as she reached for her mother's hands and repositioned them and then nudged her to change her stance slightly. "Now try."

Johanna fired but missed the area of the target she was supposed to hit; clipping the paper to the side of the outline. "I did better standing my way," she remarked.

"Yeah; you did; sorry; go back to standing the way you were," Kate told her, noting that her mother also returned to holding the gun in manner she had been.

Even with readjusting her stance and her hold, Johanna still couldn't get a bullet inside the ring Kate had told her to hit. "Maybe I'm not any good at this after all," she stated.

"No; you're doing fine," her daughter replied. "Don't get tense about it; it's just practice…hopefully you'll never have to use it; but let's try this. The target is now Melanie again; you caught her on the stairs at home."

Johanna fired and two bullets hit the ring Kate wanted…and one hit the center. "I got her," Johanna declared with a smile. "I got that bitch…that'll teach her to think about going upstairs in my house."

Kate gave a nod. "Yeah, you got her again," she said, pressing the button once more so she could put up a fresh target. It was a strange phenomenon to witness, this habit of her mother's aim becoming so much more accurate when Melanie's name was mentioned. She wasn't sure if she should be concerned or amused.

"Which ring do you want me to hit next?" Johanna asked, a smile clinging to her lips.

"Try the seven," her daughter replied.

Johanna aimed and fired, hitting the specified ring on the first try.

"Still visualizing?" Kate asked.

"Mhmm; I like it."

"Stop visualizing and hit the eight."

Her mother fired and hit the seven ring instead; frowning as she noticed her error. "Damn it," she muttered.

Kate pondered the situation and then decided to test the 'Melanie' theory as she now called it. "Still aiming for the eight, visualize that Melanie is upstairs…in your room."

The gun fired rapidly; holes littering the target as the gun emptied.

"I said the eight ring," Kate remarked as she looked at the damage.

"I hit it!" Johanna exclaimed; "Look; it's that hole right there to the left."

"Yeah; you hit the eight; you also hit the center ring twice and I'm pretty sure you blew off her nose."

Johanna laid a hand against her chest. "I'm devastated…some plastic surgeon somewhere worked hard on that nose and some ex-husband paid big bucks for it and I obliterated it."

"Mother!" she exclaimed; trying to keep from laughing but failing miserably.

"What?" Johanna asked. "If I ever catch her in my bedroom, she'll be lucky if her nose is the only thing I blow off…it isn't like it's the original nose anyway; she's had it chopped up so many times she probably wouldn't even notice."

"This was a bad idea," Kate giggled.

"No, it wasn't, I like it."

"I can tell," her daughter replied; "But if you're going to shoot off Melanie's fake parts, I thought you'd probably aim for one of the breast implants."

"Well now that you mention it," Johanna said as she aimed the gun at the target again and fired. "There you go."

Kate shook her head. "That'll teach her to get her hooks into another woman's man."

"There won't be anything left of her if she touches mine," her mother declared.

"Yeah; I can see that."

Johanna shrugged. "Honestly; I probably did her a favor; that last nose job was really bad…and maybe it's just a flesh wound and they can reconstruct it…for a fifth time…or tenth; who knows by now."

"Mother!"

"What? I just did what you wanted. I visualized the threat and I eliminated it."

"Okay," Kate said; "Here's something I want you to keep in the back of your mind; if we would ever be in a position where we'd have to use guns because of another break in or similar situation; you pretend that the enemy is Melanie and she's there to seduce Dad; and you eliminate the threat."

"No problem," Johanna replied. "Do you want me to keep going?"

"Go ahead if you want to, blow off all that steam that you can."

"Do I have to stop visualizing?"

"No; visualize whatever you want; you've got to get your kicks somehow."

"Good," Johanna smiled; "Now I'd like to visualize Stanley Carmichael."

Kate waved a hand at the target. "Go ahead; I'm sure you have your reasons."

"Plenty of them," Johanna quipped as she aimed and fired.

"You're not going to pretend that any of the targets are Grandma Beckett are you?" Kate asked.

She shook her head. "No; I'd never shoot Lizzie. That wouldn't have been true to us…Lizzie and I would've wanted a hands on approach to violence…like my hands around her neck…she would've wanted hers around mine…maybe some punching."

"Knock down drag out does seem like it would be more your style," her daughter agreed.

Johanna nodded. "I'd never really shoot anyone unless I had to; like if someone was trying to hurt you or your father…even if your father was having an affair with Melanie; I'd want to beat her before shooting her."

"You're flexible like that," Kate remarked flippantly.

"I try," she quipped. "The beating would be the warning…if she came back after that…well, then it's time to aim and fire."

"What about Dad?"

Johanna met her gaze. "Believe me, he would be dealt with."

She grinned. "I don't doubt it."

Her mother sighed as she stared at the target. "I wish he'd talk to me…I hate it when he won't talk to me."

"I know."

"It makes me…" she trailed off.

"Angry," Kate supplied. "It makes you angry and then you talk until you find a phrase that ticks him off and makes him respond."

"Pretty much," Johanna replied. "See what you get to look forward to one day when you get married."

"Maybe that's why I haven't gotten married yet," Kate said as her mother took another shot. "I don't know if I can handle having that much joy in my life."

Her mother smiled. "When it's bad, it's bad…but when it's good; well then it's the best thing in the world. Don't get me wrong; your father infuriates me at times…and sometimes he brings out the worst in me…but he's everything to me; he's my heart; I'm not whole without him…even when he hates me, he's all I want."

"He doesn't hate you," Kate murmured. "He could never hate you."

"I'm not too sure about that…I think a lot of people hate me…or are going to hate me when all of this comes out," she said softly. "I think about that, you know…what's going to happen when everyone knows. I think about what it'll be like if my husband never believes me about that call from Jack. I think about what will happen if you both wash your hands of me once this is all settled."

Kate shifted at her side. "Do you know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think that you think too much," she told her.

Johanna sighed. "There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that."

"Sure you can," Kate said as she reloaded the gun. "Put a bullet for every bad thought in that target down there. Give yourself a break today."

Her mother nodded and accepted the gun; firing her bad thoughts at the target. It didn't help as much as she would've liked but she'd never say so to Kate. She wouldn't feel better until things were settled with her husband…settled in a good way that was.

They each took a few more turns shooting at the target until finally Johanna laid the gun down and declined her next turn. "My arm is getting tired, Katie. You can keep going if you want but I think I'm done."

"No; I'm ready to go if you are."

"I'm ready," Johanna replied; "But do you think we could drive around a little bit? Sightsee from the car? I'd just like to be able to see the city a little bit."

Kate nodded. "Sure; we'll drive around for awhile; we don't have anything better to do. Maybe we can get some lunch afterwards if you feel up to it."

Her mother conjured up a smile for her. "That would be nice…maybe that place I always liked that had the best salads and dressings?"

"Yeah; we can go there…we can't sit outside though; I know you always liked the outside tables but we'd be better off going in and sitting somewhere in the back."

"That's fine," Johanna replied. "I don't mind."

"Alright then; a little sightseeing and then lunch…we'll just play today by ear."

* * *

Their last stop of their adventure out of the apartment was one Kate had debated about all the night before. Somehow the decision had come easily after their drive around the city and their lunch; and a quick call to Castle had secured them the key to his office at the Old Haunt. He had also been good enough to call ahead and order their drinks…two margaritas…her mother's foot hadn't stopped tapping in anticipation from the moment they picked up the key.

When they arrived at the bar, they picked up their drinks and Kate hurriedly ushered her mother down to the office and locked them inside. They probably really shouldn't be doing this, she thought as she sat down at Castle's desk…they should've gone on home…but in all honesty; she felt like they had each earned the right to have a drink…even if she was partial to other drinks. It was her mother's day though and she would drink a margarita with her in a show of solidarity. She watched as Johanna settled down on the sofa, swirling her drink for a moment and then taking that first sip, her eyes closing as she savored the flavor. "That's so damn good," she muttered.

"Are you happy now?" Kate asked.

Johanna nodded. "This is as close to thrilled as I can get at the moment."

Kate gave a short laugh and picked up her glass to take a drink; her lips puckering slightly from the taste of the tequila.

Her mother chuckled. "What's that look about?"

"I'm not as partial to tequila as you are," Kate replied.

An amused grin tipped her mother's lips upwards. "Sissy."

Kate's mouth dropped open. "Excuse me?!" she exclaimed, unable to keep a laugh out of her voice.

"You heard me," Johanna said as she took another sip; her expression remaining composed as if she had merely taken a drink of water.

She gave a short laugh. "I don't know how you stand it…I can't believe you love these things as much as you do. I can drink one now and not want another one for years; they're not all that good."

"That's because you drink like a Beckett," Johanna remarked. "Becketts are partial to whiskey. I drink like a McKenzie. McKenzie's like anything with a kick…now you be a good girl and drink that like a McKenzie…dilute a little bit of the Beckett genes, sweetheart; those genes have a way of getting uptight."

Kate nodded. "I should be offended but you have a point…Becketts do get uptight…any time Dad was working on a major case worth a ton of money he'd be so uptight."

"Believe me, I know," Johanna remarked. "And let's not forget the queen of uptight; Elizabeth Beckett," she said, raising her glass.

Kate shook her head, a smile playing on her lips as her mother took another sip. "What would Naomi McKenzie think of your love of margaritas?"

She shrugged. "She probably couldn't say too much about it considering that there were a few occasions when we had a few shots of whiskey together."

Kate nearly choked on her drink. "Oh my God; are you serious!?"

"Very," Johanna replied; "I found out things I did not want to know."

Her daughter held up a hand. "Don't feel a need to share them…I have a feeling _I_ don't want to know."

"You don't," her mother repeated. "Believe me, you don't."

"I can tell that from the look on your face; let me live in ignorant bliss."

"No problem; but you see, the mother daughter concept of sharing a drink goes back in our family; I drank with your Grandmother; she drank with her mother. We're Italian; it's what we do."

"Really? I thought as Italians we yelled and got violent."

"We do," Johanna replied. "That's what we do before the drinking…and sometimes after…and on special occasions, maybe during."

"Oh, well, hell, I guess we're living up to the family tradition then," Kate said as she raised her glass. "Here's to those wild Italian Calabrese genes that morphed into McKenzie genes."

Her mother smiled. "They're the finest kind around."

Kate giggled and leaned back in the chair, relaxing a little as her mother shifted and made herself comfortable on the sofa. "I don't want you to think that we're going to make this a habit…because we can't," she told her. "This is probably a one time thing."

"I know, Katie; don't spoil the moment."

"I wasn't trying to; I just want to keep things in perspective for you."

Johanna sighed. "I've got plenty of perspective…and it's the last thing I want with my margarita. Margaritas are supposed to be enjoyed with an air of freedom…of embracing your wild side."

"Oh yeah; just how wild have you gotten with the help of your friend Marg?" her daughter asked.

"You don't want to know," Johanna replied; her cheeks warming.

Kate's brow rose. "Does Dad know about this?"

"He'll never forget it; trust me."

"Okay, stop right there," her daughter said. "I don't even want to think about it."

"I shouldn't think about it either," Johanna said; "It'll make me miss him…and then I'll get mad…and then I'll text him and tell him he's a jackass…and then we'll have to take a bottle of tequila home with us."

"We're not taking a bottle home with us."

"I know...but sometimes I'd like to."

"I know; that's why two is your limit when you're with me," Kate declared; a bit of an edge in her tone.

Johanna sighed. "This feels like it's going to take a depressing turn so I'm just going to shut up and drink this."

Silence fell and Kate took another sip of her own drink as her mother avoided eye contact and drank her margarita. She knew she had dampened the mood and she hadn't meant to…it was just that sometimes she worried about how easily her mother reached for the bottle of wine in her moments of turmoil…of how she had been craving that margarita. Her mother had always drank a glass of wine when the mood struck or when out for a special meal. She drank champagne at weddings and parties; she was known to have a cocktail with the girls; and once upon a time, Kate could even remember her having a beer with her father. She always stuck to a limit…and she still seemed to keep to that limit; but still…sometimes a worry crept up on her; she didn't want her falling into the habits she had already dealt with with one parent.

She shifted in Castle's leather chair; the air of the office feeling slightly oppressive as the silence lingered…melancholy easily seen upon her mother's face as she stared down into her glass and then took a long sip. "What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly.

Johanna gave a shake of her head. "Nothing," she murmured.

"Has to be something."

"Nothing I want to share," her mother replied; a subtle tartness to her tone that indicated she wanted the discussion to end before it even began.

"How come?" Kate asked.

"Because it's none of your business."

She was slightly taken aback by the answer and the tone of voice it was given in. "Hey; what's that all about? I thought we were having a good day."

"We are," Johanna replied.

"Then why am I suddenly getting your attitude?"

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to give you an attitude," her mother said before taking another sip.

"What's wrong?"

She laughed humorlessly. "What's wrong? My whole damn life is wrong, Katie. Just when I think I have a grasp on things; that have balance with both people that matter the most to me, something always comes along to upset it. I come home and get this tiny taste of my life back; I get to think for a little while that maybe everything can be worked out and will be okay and then a stupid phone call pretty much puts the nail in the coffin of my marriage and there doesn't seem to be a damn thing I can do about it," she said; her voice cracking.

Kate sighed. "It's not over…it's going to be fine; it's only been a couple days. You know how Dad is; he has to stew awhile and then slowly his brain clears and things work out. Just relax…stop crying…he'll be back…you're the only one who's going to put up with him, so really he has no choice but stick with you; okay? Trust me."

"I'm sure he's got plenty of choices," Johanna said as she wiped away a tear. "He's handsome and loving; warm and funny; successful…he's everything a woman could want."

"No, he's everything you want," Kate said; "And you've spoiled him; no one would ever be able to live up to your care taking of him. I mean let's face it; you always cooked his breakfast; cooked his dinner; met him for lunch at least three days out of the work week. You checked his pockets, washed his clothes, ironed them and picked up his suits from the dry cleaners. You tie his tie when he can't get it the way he wants it; you find his keys and files when he misplaces them. You listen to his rants and raves; stroke his ego and make him laugh. You nurse him when he's sick; you indulge his sports obsession; you manage his house, keep the refrigerator stocked; you gave birth to his kid….which means you've taken care of that other area I'm not even going to name because we both cringe and I don't want to have to buy a bottle of tequila. You helped him with his work when he was stuck on something; you made sure he always had everything he wanted. You treated him like a King; like he was the best thing since sliced bread…other women are not going to be able to live up to that. You're going to have to keep him."

"I want to keep him…he just doesn't want to keep me."

"Believe me he does…and like I said before; I think this is about a little more than a phone call; some of this is about…well, you know," Kate said; her gaze shifting away.

Johanna scoffed. "Yeah, I know…with men it always comes back to sex."

Kate cringed a little and took a sip of her drink. "That's the truth…and you probably wouldn't have all this hoopla about a phone call if you had taken care of that issue."

Johanna shot her a look. "I would've been more than happy to take care of that issue as I planned on doing that day but the goddamn phone rang!"

"I know…"

"It would've been taken care of before that if it hadn't been for one of your phone calls!"

Kate cringed even more. "Yeah; I know…sorry."

Her mother scoffed. "Believe me; no one is sorrier than I am."

"Hey; I tried to develop a pattern after that so I wouldn't interrupt," her daughter replied. "It's not my fault that you didn't act on it."

"The moment wasn't right!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Well why didn't you make it right?!"

"Oh I don't know; I mean it's not like I have any problems or issues to deal with at the moment," Johanna remarked. "I'm just having a leisurely vacation; sponging off my daughter while annoying my husband with a lack of sex."

"Oh God," Kate muttered before downing the rest of her margarita. "I can't believe we keep ending up in this discussion about your sex life."

"Me neither," Johanna remarked; "But like I told you before; talking about my sex life would imply that I have one and I don't; I haven't had one for a very long time."

"I know; you've told me."

"Not because I wanted to!"

"I know," Kate said; shaking her head a little. "Believe me, I know it wasn't a subject that you willingly brought to the table…but here it is…because the universe wants to torture both us with the knowledge."

"The knowledge of what?"

"Your sex life…or lack there of."

Johanna nodded and took a sip of her drink. "I hate my life."

"Don't feel bad; I'm not too crazy about mine either every time we have this discussion."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do about all of this," her mother muttered.

"Well, I guess you can look at the bright side," Kate remarked.

Her mother's brow rose. "And what would that be?"

"As much as it pains me to say, due to being your daughter, he wants it with you…and being that he's so uptight about everything lately due to it, clearly means that he isn't getting it from Melanie or anyone else," she said with a laugh.

"If I ever catch him getting anything from Melanie; it'll be the last thing he gets from anybody…because the first bullet is going where it counts," Johanna declared.

Kate winced. "God I wish we weren't discussing this."

"You brought it up."

"I know…because we both know that's really part of the problem. He doesn't want you…you know…with someone else."

"I'm not! I never even thought about it!"

"I believe you," she replied; holding up a hand; "But you know how men are…they stake a claim; no one else is allowed near it even if it is harmless. Dad looks calm and sedate but when it comes to you; he loses all reason and he's extremely possessive. You may as well have his name stamped on you."

"If I thought that would help; I'd go get it stamped on me!"

Kate gave her an amused smirk. "Do you want to get tattoos after the margaritas?"

"No," Johanna replied; "Take me to my husband; maybe I can settle this."

"I'm not waiting in the car while you try to take care of thirteen years worth of business."

"Yeah…that would probably take awhile…not that he'd let me get anywhere near started as pissed off as he is."

"Maybe you should cook him a steak first," Kate suggested.

"God no; steak is for guilt…if I gave him steak, he'd think it was proof that I had an affair. Are you crazy?"

"I must be," her daughter replied; "After all, I started this conversation…and I hate myself a little for it."

Johanna shrugged. "Could be worse; you could be me; I hate myself all the time for everything. I just want to fix this thing with my husband…I don't want to lose my second chance…it looked like everything was going to be fine."

"It will be…you're just going to have to take care of that issue first," Kate remarked.

"I will as soon as he stops being a jackass!" she exclaimed before finishing her drink. "Until then, he can do without like the rest of us!"

Kate nodded. "Hopefully the jackass phase will end soon…and then you can take care of your issue and put all of us out of our misery…and please don't feel a need to tell me that it's taken care of…I'm sure I'll be able to guess."

"Believe me, I wasn't going to offer you details about it if it ever occurs," her mother retorted.

"Good to know," Kate replied; "And this whole thing just goes to show that you were right."

"About what?"

"When you told me that sex is nothing but trouble," she laughed.

Johanna's head bobbed in agreement. "That's the truth…it might be fun but sometimes it just isn't worth the aggravation or messing up your hair…especially when you have to go back to work when your break is over."

"Oh my God," Kate said as she got up from the chair. "I do not want to hear about your lunch break escapades. I'm going to go get you another margarita and hope that we'll either think up a new topic or that you'll pass out in the car."

"It's been so long since I've have had margaritas that passing out is probably a possibility."

Her daughter grinned. "Well, no margaritas and no sex; you're just not having any fun at all lately, are you?"

"Not at all," Johanna said; staring into her empty glass. "I'm pretty sure this what prison is like."

"Well at least you're out on bail now…and your daughter will buy you booze…within a reasonable limit; and your husband, when he's not being a stubborn jackass, is willing to refresh your memory on the rest."

"If only that came as easily as the alcohol," her mother replied.

"I don't know what to tell you about that…I don't even know why we're discussing it."

"We'll blame it on the margarita," Johanna replied. "But if it makes you feel any better; despite me saying earlier that I wouldn't tell you; your grandmother once discussed her sex life over shots of Jack Daniels…she even threw in my grandmother's sex life to top things off. I think I'm still a little scarred from it."

Kate gave a short laugh. "Well I guess we can say that we truly live up to tradition then; mother daughter drinks complete with talk about sex."

"Maybe it's an Italian thing," her mother said.

"Either that or we're just a dysfunctional family," Kate answered.

Johanna nodded. "I'll drink to that."

"I'll be back with your margarita so you can do that; lock the door until I knock to get back in."

Johanna did as she was told; wondering if she should really have that second drink…but then she thought of her current state of affairs and figured that she had earned it…and besides; who knew if she'd ever get the chance again? She didn't want to squander this time with her daughter; and she didn't want to squander the chance to cast her worries aside for awhile. She'd have the second drink.

* * *

Later that afternoon; Kate sat quietly in the chair and channel surfed as she waited for an expected knock on the door. She glanced over at the couch occasionally where her mother was curled up and sound asleep. She didn't blame her for needing a nap; returning to your usual exercise program after a break of several weeks was somewhat tiring, especially when coupled with an early morning wake up call.

Of course there were two margaritas to factor in as well.

She wondered briefly if perhaps the margaritas had been a bad idea after all. She hadn't taken into account that her mother hadn't had anything stronger than wine in a good while…and only a salad at lunch after a morning of exercise...and only a light breakfast that had probably been burned off on the treadmill. She sighed; maybe they weren't meant to be the type of mother and daughter that could go out drinking together. After all, she seemed to have a high tolerance for alcohol; her mother on the other hand, well, she figured it didn't take too much for her to be tipsy. That second margarita did seem to hit her pretty good…Johanna had been happy and chatty all the way home; had to be shushed in the elevator because she was being louder than usual and she had stumbled into her on the way into the apartment. Her mother had brushed that off as nothing more than a mere slip up but Kate hadn't been fooled…she was buzzed; there was no doubt about it.

Oh well, Kate mused; at least she felt better for a little while and was getting some rest…which probably meant she wasn't that bad of a daughter after all. She had done everything she could do for her current state of heartbreak; she had given her an outlet for her aggression, talked about awkward things, got her buzzed and then brought her home and covered her with a light throw when she decided to take her nap. She was definitely a responsible daughter…she had made sure her mother hadn't overdone the exercise or the drinking. Johanna might have a slight headache later on but she'd probably avoid a full blown hangover. At least they could hope she would. She was doing the daughter thing just fine.

She checked her phone to make sure she hadn't missed any messages and she glanced at the time; her father should be coming soon…at least she hoped he'd get there while her mother was still asleep. During her quiet time while her house guest slept off her margaritas, she recalled that her mother always swore by McDonalds as her 'I overindulged with that extra drink' pick me up…and the idea had been appealing to Kate. She hadn't had a burger from there in a long time and it sounded like a good idea. The only downside was that McDonalds didn't deliver and she didn't want to leave her mother alone to run out for take out. She also hadn't wanted to wake her and take her with her for that short jaunt. Since her father was usually out and about on Saturdays, she decided that he may as well make himself useful…especially considering that his stubbornness was the cause of so much stress and tension that last couple of days. She had called and asked sweetly that he make a McDonalds run…he had grudgingly agreed. Now if only he'd get there with it; because she was starving.

A few minutes passed and Kate was about to text Jim when a knock finally sounded at the door.

"Who is it?" Kate asked as she moved to the door and reached for the locks.

"Take a wild guess," her father replied.

"Mr. Sarcasm," she answered; "I was hoping for my dad."

"He's here too," Jim quipped.

Kate smiled as she pulled open the door. "Thanks for picking up the food, Dad. I know you didn't want to stop by today but they don't deliver and I had a craving."

"It's alright, Katie," he said as he stepped into the apartment; a part of him dreading facing his wife, but his gaze landed on her sleeping form on the couch.

"Is she really asleep or just pretending because I'm here?" he asked gruffly.

"No; she's asleep."

His gaze stayed upon his wife; waiting for signs that she was really awake. "How can you be sure?" he asked his daughter.

"Trust me," Kate said; "Her lights are out; they have been for about two hours."

Jim eyed her as he handed her the bags of take out. "What did you do to her?"

"Nothing," she replied as she opened the bags to make sure everything was accounted for; she always like to have extra to stow in the fridge for a quick re-heated meal the next day.

He didn't think that statement sounded as innocent as it should. "She sent a message this morning saying you were going to the gym."

"I know; and you didn't respond…and she cried. I know you're mad but you could've at least sent some bland reply acknowledging that she's still notifying you of every move she makes."

"I'm going to ignore the lecture because I'm in no mood for that, especially when it's coming from my daughter," Jim remarked. "Did you go to the gym?"

"Yes; we went to the precinct gym and she did a lot of running on the treadmill. She hasn't ran since the night before she came home; she enjoyed it."

"You didn't let her over do it, did you? She hasn't done that stuff in awhile."

"She didn't over do it; I kept an eye on her. She did fine…great actually. She's in great shape and great health."

"I'm aware of that but she's probably going to be feeling the effects of that run" he commented.

Kate gave a shake of her head as she searched the bag to make sure they had included the preferred sauce for mother's chicken nuggets. "She's not feeling any pain right now."

Jim's brow rose in suspicion as he followed his daughter to the kitchen; asleep at 4:30 in the afternoon; feeling no pain and Kate's sudden call for orders of McDonalds food set off alarm bells. "Did you get your mother drunk?"

Kate's head jerked upwards as she sat the bags on the table. "What?"

"You heard me; what did you do after the gym?"

"We went to the shooting range," she replied honestly. "She really enjoyed that."

He scoffed. "I'm sure I can imagine who she was pretending to shoot."

She smiled. "You might've been mentioned but most of the time I had her visualizing Melanie as the target…and since you made that comment about that person yesterday, she didn't have any trouble unloading the gun into the center ring. You might want to keep that in mind the next time you want to make those remarks…you don't even want to know where she threatened to shoot you if Melanie is ever found with you."

Jim grimaced. "I'm pretty sure I can guess."

"I hope so; I'd hate to have to draw you a picture."

"Do you ever realize just how much like her you are?" he asked.

"Only when you make it your mission in life to point it out," Kate remarked as she reached into a bag and grabbed a fry to pop into her mouth.

"What did you do after letting her play with guns?"

"Well then she asked if we could drive around the city a little so that she could sight see; I figured we were safe enough doing that so we cruised the city for awhile."

"And then?" he asked; his suspicions nowhere near deflated.

"Then we stopped at a restaurant for lunch; before you ask, we both had salads."

"What did you have to drink?" he asked.

"I had iced tea; she had Coke…as always," Kate replied. "Next question?"

"Where'd you go after lunch?"

"Don't worry, Dad; I didn't chaperone her on a date or anything; and she didn't pick up any phone numbers; it was strictly a girls day."

"You got her drunk, didn't you?"

Kate had to keep her feet firmly pressed against the floor to keep from shifting uneasily. She didn't like to discuss drinking with her father; and she sure as hell didn't want to tell him that she had taken her mother to a bar for a much needed drink. She conjured up a smile and shook her head at him. "Dad; do I look like the kind of daughter that would take her mother out and get her drunk?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation. "I don't put anything past either one of you. Your mother doesn't nap at this time of the day unless she's had some help…and she always wants McDonalds when she has a hangover. You also made those comments about her lights being out and that she wasn't feeling any pain."

Kate shrugged. "Her lights are out because she's sleepy and she isn't feeling any pain because she's asleep for the moment. She doesn't even know I asked you to get us food. I have a craving for a Big Mac; and since she's had a sampling of her favorites things; running, Madonna music, an outlet for her aggression and a nice girls day lunch; I figured she might enjoy one of her other guilty pleasures; chicken nuggets. Sue us."

"Uh huh," he muttered.

"Dad; you retired from the courtroom; stop giving me the third degree. Mom's fine; she got out for a little while; got some exercise, had some girl time with me and she's resting. In a few minutes I will wake her and make sure she eats her nuggets. I'm doing my part to be a decent daughter…especially since I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces every time you two fight."

Jim scoffed, but silently noted the slip up of her referring to Johanna as Mom instead of Mother. "Welcome to my world; I have to pick up the pieces every time something goes wrong between the two of you."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I don't want to do this with you. What do I owe you for the food?"

"Nothing," he said sharply.

"Don't give me that," she retorted. "I'm the one who asked for the food, I'll pay for it."

"I can afford to buy my daughter a meal once in awhile," Jim remarked. "As for your mother; she's my responsibility to support. I don't want your money."

Kate gave him a look. "You're lucky she's really asleep out there on the couch or she'd probably give you an earful for sounding like all she is is a financial obligation. I had to let her buy me lunch so she wouldn't get upset about it. She feels like she's living off me as it is."

"That's between the two of you," Jim replied. "I'm not taking your money; you're my daughter, she's my wife; I can afford to feed you."

She sighed. "Fine; be stubborn; you always are."

"Look who's talking," her father remarked. "You get your streak of it from your mother and it's way worse than mine."

Kate shook her head. "We discussed that during our drive around town; we decided you're wrong…as usual."

Jim smirked at her. "Now I know why my ears were burning earlier."

She smiled. "It' a wonder they didn't fall off…you're her favorite topic."

"On that note; I think I'll go…you should wake her and eat while your food is hot."

"Are you sure you don't want the money; because I really don't mind paying."

"I'm positive," he declared as he turned to leave the kitchen; Kate following behind him.

Jim paused in the center of the living room for a moment and then moved toward the couch. He lightly pressed his palm against Johanna's forehead and then touched her cheek to be sure she didn't have a fever.

"She's fine," Kate told him. "She's just taking a little nap; I woke her up early."

"I still think you gave her something…how much wine did she have?"

"None," she answered honestly. "I didn't give her anything…except a target to shoot at."

"Is that the story you're sticking to?" Jim asked.

Kate nodded. "Yes, it is; if you care to argue it, wait until my lawyer is awake…I'm asking for representation."

"Sure sign of guilt," Jim remarked as he headed for the door. "Go eat your burger, Katie. Call if you need me."

"I will, Dad; and don't worry; I'll take care of her…it's not like anyone else is lining up to take the job at the moment."

"I'm sure Jack wouldn't mind pitching in," he said tartly as he jerked the door open.

"Oh my God," Kate sighed. "She did not have an affair with him. She doesn't want him; she wants you; although why, I don't know because you could try the patience of a damn saint."

"Kind of like two other people I know," Jim replied. "A green eyed mother daughter duo who don't know when to quit."

"I know when to quit, watch this," Kate said, swinging the door shut as soon as he stepped into the hallway.

"Just like her," her father declared from the other side. "You're just like her."

"Thanks for the compliment; we'll see you soon," she called back; remaining by the door to listen to the sound of his footsteps as he moved down the hallway. When she was sure that he wasn't going to come back to launch round two of his third degree, she put the locks back in place and moved to the sofa to shake her mother awake.

"How many times are you going to wake me up in one day?" Johanna mumbled tiredly.

"This is the last time for today," Kate replied. "I promise. It's time for dinner though; I got you chicken nuggets from McDonalds."

Johanna cracked an eye open. "How did you accomplish that? They don't deliver and I don't think you would've gone out without telling me."

"I had Dad make a food run," she answered. "He just left."

Johanna raked a hand through her hair as she sat up, suddenly feeling uneasy about the drinks she had earlier. "You didn't tell him about…"

Kate shook her head; filling in the blanks that her mother had left dangling. "No; I didn't tell him that we went and had a drink. He suspects because you were asleep and I requested McDonalds; but I told him you were just tired from me waking you early and your work out."

"Did he believe that?" she asked quietly.

Her daughter shrugged. "I don't know…you know how he is."

"Yeah; I know…I guess he didn't want to stay and eat with us?"

"It seems that way; he only brought what I told him to get. I got some extra stuff in case we want to indulge again tomorrow…you can take the weekend off from kitchen duty."

Johanna offered her daughter a wobbly smile; knowing that she was doing everything she could to try and help her through the newest turmoil in her life. "A fast food weekend is probably called for…they are necessary at times."

"My thoughts exactly," she replied. "If it makes you feel any better; he did check you for fever before he left."

"That's nice to know," Johanna murmured. "Thank you for not telling him about the margaritas…I don't really feel right about telling him when we drink."

"I know…I don't either...it still feels a little awkward; you know?"

Her mother nodded. "I don't know how to handle it either..."

Kate didn't really want to go down the road of how to handle her father's past as an alcoholic and she quickly looked for a way to steer the conversation away from it. "Why don't you go get an Advil for the headache you most likely have and then we'll eat…maybe find a movie to watch."

Johanna took her hint; her daughter didn't want to talk about how to deal with being the loved one of a recovering alcoholic and she'd never force her to discuss that. It would be too painful for both of them. She pushed those thoughts away and caught Kate's eye. "If I didn't tell you, earlier; thank you for taking me out for a run today; it was nice."

"No problem," she replied, shifting slightly; "Hopefully one day soon we can go out for a run together…outside in the neighborhood at home…like we used to."

A sheen of tears appeared in Johanna's eyes but she managed to hold them back. "I'd like that, Katie," she said softly.

Kate gave her a small smile as she held out a hand to help her up. "We'll get there…I promise."

Johanna squeezed the hand that her daughter offered; that feeling of hope she clung to growing a little bigger. Things might be a mess in her marriage at the moment; but her daughter was there; being an ally, a friend, a much needed support system. She didn't have to be; she'd have every right to turn her back on her; to call her a liar and cast her aside again…but she didn't…and that meant the world to her.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter is set toward the end of chapter 26 of Apologize as Kate's time off from work after her accident came to an end._

Chapter 4- Worries and Promises

Kate rubbed her eye, silently cursing the fact that it was two in the morning and she was searching for her mother. She had heard Johanna moving in the hallway around midnight but had fallen asleep before hearing her return to her room. She had woken up a few minutes before and had given in to the urge to check the guest room to be sure that her mother was safely back in her bed…but she had found it empty and her heart had tumbled in her chest for a moment before a flash of blue light from the living room shined down the hallway. She sighed deeply; why did her mother have to be an insomniac? She supposed it wasn't really a fair thought…she was sure she knew what was keeping Johanna awake tonight. She was angry that she was shunning doctor's orders and returning to work.

She didn't know what her mother wanted her to do; she couldn't just keep sitting there day after day while someone menaced their lives; she had to get back to work, Kate thought as she stepped into the living room and found her mother huddled beneath a blanket in the corner of the couch; the television illuminating her. She was wide awake…it wasn't a surprise; and yet she was unsure of what to do; what to say. The tension had returned between them; her mother bouncing between pensiveness and brooding; anguish detectable on her face at times; a sharp inflection to some of her words when she spoke…which hadn't been often. In fact now that she thought about it, they had barely spoken at all once Castle had left. Maybe it was more than going against orders, Kate thought to herself. Maybe it went deeper…maybe it treaded into an area they didn't really speak much about.

Her mother didn't know how to be the parent of a cop.

Kate pushed her hair back from her face and crossed the room quietly; settling down on the opposite side of the couch; trying to find words that would help but she wasn't sure she knew the right lines. "What are you doing up?" she asked softly.

"I'm not tired," Johanna murmured.

"You have to be tired," Kate replied. "You haven't slept more than a few hours here and there ever since the accident."

"I'm fine."

"You're tired," Kate said; keeping her tone soft. "I can tell."

"You think so?"

"Yeah…you're getting those dark circles under your eyes…and you're getting moody. Dad always says you're lethal when you're tired…of course he also said that when you had PMS."

"He's said a lot of things over the years," Johanna remarked as she pulled the blanket around her more snugly. "The dark circles have been there for while…I've just been keeping them covered…even at night…but I'm running out of concealer."

Kate looked at her in puzzlement. "Are you telling me that you get out of the shower and put concealer on?"

"Only lately."

"Why?"

"I don't want your father to worry…he notices everything. I could cut a centimeter off my hair and he'd know about it…and most likely protest."

Kate smiled a little; that was probably true. "I'll get some more concealer on the way home tomorrow."

"No; don't go making extra stops; just get home when you're supposed to," Johanna said; a touch of tartness in her tone.

She decided to let that slide for the moment. "Okay; I'll get it on my lunch break."

"No; I don't need it. Stay at your desk."

Kate's gaze slid toward her. "But if I'm already out for lunch; why not just stop at the drugstore and grab you a tube of concealer?"

"You don't need to go out for lunch; stay at your desk and order take out…or send Rick to pick up your lunch," Johanna remarked. "Just stay put."

Now they were getting somewhere, Kate thought to herself. "You can't keep me locked inside all the time," she said gently.

"Why not? I'm locked inside most of the time."

"That's different," she replied. "You're under police protection; I'm not…I'm the police."

"Don't remind me," her mother muttered; her gaze glued to the TV screen.

So she had been right, this was about her job. She had to give her mother credit; she did her best to keep that part of her stifled…but it was clearly ready to leak out; or at least it would if she'd allow it but it seemed like Johanna Beckett was desperately trying to keep a lid on that one. Maybe it was time to wade into those murky waters and pry it off.

"I'm a cop; Mother."

"I know what you are, Katie."

"Yeah, you do…and you can't forget it."

"I'm aware of that."

She shifted awkwardly. "I know you're mad at me…but you had to know that I was going back to work eventually. I can't just stay here and watch reruns with you all day."

"Who asked you to?" Johanna snapped. "You're determined to do what you want to do regardless of medical advice so just do it; go to work; drink caffeine, cause yourself more injury. You always do what you want anyway."

Kate forced herself to count to ten so she wouldn't lose her temper. "This isn't about any of that…this is about you wanting to keep me home with you."

"I'm aware that our 'Mommy and Me time' as you termed it, is over. Believe me; I didn't think it would last."

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings with the things I said earlier," Kate said carefully. "It wasn't my intention. You took care of me…just like you always have and I appreciate it."

"But?"

She shook her head. "There's no but; I do appreciate that you took care of me."

"I'm your mother; it's my job," Johanna stated; a part of her wishing that her daughter would just go back to bed. She didn't feel up to conversation at the moment; didn't feel like holding herself together and anything else that was expected of her.

"You're right; it is your job," Kate replied; "And it's my job to get back to work so we can end this case and get you back home…and even when this is over and you're home with Dad; I still have to go to work…I'm still going to be a cop…whether you like it or not."

"I don't like it!" Johanna exclaimed without meaning to. "I don't like it at all! I hate it, I hate knowing I'm the reason for it. I hate thinking of you out there on the streets among criminals. I hate thinking about how none of them have any qualms about hurting you or possibly killing you! I'm already living with enough of your blood on my hands!"

"It's not your fault," she said calmly. "Your hands are clean; any of my blood that's been shed has been because I chose this career. I chose to pursue your case. I made the choices; you didn't make them for me…and its okay if you hate what I do…you don't have to worry about offending me about that because I never thought for a moment that you'd be happy with it. You're my mother; you're not going to be happy seeing me in any job that can be dangerous; I get that; just like I know that Dad hates it."

"Then stop doing it," her mother cried.

"You know I can't. It's my job; it's my career…I can't change it now…and I don't want to; it's a part of me."

Johanna's tearful gaze met hers. "And you are a part of me."

Kate sighed. "You said you would've done the same thing if someone had taken Grandma away from you and you didn't know why."

"I would have," she replied; "But that doesn't mean I wanted you to do this. It terrifies me, Katie. I can't help it, it does. It terrifies me every time I see you walk out the door; and knowing I'm the reason only makes it worse. I try not to let it show; because I'm proud of you; so very proud of you…and I don't want to offend you or hurt you but I just…"

"I know," she said softly; sparing her the words. "But listen; you may be the reason I started this career…but I stay because of me; because I'm good at my job; I like my job. I know the risks and I accept them and have lived through them."

"And what about the day when you aren't so lucky?" Johanna whispered. "Do you know what that would do to your father and I?"

She knew what it do to them…she didn't like to think about it; but she knew…especially in the case of her guilt ridden mother. "Yes; I know what it would do to you…but things happen no matter what job a person has. You were a lawyer and look what happened…and if you chose to be a lawyer again; I'd be afraid every time you picked up a case because I'd worry this would happen again…but I wouldn't be able to stop you and you can't wrap me in a bubble just because I'm your daughter."

Her mother's words were silenced; the soft sound of the TV and her sniffles the only thing breaking through the darkness.

"You knew I'd go back to work," Kate found herself murmuring once more.

"That doesn't mean I have to like it," Johanna retorted.

"No; I guess you don't…but it doesn't change anything."

"I just wish you had finished school," her mother said softly as she swiped at her tears.

"What are you talking about? I finished school."

Johanna shook her head. "I always searched for your name among Stanford graduates and it was never there. Your father said you didn't finish school."

"I'll be back," Kate said as she rose from the sofa and headed back toward the bedrooms.

Johanna shifted and settled against the pillow she had brought from the guest room; figuring she had annoyed her daughter and that she wouldn't really be back in her presence until it was time for breakfast. She hadn't meant to tell her about the fear she had; about how she didn't like that she was in such a dangerous job. She should've kept her mouth shut; as always…but as usual she spoke without thinking. She managed to swallow the rest of her tears and tried to focus on the sitcom she was watching but she heard the sound of Kate's footsteps once more.

Kate reentered the room, a flat object in her hand that Johanna couldn't distinguish from the glow of the TV. Kate clicked on a lamp and tossed the item on her mother's lap. "There's your belated Mother's Day gift," she told her. "Sorry there's no card."

Johanna looked at her in confusion and then picked up the object on her lap; her gaze reading the words printed in gold lettering on the black case. ' _New York University'_. She opened it and her eyes landed on the diploma still sealed behind the thin plastic of standard diploma cases. The words _Katherine Houghton Beckett_ were spelled out on the center line; the degree in Criminal Justice. Tears pricked her eyes again; yet another moment of her child's life she had missed.

"You didn't find me on any list for Stanford because I transferred to NYU to be close to Dad; he didn't want me to but I did it anyway," Kate stated despite her mother's silence.

"But why did your father tell me that you didn't finish?" Johanna asked.

She smiled. "Because I didn't go to law school…in Dad's mind that means I didn't finish school."

Her mother nodded. "That does seem like his logic."

"Trust me it is," she replied.

Johanna lightly dragged her fingertips across the diploma and then closed it and held it out to Kate. "I'm glad you finished college," she told her. "It makes me happy and proud…and I'm sorry I wasn't there to witness it."

Kate glanced away. "It's okay; it's not your fault…you would've been there if you could have been."

She nodded. "Front row, center."

"I know."

"Here," Johanna said, nudging her with the diploma. "You better put it away so it doesn't get misplaced."

"Keep it," her daughter replied. "I told you it was your belated Mother's Day gift."

"But why?" Johanna asked softly.

Kate met her eye. "Because the only reason I stuck with it was for you…I didn't want to go back…but Dad did a lot of guilt tripping and telling me how disappointed you'd be, how disappointed he'd be…and to tell you the truth at that moment I didn't care much about his disappointment…but I didn't want to let you down. So I did it for you…you keep it; take it with you when you go home. It should probably be kept where it's safer anyway given that I've already lost one apartment. So really…you should keep it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…Happy Mother's Day…a few months late."

Johanna managed a wobbly smile. "Thank you."

"I guess I should've gotten you a card," Kate remarked. "You were in town for the occasion this year."

"You weren't exactly speaking to me though," her mother replied. "I probably wouldn't have liked whatever personalized note you would've included…we did get the DNA results two days before the occasion."

"Yeah; you probably wouldn't have liked the note," she agreed. "I didn't even realize Mother's Day had come and gone this year until a few weeks afterward. Dad didn't mention anything…of course I guess Father's Day didn't get a lot of fanfare this year either; not that he mentioned it."

"I don't think any of us have been paying that much attention to dates and holidays," Johanna remarked quietly. "I almost missed his birthday...and I still can't get over that."

"You gave him a nice birthday," Kate assured. "He couldn't have been any happier; he had you; it's all he ever wanted.

Johanna breathed deeply; holding on to the gift her daughter had given her. There was so much that _she_ still wanted…and in the middle of the night it all seemed so far away; the future bleak and unforgiving. She wondered if she'd ever feel better…if she'd ever have a good night's sleep…if she'd ever get home. All of those thoughts seemed to bring her back around to the main issue keeping her awake that night; her daughter's instance that she was going back to work in the morning. "I still think you should reconsider going…" she began to say but Kate held up a hand stopping her words.

"I'm going; accept it and move past it."

"Katie," she sighed; "The doctor said…"

"I don't care!" she exclaimed. "I'm fine; you took such good care of me that I am healed enough and ready to get back to work."

"Trying to build up my ego isn't gaining you any points with this argument," Johanna remarked.

Kate held her gaze. "There is no argument; I'm going and you can't stop me. I know you worry; I know you hate that I do this; I get that, really I do and regardless of what you may think, I don't hold it against you that you feel that way…but one day you'll get used to it. Dad's gotten used to it and you will too. One day it'll just be an after thought and it won't worry you so much."

"You severely underestimate my skills in worrying. I haven't stopped worrying about you for a second since the moment I found out I was pregnant…I was terrified when I hit the four month mark and still hadn't felt you move…you took your sweet time about it too; your father had to give you a talk," Johanna stated.

She scoffed. "And you think it was Dad's talk that inspired me to finally kick you?"

"You always responded to your father's voice, Katie; he talked to you every night and you'd kick and roll and punch. You'd be a little calm and sedate and I'd start to worry…and then he'd get close to my stomach and he'd talk to you and you'd be as active as you could be."

"I still doubt that he inspired my first kick."

"Doubt whatever you want; I know the truth," Johanna remarked. "Who are you going to trust; me, who felt the evidence and knows what proceeded the kick; or you who didn't even know how to form a memory at that point?"

Kate shrugged. "Okay; I'll just let you have your memory and not point out that it was all probably just coincidental that I discovered how to move the same night my father gave me a talk about it."

"Katie," her mother said.

"What?"

"Don't be like Elizabeth Beckett…she was far too logical and it made her uptight and unable to enjoy the magic of every day things."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not uptight."

"Not yet; but if you're not careful you could get there…it's in the blood…I really don't want to have to beat Elizabeth's portion out of you."

"Mother," she sighed in slight exasperation. "I feel like we're going in some kind of circle here tonight so let's just lay it out clearly. You don't want me to go to work; you want me to stay home and play tea party with you; you got comfortable with me being here constantly; you got into mommy mode and you've been all happy and content and now I'm upsetting your applecart…well, I'm sorry about that; but you knew this day was going to come and you're going to have to accept it. I know you worry; I know it scares you, I know you hate it…but you have to accept it."

Her mother didn't look the slightest bit amused or any closer to being logical about the whole thing. "I hope you have a daughter one day; just like you or worse."

Kate nodded. "I know; you've mentioned that a few times. If I do have a daughter one day; I think I'll name her Elizabeth," she remarked as she got up from the sofa. "Give you a little Lizzie for your life."

Johanna arched a brow at her. "I will rip the birth certificate from your hand and name her myself."

"Somehow I don't doubt that," she said with a half smile. "I'm going back to bed…I'm going to work in the morning."

Johanna stayed silent as she laid the diploma on the coffee table and watched Kate from the corner of her eye as she headed toward the hallway. "Can you really blame me for wanting to hold on to you?" she whispered so softly that Kate had just barely been able to hear her as she reached the threshold of the room.

Kate turned and met her gaze. "You act like I'm not coming back at the end of the day; I am."

"That's not the point, Katie."

"Then what is!?" she exclaimed in exasperation. "What more do you want?"

Her mother swallowed hard and seemed to fold into herself; her eyes betraying the worry that she had gone too far…that her time at the mother daughter ball had come to an end when the clock had stuck midnight. "Nothing," she murmured. "Go on; get some sleep…you need to be alert for work. I'll be fine…I accept the way things are; whether you think I do or not. I won't say a word about it in the morning, I promise."

She wasn't sure she believed that but she kept that thought to herself. "Are you sleeping on the couch tonight?"

"I thought about it but I don't have to; would you prefer I didn't?" Johanna asked.

Kate shook her head. "Sleep wherever you want."

"In that case, call me a cab; I'm going home to my husband."

"Nice try," Kate said. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Johanna said as she got up to turn off the light and then returned to her spot without another word; turning her back to her daughter and the TV that would keep her company as she feigned going to sleep.

Kate padded down the hallway but the conversation kept nagging at her; her mother's brooding stirring something within her…the need to know exactly what the point had been before her mother had cowered and brushed it all under the rug with a simple 'nothing'. It was something…and she needed to know what it was. She blew out a frustrated breath and turned around, making her way back to the living room. Her mother still had her back to the television; the blanket pulled up high but soft sniffles were audible from beneath it. She moved to the couch and pulled the blanket back; startling her mother and making her jerk in response. "Katie, what are you doing?" she asked tearfully.

"I want to know what the point was," she replied; pulling the blanket back up over her waist.

"What point?"

"When I said I'd be coming home at the end of the day; you said that wasn't the point…I want to know what the point is."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I just want to know…maybe I want to try to understand."

Johanna hesitated; her teeth worrying her lip for a moment. "The point," she said softly; "Is that I want to hang on to you…we've been apart for so long and I finally got some time with you…I don't like the way I had to get it; I never wanted you to have to get hurt; but we've had this time together…and it's been good…I got to feel like a mother; I got to be one again. I got to have my daughter back. I just…I want to be selfish…I don't want to lose the time…because I don't know if I'll ever have it again."

Kate sighed and nudged her mother's legs over so that she could perch on the edge of the sofa. "Nothing is going to happen to you; you're going to be fine."

"It's not that," she cried softly.

"Nothing's going to happen to me either; I'm fine…and believe me; I know three people who are going to hound my footsteps for the foreseeable future to make sure I stay that way. I'll be lucky if I can sneak off to the bathroom without an inquisition and an escort."

"It's not that either…but I'm glad they're going to hound you," Johanna replied.

"I figured you would be; but if it's not about something happening to you or me; then what is it?"

"You'll get mad if I tell you."

"I'll get mad if you don't; believe me, I'm not in the mood to play games."

Johanna grasped the blanket and pulled it up further, her fingers curling into the soft material. "I'm afraid you won't give me that kind of time again," she confessed.

Confusion flicked in Kate's eyes. "What?"

"I'm afraid we won't have time like that again…we've spent a lot of time together while you've been home…your father has given us a lot of time to be here just the two of us. I felt like we got closer…that we got past some things in a small ways."

"We did," Kate agreed with a nod. "So I'm not really understanding what you mean."

"I guess I mean that I'm afraid that things will change again now that you don't need me again. I'm afraid you'll change your mind and I'll have to go back to worrying about every word I say and anything I do. I don't want to lose you…I don't like your job because I don't want to lose you…and I hate that you're going back to work because I feel like I'm losing you in a different way…and I already lost you before…I don't want to do it again," Johanna whispered.

"You're not losing me," Kate said softly.

"I wish I could be sure of that," Johanna replied. She was no stranger to this feeling; she had felt it all her life with her father. Frank McKenzie would open the door sometimes, let her in, let her get close and comfortable and then he'd slap her face and put her back outside where he always made her feel like she belonged. Kate could very well do the same thing to her at any moment; especially now when her need of her was clearly at an end. Of course she had known that Kate would be going back to work when she was sufficiently healed…but it was so hard to let go…hard to have a taste of something that you knew wouldn't last no matter how badly you tried to hang on.

"How can you lose me when we're living under the same roof?" Kate asked. "We're together all evening…we set up half the night more often than not. We have breakfast together every morning. I call and check on you several times a day. Basically, we're together all the time…so how can you lose me?"

"You'd be surprised," her mother murmured. "I lived with my father for eighteen years and somewhere in the early years I lost him. I don't know what I did wrong; knowing me it was plenty but I lost…it doesn't matter if you live with someone; you can be sitting right next to them and lose them in a minute."

"You couldn't have done anything as a little girl," Kate remarked. "It had to be him."

"I don't know that…and I never will because he's gone. I just don't want to be in that type of relationship again. I don't want that to be us."

"You're not your father and I'm not you," her daughter declared.

"I wasn't casting you in my role…I was putting you in his."

"Why?"

"Because I can't let my guard down yet; I'm still afraid that you're going to slam the door on me at any minute," she confessed.

"Why would I do that when you agreed that we were doing better?"

Johanna sighed. "Katie, if there's one thing I've learned in my 61 years on this earth; it's that human nature is unpredictable."

"I guess I can't really argue with that," she admitted. "In my line of work I've seen a lot of things that makes that statement very true."

"So you see why I worry so much?"

Kate shook her head. "No; not when it comes to me or Dad…we're here…if we haven't left by now; do you really think we ever will?"

Johanna met her eye and held it. "Your father is here by choice…you didn't have much choice once your boss shoved me off on you, Katie."

"We've gotten past the mess things were in the beginning."

"I know…I just worry about what happens when this is over and you don't have to be around me so much. That's why I don't want to lose the time…I'm trying to grab as much as I can before you don't have to give me anymore."

Kate glanced away; she didn't know what the future held. She didn't have a crystal ball that could forecast how their relationship would progress as time went on. They both still had unresolved feelings in some areas…they also at times had contrasting personalities; her mother tended to cling…she tended to push away. They were both temperamental and easily angered. Her mother was a forgiving person by nature…she tended to hold a grudge. She loved her mother; loved her so much it hurt sometimes; wanted to cling to her the way she had since she was a baby but she had yet to push past that last barrier that would send her back to being the daughter she used to be. She wasn't that girl anymore…and her mother wasn't completely the woman she was used to her being either. Thirteen years of scars had changed both of them; they'd made her mother more vulnerable; they had made her harder. She couldn't promise her that they wouldn't clash from time to time…it was their nature; it wasn't something new although it hadn't happened too often in the past. She couldn't even promise that the aftermath would be easy for them to navigate…but she felt like she had to promise something…she had to give her something.

"You're my mother; I'm going to be around," she told her.

"Are you?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah…it's kind of like a law of nature isn't it? You're my mother; I must be around to torment you and steal things out of your closet."

"You're still planning to steal from my closet?"

She shrugged. "Yeah; that's part of the fun; you pretend to get mad; I pretend I'm going to give it back and never do…it's the way things are."

Johanna managed a small smile. "I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens."

"I'm going to be there," Kate said once more.

"Okay," her mother replied; a part of her saying it just to humor her because she knew they both had doubts about what their future held. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know!" she exclaimed. "We'll go to lunch."

"Oh God," Johanna muttered; "The worst answer that was ever created was 'we'll do lunch'…that's the Hollywood version of a kiss off."

Kate threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Oh my God; you're infuriating!"

"I've been told that before," she replied; "Usually by your father."

"He's not wrong!"

"Okay, we'll 'do lunch'," Johanna said, air quoting the words.

Kate's eyes narrowed. "You do realize that one day I will have the power to put you in a home, right?"

"I'm not afraid," her mother declared. "Hopefully when I'm there, you'll come around once in awhile so we can do lunch."

Kate got to her feet. "We are going to do lunch; next Mother's Day, and you're going to like it!"

"Am I?" Johanna asked; her eyes lighting up a bit in amusement.

"You are."

"Why will I like it?"

"Because I said so damn it!" Kate exclaimed. "Now go to sleep!"

"Aww, look at you; you're acting like a mommy already," Johanna said mischievously. "Hurry up and have that little girl while I'm still young enough to chase a toddler."

"Why would you be chasing a toddler?" her daughter asked.

"Somebody is going to have to watch her while you're at work…and you are not putting my granddaughter in daycare. She will be with me; I will devote my life to being a grandmother."

"I thought you were devoting your life to Dad."

"He'll buy a carseat for the car and learn to share me again," Johanna replied. "I am watching the baby…and when that terrible day comes when she's put in school; I will drop her off and pick her up on the days when you are unable and she will spend every other Saturday night with me…and any other night where you have to work odd hours. I will also buy her a kitten."

"Wow," Kate said; "Really? You've got it all worked out; you're going to do all the babysitting, the school pick ups, buy her a kitten and keep her every other Saturday night?"

"That's so you can have some time to yourself…you might want to give her a brother," Johanna replied.

"Two kids!"

"It's okay; I'll watch him too," she replied; "But really; honey; you've got to get the show on the road here soon; I'm not getting any younger. I still have plenty of energy for taking care of kids right now; don't squander it."

"Why are we discussing this?" Kate asked. "How did we even get from you being mad about me going back to work to you babysitting my, at this time, imaginary kids?"

Johanna shrugged. "Well you said you were going to be around; I figured if I go ahead and offer my babysitting services; it might ensure that you'll be around…you'll need me. I'll be a good grandmother; I don't mind playing Barbies and I bake cookies…I can teach her to play piano and we can watch the Sound of Music together."

"Dad will love that."

"He'll eat his cookies and pretend to like it for the sake of his grandchild," Johanna declared.

Kate nodded. "Are you going to make him wear a tiara and play tea party with her too?"

"No; tiaras and tea parties are my thing…he can teach her to throw a baseball."

"Have you shared all of these plans with Dad?"

"Not all of them but he won't mind."

"Uh huh; while we're on this topic; have you picked out a father for this grandchild; because I'm going to need some help providing it for your enjoyment," Kate replied.

Johanna scoffed. "Please; we both know who the father is going to be…and he'll be more than happy to help you provide it."

Kate smirked at her. "Really?"

"Yep; it's definitely who we both think it is…and there's nothing wrong with that. He's a good man; he adores you, he can give you a comfortable life."

"Okay; let's pretend for a minute that this scenario comes true…he can work from home…he'll probably want to keep the baby there with him."

Johanna shook her head. "No, he's not…he's going to work with you like always and write his books; the baby is staying with me."

"What if he's not on board with that?"

"I'll have a word with him when I pick up the baby," Johanna stated.

Kate tried to suppress a grin. "You know he has a mother too; she might want to babysit."

"She doesn't have time to babysit like I do; and besides; she already has a grandchild; she already got to do all the grandma things. I am watching the baby and that's final."

"I don't know…as the father; he'll have to agree to that."

"If he knows what's good for him; he will agree…if not; he will then have the mother-in-law from hell…and believe me, Elizabeth trained me well; he'll beg me to watch that baby just so he can get on my good side."

"Okay; I'm starting to think you have way too much time on your hands if you've thought of all this out so well," Kate remarked. "We're going to get you a hobby."

"I had one but you're insisting on going back to work," Johanna declared; "And I still say it's too soon to be ignoring the advice of your doctor."

"That's rich coming from the chief doctor hater of the family," Kate said. "In fact I'm pretty sure you once declared that you didn't need a doctor to diagnosis you with anything; you could do it yourself, go to Rite Aid and find a cure."

"That's completely different," Johanna replied; "That is when you're battling a cold or a sinus infection…car accidents can not be cured at Rite Aid…without a prescription."

"I'm fine, Mother…and you're going to be fine too."

"I can't promise you that," she murmured.

Kate sighed. "Look; we're going to get up in a few hours and go through the normal routine; we're going to eat breakfast together; you're going to walk me to the door and send me off to work. I'm going to be home at my normal time, barring any work related surprise; we'll eat dinner together and watch Temptation Lane just like we've been doing. Nothing is being lost, okay?"

"Yeah," Johanna answered; but there was still that part of her that was mourning the loss of the extra time they had been having together up until that point.

"Don't make this into some big thing," she stated. "You knew the day was coming. You're not losing anything…no matter what; I'm going to be around…are you going to be around?"

Johanna met her gaze. "I'm not going anywhere except home…I'm sure you know the way there."

Kate nodded. "I do…and once you're there; that first week at least you're not going to have time to miss me much."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you're going to be busy…knowing Dad and his hatred of laundry; he's probably starting to let it pile up in anticipation of you coming home to wash it for him…and the cupboards and refrigerator will probably be bare by then because he'll want you to go to the market because he hates that too. You're probably going to want to give the house a good cleaning; I go over every so often and do a good cleaning for him but I've never reached your lofty standards…and we know he doesn't hit your standards in the house cleaning department."

"You've been cleaning the house?" Johanna asked. "I figured he probably hired a cleaning lady to come in every so often and go over things good."

Kate shook her head. "No; he said no other woman was touching your house…so I've done it. He tries to pay me and we argue so then we settle on him buying me dinner and call it even. But the point is; he's going to be so ready to hand over the reins of the household to you again; he'll probably have the laundry baskets lined up and waiting for you in the basement and a menu he'd like to have prepared posted on the fridge."

Johanna nodded. "He's romantic like that."

"I'm sure he's got plans for you in that area too but I don't want to think about that."

Her mother gave her a small smile. "You don't know how happy I'll be to clean my house and do my husband's laundry."

"I can imagine…and you know me going back to work is a good thing for you too."

"How do you figure?"

"Because then you can concentrate on Dad; he's probably feeling a little neglected; you need to take care of him."

"I do my best to take care of him…but I'm still going to miss the time we had…I miss you."

"I'm not going anywhere except work."

"It's too soon."

"You only think that because you're thinking with your mommy brain instead of your normal brain."

Johanna smirked at her. "I'll have you know that both sides had a conference and they both agreed that another day or two wouldn't hurt."

"Yeah; well my brain said that your brain doesn't get to tell me what to do anymore," Kate remarked. "We're going to be fine…we'll have plenty of time together. Just…don't make it harder than it has to be."

"I'll do my best," Johanna whispered. "Go to bed; you need to sleep."

She acted without thought and leaned close to kiss her mother's cheek. "Goodnight…again."

"Goodnight," Johanna murmured as she watched her make the trek across the room once again. "You will be careful…won't you?" she couldn't help asking.

Kate paused; turning to face her once more. "I'll be careful; I promise."

"And if you start feeling bad, you'll come back home?"

A sigh crossed her lips. "Yeah; if I don't feel well; I'll come back home and turn myself over to you; okay?"

"Okay."

Kate studied her for a moment. "You're not going to cry in the morning are you?"

Johanna worried her bottom lip. "I'll try to hold it in until after you leave."

"Could you?"

Her mother nodded. "If you promise that going back to work isn't going to change things between us."

"I'm promise," she replied. "Nothing's going to change…we're in a better place and I want us to stay there as much as you do."

"Alright…I'll do my best not to cry before you leave."

"You don't need to cry at all…I'm coming home."

Tears filled her eyes. "I can't help worrying, Katie…I'm never not going to worry about you."

"I know; but you'll get used to it."

"More like I'll get used to the worry and you'll get used to me worrying," Johanna remarked.

Kate gave a nod. "Sounds like a good plan…I'm sure we'll discuss it when we do lunch sometime."

Johanna gave a disgusted sigh as she turned on to her side; sleepiness tugging at her. "Yeah; right after we discuss when you're going to provide me with that grandchild."

"On that note, I'm going to bed for real this time…try to sleep."

Johanna murmured words of assurance that she would try as she listened to Kate's footsteps fade away and the low volume of the television. She'd never get used to the worry or the fear…but at least she had a little hope of holding on to this new stage of her relationship with her daughter. Maybe they'd make it after all.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! _This chapter would take place in chapter 34 of Apologize.__

Chapter 5- Waiting for Stars to Align

The night after Johanna's anniversary celebration, Kate paused in the doorway of the guestroom and studied her mother as she sat on the foot of the bed. It hadn't escaped her notice that her mother's mood had been on a roller coaster all day. First there had been the panic attack when she had gone to pick her up but then her spirits had seemed to lift after some girl talk with Martha. That had only lasted long enough to get back to the apartment though, she mused. Once they were home, Johanna's mood had plummeted, despite doing her best to keep it masked. She hadn't been fooled though; she could see right through her, all she had to do was look into her eyes and see everything she didn't say. Jim's arrival in the early evening with takeout for dinner had lightened her mother's mood considerably…but then he had left to go back home, needing to get some work done for a meeting the next morning. His departure had brought about a quivering lower lip from his wife…and she had remained sullen for the rest of the evening until they had decided to retreat to their respective rooms for the night.

"Are you okay?" Kate murmured.

Johanna glanced up at her, the melancholy plain to see on her face as she toyed with her wedding rings. "I'm fine."

"You don't look like it."

Her mother gave her a half hearted smile. "I'll do better tomorrow."

Kate moved into the room and sat down beside her. "What's wrong?"

Johanna gave a soft shake of her head. "Nothing more than usual."

She eyed her with disbelief. "Do you except me to believe that?"

"It's the truth."

"I'm still finding it hard to believe," Kate remarked. "You've been all over the map today."

"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize…but you can tell me what it is that's bugging you."

"It's nothing different than usual, Katie."

That might be true but there was something more to it, Kate thought to herself. "Is there something wrong with your rings? You've been twisting them all night," she said with a nod at Johanna's left hand.

"No, there's nothing wrong with them; they still fit perfectly," Johanna said softly; her thumb rubbing against her gold wedding band. "It's been a long time since I've worn my wedding band…it feels good. I've always had a habit of playing with my rings."

"Usually it's the emerald one," Kate commented; "And usually it's only when something's bugging you."

"So I've been told," she quipped, forcing herself to stop toying with her wedding band and engagement ring.

"Your reluctance to tell me makes me think it has something to do with me," her daughter declared.

"It's not you, Katie. It's me."

"What about you?"

Johanna felt her throat grow tight and she cursed her daughter's knack for always wanting to talk at the exact moment when she didn't want to; when she'd be happy to keep her thoughts and feelings to herself. She had plenty of experience at keeping things locked up tightly inside…she'd spent all of her time in Wyoming doing that; and sometimes it was hard to remember how not to do it. She should be grateful that her daughter wanted to find out what was bothering her…but at the same time she feared upsetting her. It didn't feel like any good could come from the discussion and she wanted to make a tactical retreat and spare them both…but she had a feeling Katie wouldn't allow that.

"Hey," her daughter said, bumping her shoulder. "What is it?"

"I want to go home," she whispered.

Kate breathed deeply and did her best not to sigh as she exhaled. "I know; but at least I got you there for a night so far."

Johanna nodded and gave her a hint of a smile. "I appreciate it; I really do."

"But?"

She shook her head; not wanting to say the words; worried about the offense they could cause; worried about sounding ungrateful.

"Whatever it is; you can say it," Kate said softly.

"It wasn't enough," Johanna whispered. "One night just wasn't enough."

"There will be more," she told her. "One day it'll be permanent."

"Right now, I can only hope so," her mother replied; her fingers toying with her rings again before she noticed and jerked her hand back, curling her fingers inwards against her palm.

"You can play with your rings if you want," her daughter said quietly; "It doesn't bother anyone."

"I know…I'm just…out of sorts."

Kate nodded. "I picked a bad gift."

Johanna's head snapped upwards; her gaze finding her daughter's. "No; don't say that. It was the perfect gift…it was all I ever wanted; how could it be bad?"

"Because I think it made things worse for you," she answered. "When I came to pick you up, you had a panic attack at the thought of leaving and I never for a second considered how hard it would be for you to walk out that door and not know when you'd get back. You've already gone through that feeling once…and I brought it back to you."

"That feeling is always there, lurking in the back of my mind," her mother replied. "That isn't your fault; it's mine. When we got there yesterday evening, it never crossed my mind that leaving with you today would make me react as badly as I did. I'm sorry about that, Katie; I didn't mean to upset you."

Kate took her hand. "No; it's okay; panic attacks are beyond anyone's control; you can't predict when it's going to happen or what might trigger it. I wasn't upset with you for it…I was upset that you had to have that feeling…and it's not your fault. You didn't have any choice back then and this afternoon you didn't have any choice but to come with me and your brain translated that into the exact same thing you went through before and triggered the attack. It's nothing offensive. I've had them myself…probably everyone has at one time or another."

"I know…but it's still a little embarrassing to fall apart like that, especially after I had such a nice evening the night before."

"You don't need to be embarrassed; Dad and I understand why it happened. Have you ever had any before?"

Johanna gave a small nod. "Yeah; I had a lot of them when I first had to leave…they dwindled over the years but I still had one on occasion."

"When was the last time?"

Johanna raked her fingers through her hair and Kate didn't miss the slight tremble of her hand. "I had several of them after hearing about your shooting," she whispered. "My agent didn't always have an answer for me about your recovery process and not knowing if you were still alright and healing would trigger one."

Kate squeezed her hand. "I spent my recovery at the cabin…I was off the grid a lot for those months."

"Yeah; I know…and I don't blame you for that but not knowing was incredibly frustrating," her mother admitted. "You don't know how many times I was ready to book a flight to come find you."

"What made you wait until now?" Kate couldn't help asking.

"I knew that the shooter hadn't been caught…and I was afraid that if I came too soon; they'd come after you again. I was afraid that if you were still weak and recovering that the shock would be too much for you…too much for your father in the wake of what happened to you. I wanted to come running the second I saw it on the news; and I threatened my agent that I would if I didn't get answers when I called after seeing that news report. Every time I called he'd warn me not to come home…he told me there was nothing I could do but make things worse. So I gave you time to get better…and me time to get myself back together…or at least somewhat back together because I have been an incredible mess for years now…you might think I'm a mess now; but believe me this is the improved version of the mess I've been for the last thirteen years but I digress; and then I decided it was time to come home and make this stop," she murmured; leaving out that she felt like the F.B.I. hadn't upheld the deal she had made with them; they hadn't kept Kate safe…so she, therefore, was under no obligation to stay under their thumb.

She wasn't sure what to say in response to her mother's admission; it was an area they seemed to tip toe around for the most part. "Did you have any panic attacks when you decided to come home?" she asked quietly; deciding to ignore the elephant in the room that her mother's comments had brought.

"No…I was nervous but I didn't have any panic attacks…it was strange; because despite the nerves, I just had this sense of calmness about it…I just…I don't know; it's hard to explain."

"Have you had any since being home that I don't know about?"

"No; today was the first one in awhile…I promise; I told you I wouldn't keep health things from you, remember?"

Kate nodded. "I remember."

Johanna glanced at her and then her gaze strayed toward the small soft white rug on the floor at the foot of the bed. "I am sorry that you had to see it though."

"It's okay; it doesn't mean I look at you any differently."

A hint of a wry smile touched her mother's lips. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Kate allowed a small laugh to cross her lips. "I was under the impression that it was a good thing."

"Just checking."

She squeezed her mother's hand once more. "I'm sorry that your gift ended up being a good thing and a bad thing wrapped up in one."

"It's not a bad thing, Katie…it's just hard to get back into this bed tonight after finally being allowed to sleep in my own bed last night. I got to go to sleep with my husband and I woke up with him…in our bed, in our home…and yes, on one hand it satisfied a longing, but on the other it increased it but that's no fault of yours."

"I can't help feeling like it is."

"Well don't," Johanna replied as she patted her knee. "If we must blame someone; we'll blame your father…it probably wouldn't bother me so much tonight if he had stayed…as long as he's with me, anywhere can be home."

Kate gave her a small smile. "It's definitely Dad's fault."

"It is," she agreed. "He could've gone to his meeting from here."

"You're right, he could have…he could've done his work at the kitchen table while we watched TV."

"Exactly…this is totally his fault."

The younger woman laughed softly. "How dare him after all we went through to give him a nice anniversary?"

"I know, right?" Johanna said. "I mean let's think about it; what exactly did he have to do in all this besides pick up dinner? You arranged everything and I had to buy a new dress, be whisked around in secrecy and kept in the dark until the last minute…he got the privilege of knowing and of not doing much at all," she jested.

Kate nodded. "Just like a man; you told me they were like this."

"See, I didn't lie," she giggled.

"No; you didn't…you didn't lie about a lot of things you told me about them," she admitted. "But you're right; he did get to set back and have it all brought to him…and what do we have to show for it?"

"Take out and a Tiffany necklace," Johanna replied; her fingers brushing against the diamond heart pendant that her husband had given her the night before.

"Yeah; that's true…we were fed and you got a necklace that I'm pretty sure costs more than my rent…and by that I mean a few months worth of rent."

"He was extravagant," her mother agreed; "But I do love this necklace."

Kate eyed her. "How could you not love a diamond encrusted necklace from Tiffany's…that he picked out all on his own with no last minute input."

"We're going to have to keep him," Johanna declared. "I do love him, you know."

"Oh I know…I'm pretty fond of him myself."

Johanna nodded. "I know. I do wish he had stayed tonight…it would've made it easier."

"Maybe he'll stay tomorrow," Kate murmured. "I'm sure you won't have a long wait; no matter the case."

"I can't help wondering though…"

"Wondering what?"

"If it's like this for me tonight; is it the same way for him?"

"You know that he misses you anytime he isn't here. He doesn't stay all the time so he doesn't draw any suspicion if any of the family or his friends are paying attention to his comings and goings."

"I know…I think sometimes he also doesn't stay so we can have time together, just the two of us."

"Yeah; I can see that too."

"Some nights are just harder than others," Johanna said softly; "Especially when one night you have so much and then the next night you have so little."

"I get that," her daughter answered; "But it's going to be okay; you'll get back there again, I promise. It's going to be soon."

Johanna offered her a smile. "Well, don't take this the wrong way; but it's never going to be soon enough."

"I know," Kate assured; giving her a smile of her own. "But it's the best we can do at the moment."

"You'll have to forgive my impatience at times, Katie."

"I will; as long as you forgive mine."

"I do," her mother said sincerely.

"Anything else on your mind?"

"No; just the usual suspect," Johanna remarked, absentmindedly toying with her wedding rings again. "It just kind of reminds me of when we were dating."

"How so?"

She shrugged a little. "Well, some nights we were together and some nights we weren't. He usually stayed with me on Wednesdays and we'd stay together on the weekends; we'd switch off whose place we'd stay at it…and after a few months; we were adding days at times because it just wasn't enough. It took me a long time to get him to date me," Johanna remarked; her gaze falling to her rings; "But it only took him six months to propose."

"Seems kind of fast," Kate commented; "All things considered about his initial reluctance to commitment."

Her mother nodded. "It surprised me too…I had resigned myself to being a long term girlfriend."

She smiled. "I would've liked to have seen the look on your face when he proposed."

Johanna laughed softly. "I'm sure it was a Kodak moment…he had to repeat himself…I thought I wasn't hearing him right."

Kate laughed. "You didn't make it easy on him, did you?"

She shook her head. "I guess not, I did get a little tongue tied…but it wasn't intentional; I was just in shock."

"I'm sure he understood…after all, he did marry you."

"Yeah, he did," Johanna replied; her thumb rubbing against the smooth gold band on her finger. "It's so good to see this ring back on my finger…to feel like a legitimate wife again in some respects…but it's also a reminder that I am a wife who is still without her husband in a some ways."

"It won't be like this forever," Kate murmured. "You'll be home again soon."

Her mother breathed deeply. "Until then, I have to stop being selfish and be grateful for what I have; it's enough…for now."

Her daughter smiled. "Neither one of us is going to believe that so you may as well just admit it when you want to.

"I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful…because I'm not. I am incredibly grateful for everything that you do for me, Katie."

"I know; I wouldn't think otherwise…but I get it; you've been away from Dad for a long time and now you're here and can see him and sometimes it isn't enough because it isn't the way it's supposed to be yet."

Johanna gave a slight nod of agreement. "Yeah…some days are easier to deal with than others."

"That's the truth," Kate replied. "It kind of seems like we're always waiting for stars to align just right in one way or another, doesn't it?"

"It does," her mother agreed. "And it always takes longer than we planned on."

"What do we do about that?"

"Same thing we always do," Johanna replied; "Keep waiting."

"We need to invent something to speed up that process."

Her mother smiled. "Yeah; we need an app for that."

Kate laughed. "We could be millionaires overnight if we could invent an app for that."

"That would be nice…if it solved all of our problems," Johanna said; a touch of lightness coming back to her eyes.

"True," Kate replied; the rest of the words she had planned to say being swallowed as Johanna's phone chimed on the bed beside her. "I bet that's Dad."

Johanna picked up her phone to check the message that had arrived. "It is."

"Everything okay?" she asked out of habit.

Her mother smiled softly as she nodded. "He misses me."

"I told you so," Kate quipped.

"That's my line."

"I'm borrowing it tonight," she replied. "I bet his ears were probably burning; he probably knew we were talking about him."

"Most likely," Johanna said with a short laugh as she tapped out a response.

Kate wrapped an arm around her in a hug and kissed her cheek. "I'll leave you two alone; goodnight."

"Goodnight, Katie," Johanna murmured as she returned the embrace. "Thank you for my gift."

"No problem," she replied as she got up from the bed. "We'll work on aligning the stars next."

Her mother met her gaze and smiled. "I'm sure we can if we just put our minds to it."

Kate nodded. "We'll get it figured out…Beckett women get the job done."

"Always," Johanna agreed. "It might take us a little while to work out the bugs; but we always get the job done."

Her daughter gave her one more smile and murmured goodnight once more as she headed for the door. The phone chimed in her hand again and Johanna got up to round the bed and settle in on her side for a bedtime chat with her husband…it wasn't perfect; the stars weren't fully aligned…but for now it was enough.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter would fit near the end of chapter 36 of Apologize, during the first night back in Kate's apartment after the shooting incident; Castle had decided to stay with them that evening._

Chapter 6- Checking In

"We should probably call it a night," Castle remarked as he glanced at his watch and noticed that it was nearly midnight.

"Yeah; we should; we have to work tomorrow," Kate said with a sigh; wishing that tomorrow's work would bring her a much needed lead.

Castle's hand fell to the small of her back as they rose from the sofa. "Maybe tomorrow will bring us good news."

"That would be nice," she said as they crossed the room and headed for the hallway without another word.

Kate paused as she neared the closed guest room door, seeing the shaft of light shining beneath it. "I'm going to check in on her," she murmured as she caught Castle's gaze; "Make sure she's alright and settled."

"Take your time," he replied warmly. "She did make herself scarce all evening despite her assurances that she wasn't bothered by you having a guest."

She smiled as she brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face. "She's like that."

"Something that can't be said about my mother," Castle quipped quietly. "She would've sat right down and dominated the evening."

Knowing Martha, that was a possibility, Kate thought as her hand landed on the doorknob. "I'll only be a few minutes."

"It's fine," he said, a teasing smile on his lips. "We knew going into this relationship that we both have mothers who need attention."

She stifled a laugh; a grin sliding across her lips instead. "I can't deny that."

He brushed a kiss against her cheek and continued on to her room, slipping inside as she knocked softly on the opposite door. Her mother didn't answer and concern rippled inside her, leading her to twist the knob and push the door open, her head poking inside to make sure she was in there. To her relief, her mother was present, curled up on her side on top of the covers, asleep, her phone clutched in her hand, her laptop sitting next to her on the bed, angled so that it was facing her as Mary Tyler Moore played on the screen.

Kate's brow furrowed as she stepped inside the room and caught sight of the slim DVD case containing the first season of Mary Tyler Moore lying at the foot of the bed. Where the hell had that come from? She wondered; her gaze also catching sight of another case containing a season of the show Reba. Kate rolled her eyes; she didn't know what her mother saw in that show; it wasn't her cup of tea; that was for sure. There were better sitcoms out there; more critically acclaimed ones, like Friends and Seinfeld…and yet her mother preferred Reba McEntire's foray into the sitcom world. She smiled a little; perhaps she shouldn't be so surprised after all. Those critically acclaimed shows she had thought of had never held her mother's attention; they had always garnered eye rolls and slight sighs of suffering whenever she was subjected to an episode. A soft breath crossed her lips as she studied her mother; she'd gladly buy her the whole series of Reba if it meant it brought her an ounce of comfort and relief from their latest turmoil.

She moved further into the room, lifting the laptop from the bed and setting it on the nightstand; searching the room for the power cord to plug it in so the battery wouldn't die overnight. She wouldn't dare turn off the DVD that was playing; sure that it was some kind of sacrilege in her mother's world to turn off a disc of Mary Tyler Moore episodes before it was over. After settling the laptop; Kate noticed Johanna's reading glasses lying beside her and saw an accident waiting to happen. She plucked them off the comforter and put them on the nightstand; with things seemingly being amped up, they couldn't afford any trips to the eye doctor for a pair of replacement eye glasses. She grabbed the DVD case off the bed as well; laying it on the nightstand with the other show and then moved to the closet and pulled down the sky blue throw that her mother had taken from the linen closet weeks before.

Kate laid the blanket aside and reached for the phone that was clutched in Johanna's hand. She figured it would be easy to extract from her grip; her fingers curling around it and tugging gently, but Johanna's hand tightened around the device, her body jerking into alertness as her eyes flicked open.

"Katie, what are you doing?" she asked; her voice thick with sleep.

"I was going to put your phone on the nightstand," she answered.

Johanna glanced at the empty spot next to her as she tried to shake off the cobwebs. "Where's my laptop?"

"On the other stand," she remarked; pointing at the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed, the show still playing on the screen, the volume soft but discernable.

"What time is it?" her mother asked; raking her fingers through her hair; the phone still clutched tightly in her opposite hand.

"Midnight," Kate answered. "Have you taken up sleeping with the phone?"

"Yes; sometimes I do sleep with it…just in case," her mother replied. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"I'm headed there; I came in to see if you were alright…I haven't seen much of you this evening."

"I'm fine," Johanna answered; shifting a bit as she woke up her phone, clearly looking for new messages before her gaze returned to her daughter who was currently settling down on the edge of the bed. "Something on your mind, Katie?"

She shook her head. "Not really…but you didn't have to hide in here all evening, you know?"

"I wasn't hiding."

Kate's brow rose. "You weren't?"

"No."

"Seemed like it to us," she replied. "You told Rick that you didn't mind if he was here…"

"I don't mind," Johanna interrupted.

"If that was true; you might have been a little more sociable," her daughter suggested.

"I ate dinner with the two of you…in fact; I cooked it."

"I know; and it was very good…but after you washed the dishes; you took your glass of soda and headed for this room and you barely came out. That doesn't give people the impression that you're comfortable."

"I'm as comfortable as it gets, Katie. I didn't stay in the room with you all night because I wanted to give you your privacy. I didn't want to be a third wheel."

"Why not; I'm a third wheel every time Dad is here," she remarked. "You get used to it."

"You are not a third wheel when your father is here."

"Trust me, I am…you two don't see it because you get so wrapped up in each other."

"You exaggerate; but regardless, I just wanted to give the two of you privacy. I didn't want to be involved in your conversations or make you feel like I had to be included. This is your home, he's your boyfriend; you don't need a chaperone…believe me, having a chaperone is no fun…I did have to take you to the movies with me when my husband wanted to take me on a date."

Kate smirked at her in amusement. "What are you saying; I cramped your style?"

"In ways you can't begin to imagine," Johanna replied. "Our dates weren't usually so limited…and they never ended that early."

"I did stay outside in the hallway while he kissed you goodnight," she said with a laugh.

"If you think for a minute that your knock on the door didn't interrupt that, you are sadly mistaken."

"My deepest apologies; I didn't realize you required more than five minutes to kiss someone goodnight."

Johanna smirked at her. "We like to make sure it's done right."

Kate rolled her eyes, an amused smile clinging to her lips. "Where did the DVDs come from?"

"They're a present from my husband; he wants to make sure I always have entertainment when he's not around to amuse me."

"Was he amusing you tonight? Is that why you have a death grip on the phone?"

"Yes," she answered. "We were texting but then he got a phone call…and I guess I fell asleep waiting on him to come back."

A tingle of worry gnawed in her gut. "Did he say who was calling?"

"He said it was Jeff," Johanna replied; catching sight of the worry in her daughter's eyes. "He texted a few minutes ago; probably right before you came in but it didn't wake me…I have it turned down so it wouldn't disturb you and Rick."

The knot in her stomach eased and she nodded. "Your phone doesn't chime all that loud; I doubt it would bother us."

"I always turn it down at night, Katie…sometimes we message each other until one or two in the morning."

"I know you do," she replied. "But we were talking about your absence this evening."

Before Johanna could speak, her phone began to buzz in her hand and she hurriedly answered the call. "What the hell took you so long?" she asked instead of saying hello.

Kate shook her head, her worry eased even more as she was positive it was her father on the other end of the line.

"I did wait for you, I waited a half hour!" Johanna exclaimed in a hushed voice. "I can't help it you and Jeff have to shoot the breeze for so long. I fell asleep!"

Kate's ears strained to hear her father; and while she could make out the tone of his voice, she couldn't quite decipher his words.

"Well you're not here, so that point is moot," her mother replied. "Blame Jeff; he's always interrupting at inopportune moments."

She laughed softly; wondering if she should slip out the door and let their conversation be forgotten but she couldn't seem to move from the spot; eavesdropping when she knew she shouldn't be.

"I did wait for you that night!" Johanna declared. "It's not my fault I fell asleep because it took you so long to bail him out."

Suddenly Kate was regretting her decision to stay as her eyes met her mother's…and her mother glanced away, a blush tingeing her cheeks. "Katie's in the room," she said abruptly; cutting off whatever Jim was saying on the other end of the line. "Yeah, it is past her bedtime but she's past that punishable age."

Kate glared at her playfully but stayed silent. "Can I call you back?" Johanna asked. "I love you too. I'll only be a few minutes."

Johanna ended her call and laid the phone down beside her. "Okay; where were we?"

"Your avoidance of socializing tonight," Kate answered. "But I have to admit that I'm intrigued by the you waited but fell asleep while Jeff was being bailed out of jail remark…do you want to tell me that story? Is this the Atlantic City secret?"

"Yeah, it is," her mother replied; "And you don't want this story."

"I kind of do," she said with a nod. "I'll regret it later but at least the mystery will be solved…because I don't believe that nothing happened."

"Nothing happened," Johanna stated; "At least not to the extent that you think it did."

Her brow rose as she regarded her. "Oh? There's an 'extent'."

Her mother blushed. "Katie."

"What?" she laughed. "It's not my fault that this story keeps getting brought up…it seems to have been a turning point in your epic saga…in fact I'm sure you declared it as a turning point not too long ago."

"It was."

"Okay then, tell me how the point got turned."

"We were in Atlantic City and things got heated," Johanna replied.

"Yeah; I figured that much out on my own; but what caused that?"

Her mother shrugged. "Probably the bikini…and I did tease him a little…I made him rub suntan lotion on me."

Kate tsked. "So you were being a tease as he said."

"Only a little," she retorted. "He started the rest."

"The rest of what?" she laughed.

Johanna sighed. "He kissed me later that night."

"And?"

"And…well…"

"Must be good," Kate laughed; "You're blushing again."

Her mother glared at her. "There was an unspoken invitation to accompany him to his hotel room, okay?"

"It was unspoken but you got the message loud and clear, huh?"

"Shut up."

She couldn't help but laugh. "And you took him up on the invitation?"

"Obviously!" Johanna replied; "But it doesn't matter; it didn't go where we intended."

"Not at all?" she asked; mischief gleaming in her eyes.

"I didn't say that."

"Oh so it did go somewhere?"

"It started to…."

"Uh huh; it went there; you're not fooling me."

"It did not!" Johanna exclaimed. "It didn't happen…it was going to happen, there's no denying that but then the phone rang, the moment was gone. He told me to wait for him…which I did; but bailing out Jeff took longer than anyone expected and I was asleep when he got back."

"Wow," Kate said; "You tease him, let him start to get somewhere and then you fall asleep on him. That's rude, Mother."

Johanna gently shoved her foot against Kate's hip. "It wasn't like that at all! I had no intentions of backing out…it was all Jeff's fault. Jeff has incredibly bad timing…just like you when you were a baby…you've interrupted plenty. Now you've had your bedtime story; go away…you're being rude to your guest by being camped out in here."

She laughed. "Well you've done it all night."

"That's different…I was viewing this like a hotel; I was staying in my room and not bothering the other guests. I have my DVDs and books and my husband via phone; I was content."

"That may be but I think Castle thinks you're still mad at him."

Johanna sighed. "I told him I'm not mad; I told him it was fine…what more do I have to do; write it in blood?"

"No; you just have to go back to acting like yourself around him."

"I thought I was."

"It hasn't been as convincing as you might think," Kate remarked.

"It's hard to be yourself when you've got so much on your mind…does anybody take that into consideration? It's not like I'm on vacation here."

"I know; I'm just saying that we felt like you were hiding out tonight and there was no need for you to do that."

Johanna held her gaze. "Katie; don't take this the wrong way…"

"Here we go," she muttered.

She shoved her hip once more. "Stop it; it's nothing like you're probably thinking. I was just going to say, did it ever occur to you that maybe knowing that he was here with you meant that I could have some time to myself? Do either one of you ever think that maybe I just need some alone time and that I can have that when you two are occupied with each other? I can just talk to my husband on the phone and not worry about if I'm ignoring anyone or watch what I'm saying because it might be some comment that you don't want to hear or that I don't want to explain. I can read or look around online…just have some time to myself. Sometimes I can distract my thoughts from the things I want to forget if I don't have to worry about others for a few minutes."

Kate wasn't sure that she completely believed that was all there was to it but she didn't want to drag this out; she didn't want to step on her toes and provoke a fight when they had more than enough to worry about. "Okay…I get that; you don't really have any alone time and you probably do need some space at times. We all have that need."

"That's right, we do," Johanna said with a nod. "It's nothing personal, Katie. It's nothing against you or Rick…I just figured I could give you two some privacy and I could have some time to myself. I didn't mean it to appear otherwise and I'm sorry if it did; it wasn't my intention."

"I understand that," she replied as she got up from the bed; "And I will reassure Castle that you're not harboring ill will."

"I'm not; I have a list of people I'm harboring ill will against but he isn't on it, I promise."

Kate smiled. "Alright; I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay."

"I'm better now that we're back here," Johanna admitted. "It's as close to home as I can get. I'm comfortable here."

"Good; I'm glad to hear that…I know you weren't comfortable with our prolonged stay at Castle's and I do want you to be comfortable here."

"I am," she assured. "If I can't be at home with my husband; then I want to be with my daughter in her home…because she doesn't mind if I take over her kitchen and clean her dust."

Kate gave a soft short laugh. "I don't expect you to be my maid and cook but I don't mind if that's what makes you happy."

"It does make me happy…it makes me feel like a mother."

"You are a mother," she replied. "You're my mother."

"And I'm so very glad for it," Johanna stated. "I love you."

"I love you too," Kate told her, moving closer for a makeshift hug as she leaned down; accepting her mother's kiss against her cheek without complaint. "If you need me…"

"I'll call if I need you," her mother replied.

Her daughter gave her a puzzled look. "You'll call when I'm just across the hallway?"

"I'm not going near your room when there's a man in it," Johanna replied. "I'm not a prude; I don't care if you spend the night with your boyfriend but…there are just some things I can't do. If you were married it might be different but you're not and that sounds terrible but it is what it is."

Kate held up a hand. "I understand completely…there are things I can't do too…believe me."

"I do," she said; "I believe you…they're probably the same things I can't do."

"Those damn genetics again," her daughter quipped.

"Yeah…but it's probably not such a bad thing."

"No; not at all. Call Dad back before he goes to sleep," Kate replied. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Katie…and make sure you tell Rick that I am not mad at him."

"I'll tell him," she assured; smiling a little as her mother was already touching the screen of her phone to call her husband back. "Do you want me to put that blanket back that I got out or do you want it in case you get cold?"

"I'll hang on to it," Johanna told her; "And by the way; your father sent his love."

She smiled. "Tell him I love him; I'll see him in the morning," she said before leaving the room and pulling the door shut behind her.

Kate crossed the hallway and entered her own room, closing the door as she stepped inside. "Is she okay?" Castle asked from his place in her bed.

"Yeah; she's got Dad on the phone and Mary Tyler Moore DVD's for her laptop; she's good for the night," she replied as she slipped into bed beside him. "And she told me to once again tell you that she's not mad at you and that she's fine with you being here."

"Then why was she hiding from us?" he asked, his arm wrapping around her as she settled against his side.

"She was giving us privacy and having a little time to herself," she answered. "No big deal…and besides; if she and Dad have been on the phone all night, they're in their bubble and we don't want to be anywhere near it. It's best to just let that be…that's when she's happiest."

"Understood," Castle replied. "As long as we're all good now…no leftover anger."

"No one's angry, Castle," Kate told him. "She's fine; like I said; she was just giving us space and taking some space for herself."

"That space thing must be hereditary," he commented.

"Yeah…on both sides of the family," she admitted; "But we come back better from it so don't look at it as a bad thing."

"I won't," he promised. "But you Beckett women are hard to figure out sometimes."

"We like it that way…you can't change it," Kate replied as she kissed him.

Castle smiled. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Good; because if you did; we'd have a problem."

He chuckled softly. "There's no denying that…and there's no denying something else either."

"What's that?"

"You are your mother's daughter; it's so easy to see."

Kate smiled as she nodded. "Yeah; I am…there's no changing that either."


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter would fit in chapter 25 of Apologize, the evening after Kate's nightmare that caused her to stay home from work.. This one is for CwardPm1 who suggested it; I hope it lives up to expectations!_

Chapter 7- A Tale of Two Doctors

That evening once they were alone and settled on the couch for their nightly routine of television watching and unwinding with a glass of wine, Johanna decided to be brave. Or at least she was hopeful that being somewhat brave in her choice of conversation would work out okay; her daughter had been chatty; obviously not wanting silence for long as she tried to forget whatever had scared her so badly in her nightmare the night before. She took a breath and decided to wade into the chosen waters that her mind had settled upon.

"So; you dated a doctor," Johanna stated lightly.

Kate glanced at her and nodded. "Yeah, I did."

"A heart surgeon, I believe you mentioned."

"That's right," she replied; unsure if she really wanted to go down this road but she figured it was better than dwelling on the nightmare from the night before.

"What was his name?"

"Josh…Josh Davidson."

Johanna took a sip of wine and nudged the conversation along a little further. "Where did you find him?"

Kate's gaze flicked to her mother's face. "In a bar."

"Uh huh…I'm starting to see why he wasn't introduced as my son-in-law. Relationships that begin in barrooms rarely ever last."

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right about that."

Johanna smiled. "Katherine Davidson would've been too stuffy of a name anyway."

The corner of her mouth tipped upwards in a small smile. "To be completely honest; I never even considered that name change as a possibility."

"Oh? Why not?"

Kate swirled the wine in her glass and frowned. "I didn't love him…I tried to; I told myself that I wanted to love him…but it just wasn't there."

Her mother nodded. "I see. Did he love you?"

She took a long sip of her wine. "He said he did."

"You didn't believe him?"

"No…I think he believed he did; I think he liked the idea of it…but I don't think he really did."

Johanna met her gaze. "I have the feeling this relationship was doomed from the start."

"It was," Kate agreed; "But I think that's what I liked about it in the beginning."

Curiosity flicked across her mother's face. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Easier to keep one foot out the door that way. I guess I just wasn't ready for anything really serious…I didn't want to be tied down and disposable relationships seemed like a nice thing for a long time."

Her mother smiled and reached over to pat her knee. "See, you are like your daddy; just like I always said."

She gave a soft, short laugh. "I guess his gene pool had to sneak in somewhere."

"Apparently so," Johanna quipped. "So what was it that made it easy to keep one foot out the door with your doctor?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "He travels a lot."

"A traveling doctor?"

"Yeah; he does a lot of work with Doctors Without Borders. He's always off somewhere…and at first I liked that, because I don't like to be smothered by someone."

"But then you didn't like it so much?"

"Yeah…it kind of got annoying; it was like that was the only thing that mattered to him; when he'd be taking off next and when he'd come back it was all about all the things he did, all of this 'I save the world' bravado in some ways; and I know that sounds terrible to say because he is making a difference…"

"But it came off as bragging?" Johanna supplied.

"Yeah," Kate sighed. "I sound terrible, don't I?"

"No; I've felt that way about people before; they talk so much about themselves, build themselves and their accomplishments up so much that it doesn't leave much room for others; not to mention making other people feel inferior."

"That's the truth," she muttered. "Don't get me wrong; he's a great doctor…it's just a little too much. Looking back it's like I plucked him off some soapy doctor show like Grey's Anatomy."

Johanna laughed. "Did he have a nickname like McDreamy?"

Kate chuckled. "Castle always called him Doctor Motorcycle Boy."

"Motorcycle?"

"Yeah; he rides a motorcycle."

"Oh for God's sake, Katie; not another guy on a motorcycle," her mother declared with a disgusted sigh.

Kate eyed her. "He's only the second guy I've dated that had a motorcycle."

"The first one was more than enough," Johanna remarked. "What was his name…Tyler? Or has your father called him, Big Bad Baby Face…18 and still in the 10th grade."

"He wasn't that bad," Kate replied.

"He was an ass."

"I was 16," her daughter defended; "I thought he was cool."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, he was real cool with his motorcycle and cigarette."

"Don't forget his band," Kate replied; "He was in a band too."

"Oh yes; let's not forget that…the little jerk."

"Mother!"

"Well he was! I didn't think you were ever going to come to your senses about that one. You don't know the misery that experience of your life was for me."

"How was it a miserable experience for you?" Kate asked in disbelief.

"Because I had lay in bed every night listening to your father think up new ways to kill him…his favorite was getting out the shot gun and blowing him off his little bike; and after he'd fantasize about that; he'd discuss the different convent schools he had brochures for that he'd like to send you to. On really bad nights, I had to listen to the griping, the complaining, the instance that I make you stop seeing that little jackass. It was seven months of misery, Katie; believe me."

"Why didn't you try to stop me?" she inquired.

"Because I wasn't a fool," Johanna replied. "I knew if I tried to make you stop seeing him that it would just make him all that more appealing to you…and your father was accomplishing enough of that on his own, despite my advice to him. I had to act like I didn't mind too much; and believe me, I did mind a lot; but I knew better…if I had even for a second forbidden you to see him, you would've just snuck around to do it and if you had to date him, I'd rather you do it in full view of the world."

She nodded. "You always were one step ahead of me."

"Yeah; well, I was a former teenage girl myself, you know?"

"I saw Tyler several years ago when I first started on the force."

"Did you arrest him?" Johanna asked hopefully.

"No; I arrested his girlfriend…she shot him."

"Fatally!?"

"No; in the hand…she said she was aiming for…elsewhere…but he blocked himself at the last second and she got his hand instead."

Johanna laughed. "Let me guess, she caught him cheating."

"You got it."

"Did you tell your father? Because he would've loved that."

"No; I didn't tell him."

"You should; it would make his day."

Kate laughed. "Maybe I'll save it for a day when he needs cheering up."

"Good idea; now, getting back to the doctor on the motorcycle…and for the love of God, Katie; if it's a man in a bar who rides a motorcycle; just walk away, it's not the one for you."

She couldn't help but giggle. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that," Johanna said before taking a sip of wine. "Now, the good doctor was always jetting off and it got annoying…anything else?"

Kate squirmed a little. "He didn't like Castle; didn't like me working with him."

"Did he give a reason for that?"

"If I recall correctly; he said that I shouldn't be saddled with a clownish writer because all he was going to accomplish was making me infamous with his books and most likely getting me killed with his lack of experience in my field. He said I should get rid of him; I'd never get anywhere that I should in the department with Castle hanging on to my coattails."

Johanna's brow rose. "And what did you say to that?"

"I told him that he could go hop another plane straight to hell because he didn't know anything about Castle or our partnership."

"Is that how the relationship ended?"

"No; he stuck around after that…we just tried not to discuss Castle. When we did it always ended up in an argument."

"I can see why," she replied. "And you were already annoyed with him anyway; with his frequent travels?"

"Yeah; he was never there when I needed someone; he was always in Africa or South America…everyone else was always more important than me. I didn't feel like he was supportive of my career…sometimes he'd make comments about how I could be doing more for the world."

"How does he figure?" Johanna interrupted. "You're out there removing as much danger from the world as you can."

"I guess he didn't see it that way."

"Then he never understood you at all…and clearly had no desire to."

"My thoughts exactly," Kate replied. "I don't think he was interested in a real partnership type of relationship…you know, like you and Dad; the two of you, you were and are always in everything together; and I think Josh was of the notion that he would be the dominant party and what he wanted came first and his beliefs mattered more and so on. We argued once about him going away some much and he came back…for a whole three days and then he picked up and went back. I guess he thought that would assuage any ill will toward it that I had. I don't know…I guess he didn't get me and I didn't get him."

"How long did it last?"

Kate blew out a breath. "I think it was a little short of a year…I don't know; maybe about ten months?"

"Sounds like a long ten months or so."

"Yeah; it felt longer than it was."

"It's easy to see that Rick wasn't a fan of him," Johanna commented.

Kate nodded. "Castle wasn't a fan of him at all."

"I can't imagine why, can you?" her mother asked wryly as her eyes met her daughter's.

A blush tinged her cheeks. "Mother," she muttered.

Johanna laughed softly but didn't press further on that remark. "What did you think of Rick's disapproval?"

"I didn't think he had any right to judge considering that he was hooked up with his ex-wife at the time," she declared honestly.

"Which one…the blonde one?" her mother asked. "I remember reading about him dating his ex-wife; it was the blonde one I read about…her name escapes me at the moment."

"Gina," Kate supplied. "She's the blonde…she's the one he was with at the time."

The pieces were coming together, Johanna thought to herself. "Was he with her before or after you found the traveling motorcycle doctor?"

"Before."

"Oh," Johanna said; her tone suggesting that she was drawing a conclusion.

Kate cut her gaze toward her. "I did not hook up with Josh to get even."

"Of course you didn't," her mother replied. "You'd never do that."

"Mhmm; tell that to your face."

"I'll look in the other direction until the look fades," Johanna quipped.

"You're nice like that."

"I always do my best for you, sweetheart," her mother declared. "Anyway; Rick was with the blonde…which I don't understand at all…they don't even look right together."

Kate's turned toward her. "Oh my God, you see it too?!" she exclaimed.

Johanna nodded. "How can anyone not see it? I mean look at a picture of them together…it's just not right. She looks much too severe for him…and why on earth would he want to be mixed up with someone at his publishing company…she looks and sounds, from what I've read, like the vindictive sort that would hold any relationship they had previously over his head to get what she wants in the professional sense."

"Rumor has it that she's a real bitch," Kate remarked. "You would've thought that after the divorce he would've found a different person to work with in the company…and yet he sticks with her and complains about it."

"You're right; you would've thought that the work relationship would end too; but then on the other hand; who goes out and dates a woman that he already divorced? Didn't he learn the first time around?"

"Thank you," Kate said, clicking her glass against her mother's.

"For what?"

"For letting me know that I am not the only person who thought that exact same thing!"

Johanna laughed softly. "You're very welcome; any time you need a second opinion on these matters, you just let me know."

"I will," she replied; "It was a bit mind boggling, you know…I kept my opinions to myself but I couldn't help thinking, 'why the hell would you date your ex-wife?' that's just so ridiculous…but then again, he has a past history of screwing Meredith anytime she's in town so really I shouldn't be surprised."

"Seriously?!" her mother exclaimed. "The first wife too? The one who basically abandoned their child?"

"Yeah; that's the one."

"What the hell is wrong with him?"

"Beats the hell out of me…I thought about sending an anonymous note to Doctor Phil a few years ago to see if maybe he could figure it out but then I figured that Dr Phil doesn't have enough time for that."

Johanna laughed. "That would probably take a couple shows."

"Most likely; but Meredith hasn't been in town in a couple years. Alexis went to her for their last visit."

"Men," Johanna muttered.

"Yeah…they're not very picky at times."

"No, they aren't; if they can have it for free and with little effort, they'll go for it."

"That's the truth," she muttered.

Johanna took a sip of her drink. "Did your father meet the doctor?"

Kate laughed. "Yeah, he met him."

"The laughter means it's now necessary for me to hear this tale," Johanna remarked.

"I was off one weekend and Josh was in town; he wanted me to go to lunch with him and I told him I already had plans to meet Dad for lunch…and he invited himself along."

"Oh my; if there's one thing your father hates, it's an unexpected guest when he plans on having someone to himself."

Her daughter nodded. "It was easy for me to see that he wasn't too thrilled about the unexpected guest…it was the first time Dad and I had been able to meet up for lunch in awhile; he had been busy wrapping up his cases and I had been busy with work so he wasn't too happy about Josh tagging along but he did his best to act like he wasn't bothered."

"How did it go?"

"Not too good; they have extremely different personalities and no common interests. Josh hates baseball…"

"Strike one," Johanna quipped.

"Mhmm," Kate murmured; "And Josh talked about himself a lot…you know, that bragging about all of his good deeds across the world."

"Strike two; your father hates a bragger."

"Oh I know; when I first told him I was seeing a guy who was a doctor, Dad said 'Don't date a doctor, Katie; they're egotistical jackasses'."

Her mother laughed. "He never learns that those opinions only make it more appealing."

"I told him Josh wasn't like that…because at the time I didn't realize that he was indeed like that. Anyway; Dad did try really hard to find some common ground but there just wasn't any and I could tell that Josh rubbed him the wrong way with a lot of his comments. He ended up getting called to the hospital in the middle of lunch and it was a relief, to say the least…but Dad seemed to take offense to the blasé way that Josh took off without much feeling toward me…he had to go, he was on call, but Dad said he could've been more caring toward me…could've promised to call or to meet later and he just up and ran; didn't even kiss me goodbye…and assumed that Dad would be fine paying for his lunch."

"Strike three," her mother replied; "A failure of proper treatment toward his baby girl and sticking him with the bill. What did he say once the jerk was gone?"

Kate smiled. "He said; well, Katie; I told you; doctors are egotistical jackasses…and he's one of the most self absorbed jackasses I've ever met my life. You'd be better off on your own if that's all you can find."

Johanna laughed softly. "So he wasn't a fan either."

"Nope; he didn't like Josh at all."

"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have liked him either," Johanna stated. "He doesn't sound like son-in-law material."

"I have no doubt that you wouldn't have liked him."

"How did that relationship end? Who dumped who?"

"I dumped him."

"Good girl; what made you decide that you had enough?"

Kate sighed and shoved a hand through her hair. "It was right after the shooting," she murmured. "I just couldn't do it anymore. I was a mess and I didn't love him…I was tired of his self absorbed attitude; tired of his snide remarks about Castle…how he blamed him for me getting shot…"

"He blamed him?"

"Yeah; he said it was Castle's fault because Castle encouraged me to pursue your case. I told him that was on me, I made the choice; I never really gave it up, I always came back to it. Yes, Castle helped me with it but it wasn't his fault. He was relentless in his accusations and I guess he had taken it into his head that he was going to hover and suffocate during my recovery and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want anyone around…the only exception being Dad. I just had enough, I told him it was over and not to fight me on it because I didn't love him and there was nothing to fight for."

Johanna reached for her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "Did he take it badly?"

"He was pissed…he said I shouldn't be making life decisions in my condition."

"I would've had to punch him on that one," her mother remarked.

"I thought about it but I was still pretty sore, I wasn't out of the hospital yet" Kate replied, noticing her mother wince at the knowledge. She hated to discuss anything dealing with the shooting, she knew it was painful for her to hear…and it was painful to relive. "I told him I was perfectly capable of making life decisions and that I meant what I said; it was done. He said he knew the real reason was Castle; that he wasn't blind or stupid and if a childish writer was what I wanted, more power to me."

"Wow; he sounds like a real piece of work," Johanna commented.

"He is."

"Just between us…did you deny the accusation about your feelings for Rick?"

Kate took a long sip of her wine. "No; I didn't deny it."

"How much did you tell Rick about the break up?"

"Honestly; I didn't really tell him anything about it other than that we had broken up. He didn't ask so I didn't volunteer."

"Understandable," Johanna replied. "Were you relieved to be out of that relationship?"

"Yeah; I was…I mean he's not a terrible person; he's just more in love with his work and himself than he can ever be with someone else…and it does lead to those jackass tendencies."

Her mother nodded. "I'm glad that you decided that you deserved more than someone who couldn't give you what you need."

"I guess it took me a little while to figure out exactly what it was that I needed."

"We all have that issue to work through at some point in our lives. Was Rick still with Gina at that point?"

"No; they had broken up a few months before."

"I guess he wised up too," she said lightly.

"Yeah; I guess so," Kate said with a grin.

"Any other guys you picked up in bars that Rick had to disapprove of in between liaisons with his ex-wives?" Johanna asked; figuring she may as well dig deep while she was being allowed the privilege.

"No. There was a brief relationship with a robbery detective that we worked a few cases with."

"Workplace romances fair better than barroom ones," Johanna said; "I know that for a fact."

Kate laughed. "Yeah; I know; but this one didn't last long."

"Why not?"

She sighed. "I didn't love him…"

"And?"

Kate shifted in her seat. "If I answer that, I want it to become protected by the mother-daughter confidentiality agreement."

Johanna held out her pinky for Kate to link hers with. "I swear to you that everything said here tonight is protected by the mother-daughter confidentiality agreement."

After their pinky promise and the invoking of their long held agreement for private topics, Kate blew out a breath and told herself that wading into this discussion wasn't a bad thing; that her mother wouldn't judge or blab…that they were in a better place and able to share a few secrets. "Okay; so it was coming up on Memorial Day weekend; and Castle had plans to go to the Hamptons to work on his book; Martha was going to be touring in some show and Alexis was off on some school related trip and he invited me to go along with him. I said no at first; I already had plans to go away…"

"With the other guy?"

"Yeah; but he kept after me about it, because I didn't tell him that my plans were with the other guy. I wasn't as bothered by the repeat invitations as I probably should have been," she admitted; "And they kept sticking in my brain…I kept thinking about it as we worked on a case…and by the end of the case I decided that I didn't want to go with my original plans, that Demming wasn't what I wanted…he was a great guy, he just wasn't the right one. I was going to tell Castle that I had decided to go with him for the weekend."

Johanna's brow rose inquisitively. "What happened?"

"Before I could tell him that I wanted to go; Gina came walking in…he had given up on me and had asked her…that's when they got back together."

"Ouch," her mother said sympathetically; reaching for her hand once more.

Kate nodded. "I only had myself to blame but it stung a little just the same."

"How could it not?" Johanna replied. "I would've been hurt too if I had been in your shoes."

"It took a little while to get over," she admitted; "But maybe the time wasn't right."

"Maybe not," her mother agreed.

Kate took a sip of her wine and then glanced at Johanna. 'Well, now that you've had my doctor story; let's hear about your med student."

Johanna smirked at her. "I already told you a little about that the other night."

"The Cade guy?" Kate asked.

She nodded. "That's the one."

"You left that out of your brief synopsis of that relationship."

"Sorry about that," Johanna said lightly. "Cade Rutherford was a med student."

"And where did you find this Cade Rutherford?"

Johanna took a swallow of wine. "At a frat party."

Kate tsked. "Relationships that begin at frat parties rarely ever last, Mother."

She nodded. "Yes, I'm aware of that now…but back then I was a stupid nineteen year old girl enthralled by a twenty two year old jackass."

"Mhmm; what was so enthralling about this jackass?" her daughter asked.

"Oh, he was very handsome; all the girls swooned over him…you know, one of those guys that could step out of a magazine ad for designer clothes."

Kate's head bobbed in understanding. "That must be a pre-requisite of med school…Josh has been described that way."

"It must go along with the jackass thing," Johanna replied. "But anyway; he was handsome and charming…he knew all the right things to say to dazzle a stupid girl like me."

"You're not stupid."

"I was incredibly stupid when it came to men at that point in my life," Johanna stated. "I couldn't believe that this handsome, rich, popular guy wanted to go out with me…it was like a fairy tale coming true or something. He took me out to nice restaurants, took me to parties; walked me to class…he seemed like such a gentleman."

"But he wasn't; was he?"

"No…it was only a few weeks before he started pressuring to advance the relationship to the next level…and I didn't want to move that quickly. I told him I just wanted to go slow for awhile; I wasn't ready to go there yet."

"What did he say?"

Johanna sighed. "He acted the way, I hoped he would; he said he understood and it was fine; he'd wait until I was ready. He was a good actor; he convinced me that he was being this wonderful, understanding man who didn't think I was a baby for wanting to take things at a slower pace. But he was not an understanding man and he wasn't a gentleman; as I mentioned before. He waited about two weeks and then he took me to this party and made sure my glass was never empty…in fact, I'm pretty sure that was the first time I had gotten drunk. I don't remember anything after agreeing to go back to his room…but it was obvious when I woke up in the morning that he had gotten what he wanted."

Kate's jaw tightened at the thought even though her mother had mentioned it to her previously. "What a bastard…are you sure you were only drunk or did he put something in your drink when you weren't looking?"

"I don't know," she confessed. "I think I was only drunk but I couldn't swear to it; like I said, I don't remember anything past agreeing to go back to his room with him and even that was a bit of a blur. I was angry with him for what had happened…and embarrassed that I had clearly let it happen…and he told me that it had only happened because he loved me. I was stupid…and I guess at that time, I also wanted someone to love me and someone I could love in return and so I bought that excuse and forgave him. I stayed with him for two years."

"What was that time like?" Kate asked.

"At the time I thought it was good…but in hindsight I realized it wasn't all that great; that my naïve heart had been duped by a con man, so to speak. There were snide remarks about my job as a waitress; remarks about being a nerd and studying too much; that I should find something other than the law because he didn't think it was a choice that suited me well. He always brushed those comments off as jokes and I'd believe him. His family didn't like me…your grandfather hated him and told me he was a no good bastard…I should've listened but anything your grandfather was against, in my mind, meant it was just the thing I needed."

"Do you think maybe that's why you held on so long?" her daughter asked.

"No…I really believed that he loved me; and I loved him…at least in that immature way that inexperienced college girls can love. I thought he would marry me…I thought we had a future together. I was wrong. He made a laughing stalk out of me when we broke up; it made it all the more devastating. It was bad enough that he had been cheating on me…and had probably been cheating on me the entire relationship; but to be publicly made a fool of…that just made it all worse."

"How could it not?" Kate murmured.

Johanna sighed. "That whole relationship was a huge mistake…and a hard lesson to learn."

"Could've been worse…he might've married you. I think you dodged a bullet."

Her mother nodded. "I sure did; I was a mess for awhile though. I didn't want anyone to get close like that again."

"You mentioned that before," Kate remarked; "So maybe that gene comes from both of my parents."

She smiled. "I suppose it's possible. I slammed the brakes on a few relationships after the Cade debacle…anytime they wanted to get too close; I'd think up some excuse to get out or I'd put them off until they ended it. After law school; I dated a guy who had no romantic interest in me at all."

Kate laughed softly. "Why?"

"Because Max and I were both looking for the same thing…a companion…someone who didn't expect anything other than someone nice to share a meal with and go see shows with. There were no expectations of love or sex or marriage. It was basically just a nice friendship masquerading as a real relationship to keep people from asking that dreaded 'have you met someone question'."

"Like Grandma," she said with a grin.

"Especially her," Johanna answered; a smile playing on her lips. "I was still seeing Max when I met your father."

"How long did you date him after you met Dad?"

"Your father and I met on May 29th…and Max and I stopped seeing each other in October."

"Is Dad the reason you stopped seeing Max?"

"No; he met someone he was interested in romantically on one of his travels. Max was a businessman who traveled a lot…kind of like your one foot out the door thing."

Kate nodded. "That's definitely an inherited gene."

Johanna took a long sip of her wine. "It wasn't a bad thing though; that relationship with Max; he didn't expect or want anything but he did treat me with a lot of respect and he showed me that there were men out there that I could trust. It didn't obliterate my feelings about relationships and my hesitancy of getting burned again but it helped some. It took your father sneaking past my defenses to get me past those issues."

Her daughter smiled. "He snuck right in, did he?"

"Yeah; he did…and I'm so glad," Johanna murmured. "You know, I didn't realize how bad that relationship with Cade was until I was in a relationship with the right man."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that with your father; he's always been there for me; even before we were dating; he was always there; I could always count on him. I could go to him with any problem; cry on his shoulder, fight with him, ask him for help. Whatever I needed, he always gave and there were never strings attached. I remember times when I was with Cade that I needed a shoulder to cry on and he wasn't there; times when I needed help and he wasn't there; times when I just needed someone to believe in me and support me and he wasn't there. But your father, he's always supported me and done anything he could for me and I've done the same for him; right from the beginning."

"That's not hard to believe," Kate said softly; "I mentioned earlier that the two of you always tackle everything together."

"That's true…and that's not the only thing that was different. With Cade; I was afraid to make him angry…and with Jim, I never had any fear of his anger. He never took advantage of me…anytime I said no, he accepted that and respected it. With Cade; everything had to be about him…and I do mean everything…in every aspect…if you catch my meaning."

Kate nodded. "I think so…he was only concerned with getting what he wanted and the hell with what you might want…in every aspect."

"Right," Johanna said softly; as they tiptoed around the topic. "When you're finally in the right relationship; everything is so much better because you finally learn what it's really supposed to be like…how good it can be when you realize what it's like when you matter to the person you're with and they're more concerned with giving than taking. Cade was a hard lesson to learn…but it made me appreciate finding the right man so much more."

"Then maybe jackass the med student was a good lesson to learn…maybe it taught you to care more about yourself," Kate suggested slowly. "Maybe that's why you didn't slam on the brakes with Dad; you learned what the right thing was and that he'd be the one to treat you the way you deserved to be treated."

"That's true," her mother agreed. "I also learned that I could still believe in fairy tales…I just had to realize that the best ones aren't perfect. My fairy tale romance has plenty of bumps in the road…but I wouldn't trade a minute of it…because it made us stronger and it holds us together still."

"I believe that," Kate murmured. "I guess we weren't meant to be with doctors."

Johanna nodded. "That's the truth…and I'm glad. I'm much more suited to be the wife of a lawyer than a doctor…I don't even like doctors."

Kate laughed. "Yeah, that would've been odd if you had ended up with a doctor given your dislike of them."

"See, I really was stupid back then or I would've figured that out before I wasted two years of my life on that jerk."

"Mother, I think you can be forgiven for being a typical nineteen year old girl who got dazzled by the wrong guy."

Johanna sighed. "I guess we all have to learn that lesson…it does make you appreciate the right man even more when you find him."

Kate gave a nod. "We both dodged a bullet."

Her mother clinked her glass against hers. "We sure did."

"It's too bad you didn't go to school with Dad; he would've taken care of Cade for you. He would've punched him in the face."

"I wish we had gone to school together," Johanna said wistfully. "I probably wouldn't have gotten hooked up with Cade at all if your father had been there to steal my attention; and believe me, he would have. He did meet Cade though."

"He did? How did that come about?"

"We were engaged at the time," she recalled. "In fact it was only a few months before our wedding. Your father and I had a lunch date at an outdoor café…I got there first and I was waiting at the table; figuring that he had gotten held up in court as he was a little late. I was looking at a magazine I had bought from a newsstand on the way there and I hear this voice next to me saying my name. I look up and there's Cade Rutherford."

"Seems like he had a lot of nerve walking up to you after what he had done to you in college," Kate commented.

"Yeah; I thought that myself," Johanna said. "I hadn't seen him since college…had no desire to see him and suddenly there he is. I tried to give him the brush off but he sits down at my table like he's king of the world and strikes up a conversation and says we should get together that night for 'old times sake'."

"Seriously?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; he said it would be fun to relive our good times. I informed him that I was engaged and my wedding was in two months. He looked at me and laughed and said that didn't bother him; after all, he was married and it didn't stop him from 'enjoying life' as he put it. I told him it would bother me; that I wasn't that type of person…that I loved my fiancé and I'd never betray him. He thought that was hilarious."

"He must be a world class jackass," Kate declared.

"He is. I asked him what was so funny and he said I was still living with my head in the clouds; that it wouldn't hurt anything to have a little fun…it was just a one night stand for old times sake; it wasn't like he was asking for anything beyond that."

"Please tell me you told him off."

"Oh I did," Johanna confirmed. "I told him off and I told him exactly what I thought of him…and I told him how thrilled I was that I hadn't gotten saddled with him for life; because I had a real man now and he couldn't even hope to be in his class. That was about the time your father showed up…I told him right in front of Cade that he had propositioned me."

"Does Dad go to jail in this story?" her daughter asked.

"No; but he gave him a piece of his mind and told him he better never catch him near me again or he wouldn't like what happened."

Kate smiled. "The jackass is lucky that Dad only threatened."

Her mother laughed softly. "You're right about that."

"Did you ever see Cade after that?"

"Not in person; I saw him in the newspaper once in awhile and in alumni newsletters."

"Oh? Anything juicy?"

"Well; he's been married a few times…"

Kate scoffed. "Can't imagine what might have led to those divorces."

Johanna laughed. "Yeah; it's not hard to paint a picture about that, is it?"

"Nope; any kids?"

"I believe he has at least two; one from his first marriage to Candy the perky little nurse he was dating at the same time as me…and she knew he was with someone and didn't care."

"She probably got her comeuppance when he cheated on her," Kate replied.

"I certainly hope so," Johanna remarked. "I think his other kid may have been with the third wife…who knows what number of wife he's on by now. He was tied up in a big insurance fraud case once back in the mid 90s; I believe his license was suspended for a short period of time."

"Somehow I'm not surprised to hear that he's had a brush with the law."

"Yeah…and who knows how many other brushes he's had; that's just the one that made the papers."

"That must've been a hell of an insurance fraud case."

"Oh it was…he only escaped more severe punishment by ratting out his colleagues."

"Lovely," Kate said with a laugh. "You dodged a major bullet with that one."

"I thank God that I dodged that bullet every day," Johanna assured.

Kate smiled. "Well let's look at it this way; we can both cross the medical professional off the list."

Her mother gave a nod. "I also crossed off advertising executive."

"Oh?"

"Yeah; but that's a story for another time."

"I'll hold you to that," she said; "And just for the record; I've also crossed off firefighter."

"Interesting," Johanna replied.

"You can have that story when you share the advertising executive one."

"Deal. I've also crossed off traveling businessman."

Kate glanced at her. "F.B.I. agent has been crossed off mine."

Johanna wrinkled her nose at the thought. "I'm glad to hear that…I don't want one of those as a son-in-law."

She couldn't help but laugh. "I can understand why…but we should probably discuss these crossed off professions sometime."

"We should," her mother agreed; "It'll make us appreciate the right ones more."

Kate smiled. "This conversation wasn't as bad as I thought it might be."

"I know how to mind my manners and not cross too many boundary lines," Johanna remarked lightly; "But it was nice to be able to talk so freely about such things…maybe it'll help some of that awkwardness you mentioned before when we were discussing relationship issues."

"I think it will," she said, acting on impulse as she reached for her mother's hand.

"I'm glad," Johanna replied softly; her fingers curling around her daughter's.

"Me too."

"Are you going back to work tomorrow?" she asked.

Kate sighed. "Yeah; I'm feeling better."

Johanna held her gaze. "If you'd need me during the night; wake me; I don't mind…no matter the reason; whether you're not feeling well or you've had a bad dream…or you just want to talk."

She squeezed her hand gently as she gave a slight nod. "Okay; I'll keep that in mind. Thank you…for staying up with me this morning."

"Not a problem," her mother replied. "It's my job as your mother."

"I appreciate it just the same," she murmured; "And; I appreciate that you didn't…push about certain things today."

Johanna eyed her knowingly. "Sometimes I don't need to push…sometimes I just know without asking."

"How do you always do that?"

"Mom magic," she quipped; "It's powerful stuff."

A hint of a wistful grin tipped the corner of Kate's lips upwards. "I remember that line."

"I hoped you would…I hope you remember a lot of things, Katie," she murmured.

"I do," Kate assured. "I…hope you remember some things too."

Johanna conjured up a smile; knowing that her daughter had swallowed some deeper sentiment. "I do…I remember it all," she promised. "If you're going back to work tomorrow, we should probably call it a night; you need to get some rest."

"Yeah; you're right; neither one of us got much sleep last night."

"Remember; you can wake me…for anything," Johanna said.

"I won't forget; if I should have insomnia, I will wake you for the story about the ad man."

Johanna laughed. "I'll be happy to tell you a bedtime story if you need one," she replied; that flicker of hope deep inside her growing even stronger. Perhaps she was mending things with her daughter better than she had thought.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This would fit between chapters 27 and 28, during Johanna and Jim's discord over Jack's phone call._

Chapter 8- Weary

The clock on the microwave read 1:17 a.m. as Kate stepped into the kitchen and squinted against the light. "You're baking again?" she stated, her gaze landing upon her mother as she went through the process of making a cake mix from scratch.

Johanna glanced up at her. "It looks that way, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does," she said as she moved further into the room and pulled out a chair at the table and dropped into it. "The question is, why?"

Her mother shrugged. "Why not?"

"Oh I don't know; maybe because it's after one in the morning and you've been baking for the last three days…what are we going to do with all of this?" she asked.

"Share it with your friends," Johanna replied. "I'm sure Ryan and Esposito wouldn't mind taking some off our hands. Lanie probably wouldn't mind either. We'll send some home with Rick; surely Alexis and Martha like a treat once in awhile."

"I'm sure they do," she said; "But _why_ do you do this?"

"What do you mean why?" her mother asked. "I like to bake. I've always liked to bake."

"I know," Kate said slowly; "But it's a known fact that when you're stressed or upset, baking is your go to thing; like it's your stress relief or something…why?"

She shrugged. "Because…it is."

"But there has to be a reason."

"Everyone has their own thing, Katie," Johanna remarked. "Some people read, some meditate, some run…some bake."

"Baking kind of seems like the odd one on the list," she remarked lightly.

"Well I've always been an odd one so I guess its fitting."

"Not to bring up the reason for your discontent, but Dad always said that he thought it was the violent nature of cooking and baking that appealed to you in times of stress."

"That could be true; because this," Johanna said as she held up an egg before cracking it against the bowl roughly; "Is very satisfying in some ways."

"How so?" her daughter asked.

"Because you can pretend it's someone's face," her mother answered as she picked up another egg and cracked it against the bowl.

"And whose face are we visualizing tonight?"

Johanna glanced at her. "I have a whole list of people to visualize whenever a need arises."

"I have a feeling I know who's at the top of the list right now though."

"I'm neither confirming nor denying that rumor."

"No need to," Kate remarked; "But tell me; what else is satisfying about the violent nature of baking?"

"Beating batter is pretty nice."

"More faces to visualize?"

"Faces, problems, frustration," Johanna answered as she mixed her ingredients. "Same way with chopping things up…sometimes you can pretend that a vegetable is everything you hate in the world and you can just chop it up until there's nothing left of it. It doesn't really cure your problem; but at least you get to launch an attack."

"So like Dad says; it's an outlet for your aggression?"

She sighed. "I guess in a lot of ways it is…especially since punching people is frowned upon…and believe me; I'd like to punch people on occasion."

"Who doesn't have that urge?" Kate quipped. "But what makes you pick baking?"

"I don't know…it's just always something I've done. I like baking; I always baked with my mother…you used to bake with me."

"And yet I don't get out of bed in the middle of the night and bake a batch of cupcakes when I'm stressed," her daughter supplied. "I guess that gene skipped a generation.

"Maybe so; but you have other outlets, you run, you can go have target practice, you read and have a glass of wine. My mother always said that I had a need to keep my hands busy when I'm upset…and baking requires busy hands."

"Maybe you should've considered going on one of those baking contest shows."

Johanna eyed her. "That's not really a plausible idea when you're living under an assumed name courtesy of the F.B.I.; it would kind of defeat the purpose of hiding."

Kate huffed in annoyance. "It's after one in the morning; if you want sharp brain cells; bake at a respectable hour."

Her mother smirked at her. "No; I'd rather not…I like your middle of the night brain cells."

"Why?"

"They're a little more docile…and you seem to revert back to your why phase from when you were three…and you were so cute and cuddly when you were three."

Kate's brow rose. "And I'm not cute and cuddly now?"

"You're adorable," Johanna replied; "But I don't think you let me hug you nearly enough."

"That's because I have a day job and if I let you hug me as much as you wanted, I'd never get out here in the morning."

"Excuses," her mother replied; "Let's just be honest; you've outgrown your cuddly stage…at least in the parent child sense; I'm sure you're open to plenty of cuddles from certain people"

Kate rolled her eyes but a smile tugged at her lips. "I'll hug you more."

"That would be nice; especially considering that no one else wants the job at the moment."

"He'll be back; you know he can't keep his hands off of you," she said flippantly.

"He's doing a pretty good job so far," Johanna remarked.

Kate gave her a mischievous grin. "I guess you could 'attack' him…you know, in the non slapping his face way…but a way he might like."

Her mother smirked at her. "If I thought that would work I would…but it doesn't seem likely…although it probably would solve a few problems."

She nodded. "I have a feeling it would solve all the problems."

"Why are we even discussing that again?"

Kate turned her palms upwards. "I don't know; I guess because it's the middle of the night and you're baking a cake because Dad has temporarily lost his mind and is blinded by jealousy over some idiot that you know in Wyoming."

Johanna stirred her cake batter, the spoon clanging against the bowl. "He doesn't need to be jealous; there's nothing to be jealous of."

"I know…but I guess it's going to take him a little time to come around to that way of thinking."

"Yeah…everything in my life comes down to time. Everything in my life for the last thirteen years has come with the question, how long will it take? How long will it take to end this, how long do I have to be away from my family; how long do I have to lie, how long do we have to suffer, how long will it take to get home, how long will it take to sort out the mess that no one else seems to want to clean up, how long to mend fences…how long to get back to my own home…do I even have the time or do I get taken out before I accomplish any sense of redemption…any sense of really being me again?" she said; her spoon clanging against the bowl as she stirred harder; flicks of batter landing on the table.

"Hey," Kate said softly; "Don't think like that."

"Sometimes I have to," Johanna replied; her voice cracking.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know the answers," she whispered. "I don't have any answers for anything that I need them for. Maybe there isn't any happy ending…maybe I just get to briefly touch what was mine and then have it jerked away again; like the universe laughing in my face and saying 'did you really think you could have it all again? How stupid were you? You have to be punished…there's no going back."

Kate reached across the table and caught hold of the spoon, stopping her mother's frantic stirring. "Don't think those things; we may not have answers now but we will get them and everything will be okay."

"I don't know that," she said; her voice tight as she tried to hold back her emotions.

"You need to tell yourself that you do."

"I try to," Johanna murmured; "But sometimes I'm not so sure. I don't have any of the answers we need, and if I did have some small insignificant detail at one point in time that might unravel this, I don't have it anymore. I am no help to you at all and I don't know how to change that. I can't find my balance; if things are bad with you, they're good with him. If they're bad with him, they're good with you. It's like I can't have things balanced with both of you at the same time for more than a day or two. It just never stops; it's one crisis after another, one brick wall after another, it just seems like every day there's something else in the way or being misunderstood…I keep trying and it's like it's not enough…I don't seem to have what anyone needs and I don't know what to do about it. Some days I just don't know what the hell I'm doing."

Kate bristled at the comments; taking them in a way that Johanna hadn't intended. "Well if that's how you feel about it, maybe you should've stayed in Wyoming and none of us would have to worry about it. You wouldn't have to worry about not getting what you want when you want it and Dad wouldn't have to worry about thinking you're unfaithful and I wouldn't have to worry about babysitting you. So if it's too much for you and you don't want to do it anymore, then go back there and pick up your life as Meagan Stevens."

The words nearly knocked Johanna off her feet and she found herself gripping the back of the chair to keep her steady. This was exactly what she meant; she couldn't seem to do anything right; all she seemed to do was make things worse. She thought they were past the days of Kate telling her to go back to Wyoming. She thought they were at the point where she could express her feelings a bit more freely…but perhaps she was mistaken. Maybe that feeling was only acceptable on Kate approved topics. She had made critical error 5,986…give or take a few thousand. "I'm sorry," she said quietly; her voice oddly composed. "I didn't mean to say those things."

Kate shook her head. "Don't lie; you meant what you said."

"I have a feeling you took it in a way that I didn't intend it to be meant."

"Then how did you mean it?" she asked sharply.

Johanna stared down into the mixing bowl until her eyes blurred with hot tears. "I'm tired, Katie."

"Then maybe you should try this new thing they invented; it's called sleep…maybe you should sleep once in awhile instead of staying up half the night baking cakes and watching forty year old reruns."

Johanna took a shuddering breath and picked up the mixing bowl to dump it out; the batter too thin from her rigorous stirring which was just as well; she'd made a mess out of everything with an unintended rant. "That's not the kind of tired I meant," she replied as she moved to the trash can to pour out the batter.

"You're not making cake now?" Kate asked; temporarily putting the bigger issue on hold.

"I ruined the batter; I made it too thin."

"You can start over," she suggested.

"What for?" Johanna asked. "What's the point?"

Her daughter shrugged. "I don't know…you're the one who does one a.m. baking, not me."

Johanna sank down in a chair with a weary sigh and for a rare moment, Kate could see everything that her mother so carefully kept masked and boxed up; the weight that pushed down on her shoulders, the weariness in her face, the anguish in her eyes and the feeling of hopelessness. She was tired…the kind of tired one is when they've been toting around thirteen years of baggage that occasionally explodes just when you think it's under control…and the kind of tired that came from sleepless nights that you couldn't escape when your world was teetering precariously. Suddenly she felt remorseful for her sharp tone, for throwing Wyoming in her face and the remark about babysitting her.

"I'm sorry," Kate murmured.

"For what?"

"For the things I said and taking what you said the wrong way…I get it; just chalk it up to slow moving brain cells…but I do get it."

"It's alright if you don't," Johanna said softly. "I should learn to keep my mouth shut."

"No; you're no fun when you keep your mouth shut," her daughter replied. "I know you're upset because of this thing with Dad and that nothing I say is going to make it better but I think you do better with it when you're mad…when you start giving into the sadness and that dark cloud that can sweep over you so easily; you start to sink a bit…so until he comes to his senses; maybe you should just stay mad…because you do much better when you're pissed off."

"Yeah; but that's when I start hitting people and you said I can't do that anymore," Johanna replied.

"Well, that's true; you can't do that anymore…unless it's really necessary…and even though he's my father and I love him; I gave you a pass when you slapped him because he deserved that one; but that's the only one you get…unless he does something absolutely horrible."

She managed a small smile. "You're the boss…for now."

Kate grinned. "See, that's a better attitude; that's my mother."

Johanna nodded but her smile faded. "I am sad though."

"I know," her daughter replied.

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"You didn't."

"Then why are you up?"

Kate gave a soft shake of her head. "Just a dream…then I heard a noise which woke me further but that noise was you and I'm glad because it made me get up instead of going back to sleep."

"Another nightmare?" her mother asked in concern.

"Not exactly…it hadn't gotten as bad as previous ones but it was weird and creepy in its own way…and no I don't want to discuss it."

"I understand," Johanna replied. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah; I'm fine," she murmured.

Her mother gave her a slight smile. "I don't think either one of us is fine."

"Yeah; you're probably right…as usual…and just so you know, that's really annoying," Kate quipped.

Johanna laughed quietly. "It's a mom thing."

"Seems like everything is."

"Not everything," she assured; "But at least the mom side of my brain is cooperating. Now if only the wife side could figure out what to do to make my husband believe me before I lose him completely."

"You're not going to lose him."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because I'm not willing to be the child of a broken home," Kate replied lightly.

"Maybe you should tell your father that."

"Believe me, if this drags out too long, I'll tell him plenty."

Johanna blew out a breath. "What are we going to do, Katie?"

Kate got up from the chair and went to the cupboard and took down the pack of chocolate chip cookies and pulled a few out. She moved to her mother's side and held one out to her. "Here; you need a cookie."

Johanna's heart skipped; a memory from Kate's childhood springing forward in her mind. "What makes you think so?"

"Because we always had cookies when we were sad," her daughter replied. "I remember a time when I was little...in fact it's one of my earliest memories; you were very sad and were crying and I got the cookies out and gave you one…and took one for myself…and we sat on the kitchen floor and ate cookies and talked about why we were having a bad day."

"You remember that?" Johanna asked.

"Yeah…don't you?"

"Yes," she murmured. "I remember it like it was yesterday. Your father and I were having a rough spot and I had a horrible week at work…and you had a horrible day with Elizabeth and was throwing tantrums when I was trying to get dinner started and I just broke down…and you came and hugged me and told me all the things I always said to you when you were crying; and then you declared that we needed cookies and you got them out of the cupboard and opened them up for us. We sat on the floor and discussed our bad days…and then decided that we should order pizza…and I can't still hear your favorite question when it came to pizza "with ronis on it?" Johanna said with a wistful laugh before taking a bite of her cookie.

Kate grinned. "It has to have 'ronis' on it or it just isn't right."

"Very true…and every time I see pepperoni; I think of when you were little and called them ronis."

"If it wasn't so late, we'd order a pizza with pepperoni on it…and if it helped; we could sit on the floor and eat it."

Johanna gave a nod, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. "Maybe we can do that for dinner one day this week…after your father and his jackass behavior has been sent home."

"I did notice that you don't feed him anymore."

"He doesn't get to insinuate that I'm a slut and then eat my food," her mother declared. "He can just go fend for himself."

"I don't blame you…but since you're not making cake, you should bake brownies…with peanut butter icing…because we can never have too many of those."

Johanna smiled. "For you, I will make brownies with peanut butter icing…are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

"We can always talk about anything that you want," she said as she got up from the table to gather the ingredients for brownies.

"I know…but I'd just rather forget bad dreams," Kate said quietly.

"I know the feeling…just think happy thoughts, Katie."

"We seem to be running low on those tonight," her daughter replied.

"I can't deny that," Johanna said while grabbing a clean mixing bowl from the cupboard.

"Brownies will help."

"Then brownies we will have," she declared as Kate got up to help her move the required items to the table.

"You still never answered my question of why you do this middle of the night baking…did Grandma do it?"

"No…not unless there was a holiday the next day, then she'd sometimes stay up late and get a start on the pies and stuff. I believe that it comes from my grandmother…Grandma Sophia always baked when she was unhappy…and according to my mother; she did a lot of baking in the middle of the night."

"So it is hereditary and skips a generation."

"I suppose so…I guess your daughter will pick up the torch one day."

Kate smirked in amusement. "You're just determined, aren't you?"

"Just a casual observation," Johanna declared as she began to mix up the batter.

"Does baking in the middle of the night somehow make whatever the problem is feel better?"

"Sometimes it relieves the stress a little…sometimes it takes it away…sometimes it's enough to help carry on," her mother remarked. "It's helping right now."

"It is?"

"Yeah…because you're here with me…and I always liked when you kept me company in the kitchen."

Kate swallowed hard; an unexpected surge of emotion tightening her throat. She tried to keep her mother from seeing the sheen of tears that suddenly filled her eyes but she knew she failed when she saw her reaching for the dish towel to wipe her hands. "Hey; what's that about?" Johanna asked softly as she rounded the table and bumped Kate's chin up with her knuckle.

"I don't know," she whispered; a tear breaking free. "I guess a lot of things."

"Anything you want to narrow down?" her mother asked; swiping away the tear with her thumb.

"I don't know how," she admitted. "I don't even know why I'm crying."

Johanna wrapped her arms around her, pulling her forward so that Kate's head settled against her. "I know that feeling well," she murmured; her fingers threading through her daughter's hair. "Sometimes the heart and mind get overloaded…and you throw in a bad dream and everything gets even more messy; but it's alright to cry about it; even if you don't know exactly what it is."

Kate wrapped her arms around her mother's waist tightly as she gave in to the need to cry; a need she hadn't even realized that she had. She didn't know if she was crying for herself or for her mother…or for both of them as they remained in limbo with so many things in their lives; but she couldn't deny that it felt good to be wrapped in her mother's embrace, to hear her murmuring the same words she remembered from her childhood. "It's okay, I've got you."

She held on tighter; letting pent up emotions pour out as her mother soothed her. "Just let it all out," Johanna told her. "It's very cleansing…you'll feel better."

She didn't seem to have much choice but to let it out; that exploding baggage she had thought of in regard to her mother seemingly coming back to bite her with an explosion of her own. Their lives were a mess; they were both tired and growing weary; the men in their lives exasperated them and they were living with targets on their backs. They were stressed, they were cooped up a lot. They each had their nightmares that they battled with and they were both carefully toeing the delicate line of their reconstructed bond. She figured they both had a right to cry. Sometimes it just got to be too much to carry and the load had to be released.

Her mother kissed the top of her head and she squeezed her eyes shut and took a shuddering breath as her cries slowed. Slowly she forced herself to pull out of her mother's embrace. Johanna wiped away the tear stains on her daughter's face. "You okay now?"

Kate sniffled. "I don't even know why that happened…I was fine."

"No, baby; neither one of us is fine; remember; we just acknowledged that a little while ago. You don't need a reason to cry…or rather; a specific reason. God knows we've got plenty of reasons to cry all the time; you're better at holding it in than I am…so you're probably long overdue."

"Baby," Kate thought to herself; her mother had always called her baby when she needed comforted; and while she was probably too old for that term of endearment now; she wouldn't dare chasten her for it. She couldn't; not tonight, not when they were both clearly out of sorts and needed someone to hang on to. Sometimes it felt like they were all each other really had; they didn't have a choice of abandoning each other in the current situation. Her father and Castle; they could walk away when things got tense; when things were said that they didn't like. They could take all the space they wanted; but the Beckett women were restricted and bound together by blood and necessity…and love. She leaned into her mother once more; soaking up that maternal comfort that was given so freely.

"Do you remember when we'd both be home sick, we'd just lay in bed and watch TV and talk until we went to sleep?" Kate asked.

"I remember," her mother replied. "Those were nice times."

"They were," she murmured. "We're tired, you know."

"I know."

"You could make brownies in the morning."

Johanna tipped Kate's face up and kissed her forehead. "Go on to bed; sweetheart. I don't think your dreams will bother you anymore tonight; and if they do, I'll chase them away."

Kate swallowed hard; she was a woman in her early thirties; a cop who dealt with the worst of humanity, but she looked up at her mother and uttered the words 'You could come with me…we could watch something on my laptop…you know; like when we'd watch TV in your bed on sick days."

Johanna studied her daughter for a long second, surprised that she was asking her to camp out with her for what was left of the night. "Alright," she said softly; pushing her own troubles aside to comfort her child. "I'll make brownies in the morning…it'll keep me from hitting your father with a lamp."

Kate laughed. "If you're having that urge than you should definitely stay occupied when he's here."

"True. Should we clean up this stuff or just let it go since morning is only a few hours away?"

"It can wait," Kate said with a tired sigh.

"You're right; it can wait," she agreed; "And don't worry; I won't let you be the child of a broken home; I'll take a lie detector test if I have to to prove to him that I'm innocent."

"Well, if it comes to that, I know a guy who does some off the book lie detector testing on the side," she told her mother as they left the kitchen.

"Good; it's nice to know it can be arranged," Johanna said as she tried to stifle a yawn.

Kate grabbed her laptop from the coffee table where she had left it earlier that evening and they made their way into her room and climbed into the bed. They found some 90s sitcoms to watch online and kept their conversation light; avoiding discussions of relationship problems and their fears regarding their case. By the time the sun was up, they were back in the kitchen; the brownies in the oven and breakfast on the table; their faces made up with a little more make up than usual to cover the sleepless night.

"Do you feel any better?" Johanna asked Kate as scooped up the last bite of her eggs.

"Yeah; I do…thanks."

"I didn't do much."

"You did plenty," Kate replied; "You did what you always do and that's enough."

She gave her a small smile. "The brownies will be here and ready if you stop by on your lunch break."

"I'll be by unless I have a case," she remarked. "I like to check in and make sure you and Dad are playing nice. How are you feeling?"

Johanna blew out a breath. "I think I'm a little better…late night baking and daughter time is always a good medication for what ails me; so thank you for staying up with me."

"Glad to be of service," Kate quipped; "I'm also glad we get brownies out of it…whatever your reason may be for impulsive baking."

She laughed softly. "And yet you seemed to be implying that we have too many baked goods."

"It's not such a bad thing," her daughter replied. "Like you said; we can share with our little circle of people."

A knock at the door sounded before Johanna could answer. "That's probably Dad," Kate murmured. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah; I guess so," she said sadly.

"Hey; remember what I said; stay mad…mad is better."

Johanna smiled and gave a nod; feeling a little stronger; although she was sure the feeling was temporary…but despite the upset of balance with her husband; she couldn't help but be grateful for the balance she had found with her daughter for the moment. She didn't know how long it would last; but she cherished every moment.


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter would fit in chapter 28 of Apologize; it takes place the morning after Johanna talks about her life in Wyoming._

Chapter 9- Turmoil

Kate muffled a yawn with the back of her hand as she stepped out of her bedroom that morning, nearly colliding with her father as she turned to head up the hallway. "What's wrong, Dad?" she asked tiredly; cursing cases that kept her out until four in the morning.

"Why is your mother sleeping on the couch?" Jim quietly demanded to know.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead; it was too early for this. "I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it's because you didn't want to share a room with her and she respects that."

"She was supposed to be in your room."

"She was until I got home," Kate replied. "I told her she could stay with me but she didn't want to; I figured she wanted to watch TV. It's really not a big deal; she sleeps on the couch a lot…she seems to sleep better there to tell you the truth."

"I told her to wake me when you got home so I could leave," he said somewhat tersely.

His daughter laughed softly. "Yeah, I know; but if you really thought for a minute that she was going to wake you up at four in the morning to send you home, you're crazy. You know just as well as I do that she'd never do that."

Jim's jaw was tense; his emotions still in turmoil from everything he had heard the night before and the constant frenzy he seemed determined to keep himself wrapped up in. "She never does what she's told. She never listens."

"And yet you married her anyway," Kate remarked. "I don't think for a minute that you didn't know what you were getting into. She might have her faults but she loves you."

He scoffed and Kate smacked his shoulder, her eyes flashing with annoyance. "Don't you stand there for a second and act like she doesn't or that you doubt it," she said sharply. "She loves you; she loves you more than anything in this world; _you_ are _her world_ , that's why she's been steadily crumbling ever since you lost your mind over a damn phone call. If she didn't love you, she wouldn't put up with you and your bullheadedness; she wouldn't have waited three years for you to date her, she wouldn't have stayed faithful to you, and yes, I believe with all my heart that she has never, ever been unfaithful to you. When she first came home you were big on lecturing me about forgiveness and second chances and all of that and yet you're the one hurting her the most…and she's still here, waiting and praying that you'll believe her; giving up her bed for you to sleep in comfort even though she's hurt and angry with you. If it was me and my husband was unjustly accusing me of something; he'd be sleeping in his car and I wouldn't give a damn about his comfort."

Jim's eyes narrowed at her but he held back the sharp retorts that formed on his tongue. "Give me time to go home and change and then I'll be back, Katie."

"Don't bother," she told him.

"What?"

"Don't bother; we won't be here."

Surprise and perhaps a touch of fear flickered in his gaze. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to work and she's going to go stay with Martha for the day."

"Martha," he said; slight dismay in his tone. "How is she going to be safe with just Martha?"

"Don't worry, Dad; I'll see to it that she's safe. You know that Castle's building is secure and I'll make sure the building is being watched. She needs to get out of here and see someone other than you and me."

He shook his head. "I don't think I like the idea."

"Well we don't really care," she replied; her patience with him wearing thin. "You'd think you'd be happy; you won't have to share air space with her today. It's obvious that you don't want to be here; that you only come out of obligation and it just makes everything worse. Last night is a prime example in my opinion; she told us everything, she didn't hold back…and you gave her nothing in return. You didn't even look at her…and then to add insult to injury; you won't even lay next to her so she can sleep in her own bed. You're too busy wanting to brood over nothing to see that all the answers you want or need, she gave you last night."

"I don't want a lecture, Katie. I'm the parent here, not you," he retorted.

Her brow rose. "Well I've sat through plenty of your lectures that I didn't want and now you can take one of mine because I am sick of this, Dad. I am just completely fed up with it. Today, while you're alone, you need to figure out what you want and what you're going to do. You need to make a choice; you're either going to wake up and realize that she's innocent and apologize and work with her to make things better between you again, or you need to decide to be done. Just make up your mind; you're either staying with her or the two of you are done. We can't all stay in this limbo because I'm sick of it and she can't take much more of it and it just needs to be dealt with."

Jim shook his head. "I'm just supposed to snap my fingers and make a decision to appease you, Katie?"

"No; you're supposed to think about what you want and then make a decision for both of you…because I have to tell you, if you don't make it soon, you won't have a choice."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

Kate held his gaze. "She's going to give up on you, Dad. One day soon she's going to wake up and just decide to stop fighting it. She's going to lose hope of you coming to your senses and she's just going to accept defeat and she's going to be done and she's going to tell you to go and not come back."

Jim smirked slightly. "You underestimate your mother."

"No," she countered; "You do…because I get to hear all the things you don't. I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces every night after you leave. She's already losing hope, Dad; she's already made mentions of what's going to happen after this case is over; how she might not have a home to go to…and you know what; if she doesn't have you; I don't see her staying in New York. I think it would be too hard for her; she might try for awhile, but then she'd probably run into you somewhere and she wouldn't be able to stand it. She'll leave…and since the only other place she knows is Wyoming; that's most likely where she'd go. So why don't you think about that too…think about how you're driving her back to the last place she wants to be…the last place you want her to be."

"She'd stay in New York for you, Katie."

She shook her head. "No; I don't think she will…I think she'll leave; but if you two are over, it shouldn't bother you any. You need to decide and you need to tell her; if it's over, then I'll make other arrangements for when I'm not here with her because I'm not going to subject you to each other. She can go through the grieving process and have closure about that part of her life. You can move on and when this is over, she can too…although I doubt she will; you could walk out of here right now and never come back and she'd still be faithful; she'd still love you and wouldn't blame you at all. But maybe everything you know about her doesn't matter anymore. I don't know what else she can do; she's told you everything, she's cried, she's begged, she's pleaded, she's slapped you, she's argued with you until she's blue in the face. Nothing's reaching you…so maybe it's time to call it a day, Dad. If you want out, just say so; you don't need to hang on to this stupid excuse of being mad about a phone call. Just tell her you want out and go…she'll let you go if it's what you want. I think she's already preparing for it. So just make up your mind and for all of our sakes, do it soon, okay; because it's getting old."

Her father said nothing as he rubbed the back of his neck and Kate slipped around him and headed up the hallway toward the living room, through with the discussion and tired of trying to knock sense into him. He liked to talk about her mother's stubbornness…he ought to look at his own; it was off the charts. She glanced over at the couch, glad to see that her mother was still sleeping and hadn't overheard their quiet conversation in the hallway. She moved into the kitchen to start the coffee, figuring she'd let her sleep awhile longer. She moved around as quietly as possible, gathering ingredients for breakfast as she kept a subtle eye on the living room as her father finally appeared.

She watched from the corner of her eye as he approached the couch; indecision written across his features as he stared down at Johanna. A knot formed in her stomach; fearing that he'd wake her and tell her that their marriage was over. How could she go to work and leave her in the state of devastation that would bring? Kate sighed; perhaps this morning hadn't been the right time for a lecture with her father but damn it she was tired of this and she wanted it resolved one way or another. If worst came to worst; she'd figure out some excuse to use to call off work…family emergency should work…because it would most likely be an emergency of epic proportions that would probably require sedation…or alcohol. Or both…alcohol for her and sedation for her mother. That was a good plan for the time being.

Kate blew out a soft breath as she continued to watch her father; he just kept standing there, staring, making no move of any kind and she didn't know what to make of it. She was also surprised that his stare hadn't somehow woke her; usually her mother knew when someone was watching her and it would jolt her awake…but she had been drained emotionally; maybe she had found escape in deep sleep for a change. Finally movement resonated in her field of vision and her attention snapped back to her father, watching as he slowly leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her mother's forehead. Her mother didn't stir and the knot of anxiety didn't ease in her stomach as she watched him back away.

"Come lock the door, Katie," Jim announced as he headed in that direction.

She forced away her feelings of anxiety and irritation and left the kitchen to see him out. "I'll let you know when we're home, Dad," she murmured quietly.

"I'd appreciate that," he remarked. "Make sure she's safe while she's out visiting."

"You know I'll take care of everything; I wouldn't take her somewhere where she wouldn't be safe."

"I know," he replied; squeezing the back of his neck once more.

Kate gave him a small smile. "Don't worry, Dad; I still love you…and no matter what happens between the two of you, I always will. You're just exasperating right now…you're kind of being a jerk," she whispered; "But I was told men are like that at times."

Jim smirked. "I'm sure you heard that from your mother."

"Yes; I did…but when she told me that; she began the conversation by saying 'Katie; your father wants me to make sure that I tell you what jerks guys can be at times'."

Her father grimaced. "Yeah…I do kind of remember asking her to do that…"

"Kind of came back to bite you in the ass, didn't it?"

"It seems that way," he agreed.

"It also blows that 'she doesn't listen' theory out of the water too."

Jim glared at her. "You're too damn smug for this early in the morning."

She smiled. "But you love me anyway."

"I do," he said with a nod as he reached for the doorknob. "Have a good day, Katie; be careful."

"I will," she promised.

Kate closed the door behind him and relocked it before quietly making her way back to the kitchen. She cooked eggs and made toast; setting the plates on the stove to keep warm as she went to wake up her mother.

"Hey," she said softly; gripping Johanna's shoulder and giving her a firm shake.

The motion startled her and Johanna bolted upright. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Kate replied; her hands wrapping gently around her mother's arms. "It's just time for you to get up. I made breakfast; it'll keep warm while you get dressed."

"Is your father still here?" she asked.

A small sympathetic smile touched her lips. "No; he left a little bit ago."

Johanna nodded; trying to ignore the sting…trying to ignore that feeling that she was losing him more and more as each day slipped by. "I won't be long, Katie," she murmured.

"Take your time…no one's going to bat an eye if I'm a little late today considering what time I got in this morning."

Johanna said nothing as she threw back the blanket and got up from the sofa, heading for the guest room to get her clothes and makeup bag to take to the bathroom with her. She paused in the threshold of the doorway, staring at the unmade bed her husband had left behind. She ached inside, wishing he was still in it so that she could take a chance and crawl in next to him…but he was gone; and she couldn't help but wonder if it was a sign. She sucked in a breath, trying to quell the pain; wishing she could just climb back in that bed, knowing it would smell like him and linger there with her eyes closed; pretending he was just out of reach of her fingertips.

She forced her feet to carry her forward; knowing that she couldn't linger, that she couldn't stand around and take her time to wallow. She had to get ready to go; she didn't want to make Kate too late for work.

* * *

After Johanna had finished her morning routine, she entered the kitchen and sat down at the table as Kate grabbed the plates from the stove. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?" she asked her daughter. "I would've made breakfast."

"I figured you deserved a day off from breakfast duty," Kate replied. "You kind of had a bad night."

"Yeah; I guess you could say that…and it most likely spoiled your evening with Rick; and I am very sorry about that, Katie. I tried to ignore your father's remarks as much as I could but he's always brought out the best and the worst in me…I should've just gone in the other room and locked the door. I'm so sorry."

"No; you didn't spoil anything," Kate assured. "Castle knows that you and Dad are going through a rough spot; he didn't mind that you squabbled a bit before calling that little meeting. Don't worry about it; there will be other dinners."

Johanna sighed. "That doesn't make me feel any better about it."

"I had a feeling it wouldn't; but honestly; I'm not mad at you…I knew going in that there was a possibility for the fight to pick up again. It's fine, really…and I hope that maybe you feel a little better now that you've talked about Wyoming and how you felt there…although it was hard to hear and imagine."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be; it was going to come out eventually…I'm the one who told you before to just tell us what you want like you always used to."

"I know…but it didn't do me any good anyway; at least not with your father."

"What did he say after I left?" she asked curiously.

Johanna shook her head as she looked across the table at her. "Not a damn thing…he didn't say one word to me until I asked where he wanted me to sleep."

"I'm sorry," Kate said softly. "I don't know why he's being so stubborn…so against listening to reason."

"Because he doesn't trust me," her mother murmured. "He'll probably never trust me again…and I only have myself to blame."

"You didn't have an affair though."

"It doesn't matter; I left…I left for thirteen years and now the trust is gone. I can't prove to him that nothing ever happened with Jack; I can't call Jack and say to him 'please explain to my husband that I have never, ever let you get anywhere with me and that the only time I was around you was at work and work related functions'. Even if I could do that, Jim wouldn't believe it. I'd take a lie detector but I wouldn't want you to have to arrange that…and it would probably not be in our best interest at the moment given current circumstances; so I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do. I keep trying; I just keep trying over and over and it's like the more I try the more he resists. I'm running out of ideas…I'm running out of patience."

"I don't blame you for feeling that way," Kate replied; "But maybe while he's by himself today he'll think about a few things and hopefully come to his senses."

Johanna sighed as she pushed around the eggs on her plate. "I think I'm running out of hope, Katie."

"Don't give up yet; maybe the space will do you both good."

"We can hope," she replied; humoring her daughter for the sake of both them. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Yeah; I'm fine…you could've stayed though; you didn't have to move to the couch."

"I don't mind sleeping on the couch," Johanna said; reaching for the strawberry jaw to put on her toast.

"Just for the record; Dad wasn't too happy to discover it."

"Then he should've stopped being a jackass and allowed me to stay with him."

Kate smiled. "Well don't take this the wrong way but you handled that wrong; I wouldn't have given him my bed in the first place; I would've told him that he was sleeping on the couch."

"He doesn't do well sleeping on a couch; if it's just a nap he's fine but a whole night usually aggravated his shoulder," Johanna replied.

"He's been aggravating you all week; I'd say it would be an even trade."

She smiled. "I was hoping maybe once he was in there that he'd change his mind and tell that I could come in with him…but I was wrong."

"Apparently so…but he was unhappy that you were on the couch so maybe that means things are hopeful."

"He was probably mad that I didn't wake him like I said I would," Johanna commented.

"He mentioned that…I told him he was crazy if he believed you were really going to do that."

"You would think that he'd know me better than that," she quipped but then the light in her eyes dimmed. "But of course I think that about a lot of things."

Kate swallowed a bite of her eggs; refraining from mentioning the chat she had with her father. "Don't worry; I think he has a lot of things to think about today."

"What makes you so sure?"

"He had that look on his face; the one where he knows he has to think but hates to do it."

Johanna laughed. "I know that look."

Her daughter smiled. "We both do; and he wasn't happy to hear that you were going to be with Martha today…he was concerned about your safety."

"Yeah; well; lately I look at that as a feeling of obligation on his part…and I know that makes me sound horrible but that's how he's made me feel the last several days."

"I know…but if it makes you feel any better; he did kiss you before he left."

Johanna's gaze lifted from her plate and met her daughter's, a somewhat disbelieving look in her eyes as her brow rose. "You wouldn't just be saying that to make me feel more hopeful would you?"

Kate shook her head. "No; I wouldn't lie to you about that. He did kiss you; he kissed your forehead."

"Maybe it was a goodbye kiss," her mother muttered as she broke a piece of her toast in half.

"I don't think so," she replied. "I think it was more along the lines of 'I'm sorry I'm being a jackass, I'm going to try to stop being one but it might take me some time since I've made such a good effort at being one."

Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "You're definitely my daughter," she quipped.

"I've heard that rumor from several people now."

"I can confirm that rumor," she remarked. "Did I ever tell you about the time I spied on your grandfather because your grandmother thought he was having an affair?"

Kate's brow rose. "Which grandfather?"

"My father."

"Grandpa McKenzie!?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes; your grandmother was so upset…so I told her I'd find out for sure…I made your father help me."

Kate grinned. "Nothing says I love you like a joint spy operation."

"We weren't dating yet…it took some convincing and a threat of calling Jeff to help me instead."

She laughed softly. "He didn't like the thought of that?"

"Not at all…I can also tell you that your father could've never been a cop; he bitched the entire time of our stake out."

"You had a stake out?"

"Yes;" she replied. "We staked out your grandfather's office…I wanted to see who he was working late with."

"And then what happened?" Kate asked.

"I saw him come out of the building with some woman I didn't know."

"Did you confront them?"

"No; I had to build a case and find evidence of wrong doing," Johanna replied. "We waited until they left and then we went in the building."

Her daughter eyed her. "You broke into the building."

"Not exactly…I had the security code."

"You broke into the building," Kate stated.

"Okay; I broke in a little," Johanna declared as she picked up her glass of juice. "I had no choice."

"That's against the law."

"Only if you get caught."

"And you didn't get caught?"

"No…but we did get accidentally locked in the building."

Kate laughed. "I bet Dad loved that."

"Oh yeah; he was thrilled."

"How did you get out?"

"We had to go down to the basement and pry a window open and climb out," Johanna replied. "He dropped me…"

Kate almost choked on her eggs. "He dropped you?" she laughed.

"Yeah…but he broke my fall."

"Oh my God; I wish someone had gotten this on film so I could watch it," her daughter declared. "What else did you do on your spy mission?"

Johanna swallowed a bite of her toast. "Well, I had found an address so we went to that apartment building to find out who lived there; we searched the mailbox but there wasn't any mail in it."

"That's also against the law," Kate stated.

"Only if you get caught," her mother replied once again. "I knocked on her door to find out who she was but she wasn't home."

"Probably lucky for her," she couldn't help but laugh.

"Perhaps. Then I had your father call a cousin of his at the phone company to trace a number for me."

"With no warrant."

Johanna waved a hand dismissively. "Sometimes you have to break the rules. Your father also picked the lock on the door of your grandfather's office once we got in the building…he also lied to a police officer that same night and told him I was his wife."

"I thought you didn't get caught!"

"We didn't; we had a fight during our stakeout and a cop came by and asked if there was a problem. Once Jim said I was his wife, the cop deemed it a personal matter and went on his way."

"How 1970s of him," Kate replied.

"Well it was the 1970s…1975 if you want to be exact…that was a hell of a year," she said wistfully.

"In what ways?" her daughter asked softly. "What was it about that year that made it so memorable?"

"Everything," Johanna breathed. "My sister got married; there was a lot of discord with my parents over the summer and I stayed away a good bit, my grandfather passed away…I had the best vacation of my life with the man I loved; and it was during that trip that I finally acknowledged to myself that I was indeed, madly in love with him. We grew so much closer that year; our first Valentine's Day together, his father's heart attack, vacation, the little detective/spy operation we went on, a trip to the hospital for me and him taking care of me until I recovered from a lung infection, and me returning the favor when he got sick…Christmas shopping together…; a disastrous New Years Eve; we had fun, we had fights, we supported each other, we pushed the boundaries; and those are just highlights," she said as a hundred different memories filled her mind. "Everything good in my life he made even better…and everything bad he swept away and made me smile again. It was the year of us…the unofficial us; but us none the less. It was the year when I knew for sure that I had found the person I was meant to spend my life with."

"Sounds like an action packed year," Kate replied; the tone of her mother's voice as she spoke longingly of those long ago days making her ache for her.

"It was so many things; so many feelings…there was sorrow and stress…and yet I think of it as one of my best years simply because he was there, because we were falling more and more in love and letting it show at times," she said, swallowing the lump that was growing in her throat. "There were times back then when I thought I had it bad," Johanna went on with a small laugh. "If I only knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have looked so bad in those dark spots."

Kate took a sip of coffee. "We all probably feel that way at on time or another."

"Most likely," Johanna said with a nod; blinking away the moisture that filled her eyes, her mind still sorting through memories of 1975.

Seeing that her mother was sinking under that black cloud as she retreated into her memories, Kate was anxious to get her mind back on conversation. "You didn't finish your story; you didn't tell me what happened with Grandpa."

Johanna shook away her thoughts and returned her attention to her daughter. "I found out he was going to be going with this woman to an exclusive club that catered to married men and their mistresses. You could only get in if you knew someone who could vouch for you…so I had your father find someone who could vouch for us so we could sneak in."

"You really were on a mission; weren't you?"

"Yes, I was," she replied; "And when we were at the club, I waited until my father was at his table alone and I confronted him."

"Was he having an affair?"

"No; not to the full extent of the definition, or so he claimed; but it seemed to be an emotional affair in a lot of ways. He did end it once he got busted though."

"I bet," Kate laughed. "I also bet he wasn't happy to see you show up there."

"No, he wasn't happy at all; and neither was I…but at least it put a stop to whatever he was gearing up for."

Her daughter shook her head, a smile clinging to her lips. "So let's see, there was breaking and entering, false statements to an officer, illegal searches, opening up someone else's mailbox; lying to seek access to get into an exclusive club…"

"In the midst of all that, your father also made the comment that I had the temperament to stage a hostage situation."

Kate nodded. "I can see that…maybe those words ought to come back and bite him though. Lock him a room here and tell him he can't come out until he's being himself again."

Johanna smiled softly. "The idea is tempting…I'm not going to rule it out."

"Sounds like a good idea…and since you have previous experience, maybe I'll take you with me on my next stakeout and see how good your detective skills still are," she teased.

"I'm game," her mother replied. "It's not like I have plans."

Kate reached across the table and patted her hand. "You'll have plans before long. Are you finished your breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm done," Johanna said, her plate still mostly full. "Did your father say what he was going to be doing today?"

"No; but I'm sure he's going to be doing some thinking."

"You keep saying that like you're sure of it," she said as she eyed her.

Her daughter shrugged. "Just a feeling."

"Did you say something to him?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I know you."

"I didn't say anything more than usual," Kate told her; hoping that whatever came of her father's thought process wouldn't come back to bite her.

Johanna wasn't sure that she believed that but she appreciated the thought just the same. "Thank you," she murmured.

"For what?"

"For trying," she said simply. "I appreciate it…and I hope it doesn't cause any issues between the two of you."

"Dad and I are fine," Kate assured; "And I have faith that the two of you will be fine together too; just hang in there."

Her mother blew out a breath. "Seems like I spend a lot of time hanging on."

"Sometimes you don't have much choice."

"I know…come on, let's get the table cleared so we can get out of here; I don't want you to be too late for work," Johanna declared. "Maybe I can come up with a new plan during my time out today."

"Try to relax and enjoy yourself," Kate told her. "Maybe things will take care of themselves."

"That rarely ever happens, Katie…I'm going to have to think of a new approach where your father is concerned…and if that doesn't work…commit me because I'll probably be insane by then and it'll all be his fault."

"Just to make sure he's punished for it, I'll have him put away too."

Johanna smiled. "Thank you, I'd appreciate that."

"That's what daughters are for…or so I'm told," Kate replied as they scrapped the dishes and put them in the sink.

"That's true…and mothers always return the favor; so if you ever need someone taken care of or put in their place; you just let me know."

"I will; because you're good at telling people off," her daughter quipped.

Johanna nodded. "Well, like we said before, Beckett women get the job done; from the telling off to the place putting to the punching if necessary."

"We're a fearsome lot."

"That's right, the world should tremble in fear and men shouldn't dare cross us," Johanna declared while they moved through the apartment.

"And yet they do it anyway."

"Yeah; that's the only flaw in the plan," she sighed.

"We'll just have to work on it," Kate told her. "Come on; you've got a girls day with Martha waiting on you and I've got case work waiting on me…maybe things will look better tomorrow."

"We can only hope so," Johanna agreed as she fetched her purse. "And if I didn't tell you last night; thank you for arranging a change of venue for me today."

"No problem...you can owe me one."

"Let me know when you want to collect," she replied; thinking to herself that she probably owed her daughter a few hundred favors by now, but that wasn't a worry that gnawed at her; she'd find ways to repay Kate for all she had done and was still doing…it was the state of her marriage that kept her awake at night and she hoped that turmoil would end soon.


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews. This chapter would fit between chapters 39 and 40 of Apologize._

Chapter 10- Almost Home

Three days after the meeting with Agent Jenkins following Bracken's arrest; Johanna sat on the foot of the bed in Kate's guest room; her elbows resting on her knees as she stared down at the floor. Her suitcases had been pulled from the closet; two of them open on the bed and half packed. She sighed; she had been anticipating this moment for so long and yet she couldn't revel in it like she would've liked to. Her mind was too bogged down with thoughts of her impending trip to Wyoming; her list of things that needed taken care of that she and Jim had composed the night before; the knot in her stomach at the thought of getting on the plane. Johanna closed her eyes; she didn't want to go…she didn't want to tie up loose ends; she didn't want to make explanations. She'd rather disappear from Wyoming; as if she had never been there to begin with…but apparently she couldn't do that.

"Hey," Kate said as she stood in the doorway. "Are you taking a break already? Dad will be finished with his errands and back here with dinner before long."

"I know," she replied as she raised her head.

"So what's the problem?"

"I've just got a lot on my mind, Katie."

"Bracken's not getting out," her daughter said; her tone gentle but firm. "Bail was denied and his assets are frozen. He's not going anywhere."

"I know," Johanna said while rising from the bed and returning to the drawer she had left open. "It's not really that; when I look at it as I would as an attorney, I know there's no chance he's going anywhere. It's other things."

"Like what?"

She hesitated as she lifted a pile of nightgowns from the drawer. "Wyoming," she finally murmured; busying her hands with packing the garments into her suitcase.

"What about it?"

"I don't want to go back there," Johanna whispered. "I just don't want to do it."

Kate moved further into the room. "It's going to be fine."

She sucked in a breath and forced herself to carry on the task of packing. She wasn't so sure it would be fine; she had an irrational fear that once she was back on the soil of Wyoming, something would happen that would keep her there. She couldn't stand the thought of that.

"Is there something in Wyoming that you're afraid of?" her daughter asked.

"No; I wouldn't really say that."

"Then what would you say?"

Johanna placed more clothes into her suitcase. "I'm afraid that once I'm there…," she trailed off.

Kate reached into the next drawer and pulled out pairs of jeans to assist in the packing. "Once you're there what? What are you afraid of?"

"That something will happen that will keep me there," Johanna admitted.

Her daughter shook her head. "That's not going to happen, Mom."

"It's just this huge knot in my stomach," she replied. "I didn't ever want to go back."

"I know but you have things to take care of. Are you afraid of how people will react when you tell them?

"I don't know," Johanna said honestly. "I haven't given that aspect much thought. I'm just afraid of going back there, that something will keep me there just when I gained my freedom."

"That's not going to happen; I promise."

"I know; it's an irrational fear…but I feel a lot of those cropping up at the moment."

Kate nodded. "Dad's mentioned that too."

"Mentioned what?"

"That you have a few fears cropping up all of a sudden…he says you hesitate when leaving the house."

"Yeah; well, I figure it's going to take some time to stop having the fear that if I leave I won't get to come back."

"Most likely," Kate agreed.

They packed in silence for a few more minutes until Johanna broke the quiet. "I just really don't want to go…I just want to go home and stay there."

"Think of it this way; the sooner you get Wyoming taken care of, the sooner you can go home and stay there."

"I wish it was that simple."

"What else is bothering you?" Kate asked. "I think it's more than just the fear of going back."

Johanna finished cleaning out a drawer, unsure if she should say what else was bothering her; she didn't want it to be taken the wrong way.

"Come on; you can tell me."

"I want my husband to go with me," she confessed. "I'd feel so much better if he went with me…I understand why he feels the way he does; why he doesn't want to go with me; but I just wish he could go. I could get through it so much better if he was with me. I'd feel safe if he was there."

Kate began to pull things from the closet as Johanna zipped one suitcase shut. "You know that it wasn't an easy decision for him to make; if he really thought he could do it, he'd go with you without any hesitation."

"I know it's not a decision he made lightly," her mother replied. "I'm not mad at him about it; I understand…but it doesn't make it any easier, you know?"

She nodded. "I know…I'm sure it probably stung a little despite understanding."

"It does…and I hate that it does because I really do understand and I would never want him to do something he's uncomfortable with. It's just that I always feel better when he's with me."

"You're going to be fine; I'm going with you. You've been here with me for months; did I let anything happen to you?"

"No," Johanna said; her voice taunt with emotion.

"Then do you think for a minute that I'd let anything happen to you in Wyoming? That I'd let something keep you there?"

"No…it's nothing against you, Katie. I appreciate that you're willing to go so I don't have to go by myself…because I don't feel like I could do it if I had to go alone."

"It's not a problem," her daughter assured. "I have some vacation days that I need to use up…and while it might not be the greatest vacation destination; I'm kind of looking forward to getting out of town for a few days."

"I don't doubt that," Johanna remarked. "It's been a long summer."

"It has been…but we've gotten through it."

"There were times when I wasn't sure we would."

Kate met her gaze. "Me too," she said softly.

"I feel relieved," Johanna said; "But I'm also afraid to let my guard down."

"I know the feeling…once we get this trip over with you'll be able to settle down."

"Settling would be nice; it's been good to wake up in my own house the last few days…but I do miss our Temptation Lane viewing party."

Kate smiled. "I miss it too…but we can still discuss the episodes."

Johanna placed some more things in her suitcase. "I worry."

"About what?"

"About losing the progress we've made once were not together so much."

Her daughter shook her head. "We'll be fine…I can't say we won't ever have rough spots, because that's our nature; but we're going to be fine."

She hoped that was true; she seemed to keep waiting for the rug to get ripped out from under her. "You'll visit often?"

"I'll visit," Kate replied. "You can visit me too, you know?"

"I know. You'll call?"

"I just told you that we'd still be discussing Temptation Lane," she told her. "I'm not going to cut off contact. I'll probably still be calling you to check on you for awhile out of habit."

"I don't mind," Johanna replied.

"Then you don't have anything to worry about, do you?"

Only time would truthfully tell that but Johanna figured she better give the correct answer. "No; I guess not."

"Can I ask you a question?" Kate asked while pulling more clothes from the closet.

"Anything."

"What happened to the dress you were wearing the first day we saw you at the precinct? Its not here…I noticed that awhile back."

"I threw it away," Johanna replied.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Because I was upset at how badly everything had gone and I just felt like that dress held bad memories. I do that sometimes; I throw out clothes that I feel are tainted."

"The day Grandma passed away, you were wearing a plum colored dress and jacket…you never wore it again," Kate recalled. "Is that why?"

"Yes…it was brand new; I had just cut the tags off of it that morning but I just couldn't bear to look at it. I did the same thing with the dress I wore to my grandfather's funeral. I don't know why I do it, but I've always been that way."

"It's probably not so unusual; I get how it could be tied to a memory you don't want to remember."

"When I threw away that dress I was wearing that day at the precinct; I figured I didn't have a chance of getting my family back. Nothing had gone as I had hoped; and I admit, my hopes were naïve; but I just couldn't keep that dress with that thought in mind."

"What about the ring?"

"What ring?"

"You were wearing a turquoise ring when you first came to stay with me," Kate replied. "You took it off and I never seen it again."

Johanna moved to the dresser and opened the small wooden jewelry box that was still sitting there. She took out the ring and stared at it for a moment. "I went to a festival with Carolyn once; about three years after I'd been in Wyoming. A Native American woman was selling various things; turquoise jewelry being one of them. She told us that the Indians regard it as a spiritual stone; that some see it as a stone that means protection…that other cultures believe it brings patience and emotional healing. When she mentioned that; Carolyn said I should buy one because even though I wouldn't tell her what had happened in my life to cause me to carry around such sadness, I was in definite need of emotional healing. I didn't feel that so much as the need of patience. I needed patience to wait for the right time to come home. It took longer than I wanted, but I got here…and so I took it off…because I didn't need to be patient anymore and it was a reminder of Wyoming."

"It's still a pretty ring," Kate told her. "You could still wear it…you did say the seller mentioned that some believe it brings protection."

"I know," Johanna said, her gaze on the ring for a moment before she held it out to Kate; "But I'd rather you have it…I always want you to be protected."

She shook her head. "You don't have to do that."

"I'm not doing anything other than giving you a hand me down," her mother replied. "I'm never going to wear it again, Katie; you don't have to wear it either, I'd just like for you to have it."

It didn't seem like something worth fighting over so Kate accepted the ring and slipped it onto her finger for the time being. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said as she reached back into the small box and pulled back the velvet lining.

"What's under there?" Kate asked.

"The pictures I managed to take with me the day I had to leave New York," her mother replied. "I had them wrapped in a tissue and when I had to go change clothes, I hid them in my bra so I could take them with me…I couldn't go without at least a picture."

Kate looked down at the pictures her mother laid out on the dresser; there was the family photo of her and her parents from when she was five. There was a picture of just her parents together. There was one of her senior photos and a picture of Naomi McKenzie. "You had them hid all of these years?"

"Not exactly hid once I got to Wyoming," she replied. "The only person who ever came to my house was Carolyn, so most of the time I had them on the dresser in small frames. If I knew she was coming, I'd tuck them away in the drawer just in case she'd walk through the hallway and catch a glance of them."

"I didn't even realize any pictures were missing from the albums," Kate remarked.

"I took them out of the little album that was in my desk."

"I don't think I opened that album…I just packed it in the box. I wish I had looked, maybe I would've noticed something, maybe it would've made me curious. Looking back, I see little things that I missed that probably would've told me something was off."

"Like what?" Johanna asked.

"Like the desk drawer where you always kept your current case work not having any files in it; just handwritten notes about a case you had already closed…that drawer was never that empty. You were always preparing cases; that drawer should've had more files and papers. You always kept a change of clothes in the closet and a spare pair of shoes…and when I cleaned out the closet; the clothes weren't there and neither were the shoes. Just a jacket you kept there for the spring. I didn't think anything of it then…but now, knowing that you've said several times that you had to change clothes that day, I figure those are the clothes you put on so that they could take the ones you were wearing when you left the house."

"That's right; a pair of black dress pants and a white sweater and a pair of black heels. I left the jacket behind so the closet wouldn't look so empty…and because I didn't care if I froze or not. I think a part of me was hoping that your father would notice and think that maybe something wasn't as it seemed."

"I feel like we missed a lot of signs back then," Kate murmured.

"It doesn't matter," Johanna replied quietly. "It's how it was supposed to be."

Her daughter exhaled a weighted breath. "At least it's over now."

"At least this part," Johanna said; a sigh crossing her lips with the words. "It's not completely over; there's a trial and Agent Jenkins didn't paint a pleasant picture when he brought up the media aspect. I hate the thought of that."

"Hopefully it won't be as bad as he made it seem."

"I hope not; but with the way my luck runs…"

Kate brushed a hand against her mother's back. "We'll worry about it when the time comes."

Her mother nodded. "I have to worry about going to Wyoming first."

"It's going to be fine; we'll be as quick as we can be."

"I don't want to be there any longer than necessary."

"We won't be. I know Dad went to notify his siblings about you yesterday because he had me calling to check on you while you were home alone but I never heard any more about it. Did he tell them?"

"He told them."

"How did it go?"

"He said that Andrew took it well; that he was understanding and accepting of everything."

"That's good," Kate said with a nod. "Uncle Andrew has always been an understanding, easy going guy."

"He always was my favorite brother-in-law," Johanna remarked. "God knows it wasn't Colleen's husband…or your Uncle William."

"I don't think anyone is a big fan of William," Kate replied. "Isn't he still in Germany? I doubt Dad called him; they haven't spoken in years."

"Yes, he's still in Germany and no your father didn't call him; he can hear it through the grapevine."

"What about Uncle Michael and Aunt Natalie?"

Johanna took a few shirts off the hangers and began to fold them. "I figure that didn't go too well…your father didn't seem to want to give me too many details; which tells me he was trying to spare my feelings and I didn't have the heart to push him on it. He just said that it would take time. I could tell though that it hadn't been an easy visit and that they most likely had words; he had that look on his face…and I feel terrible for it. I don't want to come between him and his brother."

"I'm sure it'll work out; it's probably just temporary until Uncle Michael and wrap his head around things. What about Aunt Madelyn."

Johanna glanced at her. "That one didn't go well at all…he mentioned that Madelyn should go join up with my sister because they're both alike. He also said that she's becoming like your grandmother…only a worse version of her…that thought alone is enough to make you shudder."

"I haven't seen her in awhile," Kate replied. "Every time I do she has some smart ass remark to make about my job. Apparently it's beneath the family."

"That's rich coming from a woman who worked in retail until she could find a rich sucker to marry long enough to end up with a large divorce settlement."

Kate smirked in amusement. "Yeah; well, you know how Madelyn is; she seems to think she's some kind of undiscovered royalty or something."

"I've got a newsflash for her; she isn't."

"Did Dad call or visit any of my cousins? Like Mikey and Angie; Danny and Alicia?"

"I don't know, Katie; if he did, he didn't say. He seemed pretty disappointed with Michael and Madelyn so he might've just called it a day. I don't know if Gabby was home when he told Andrew or not but she never knew me so it probably won't affect her much."

"She'll probably know you soon enough," Kate replied; "And I'm sure she'll love you. Gabby's a nice girl; a bit quiet and shy at first but once she's warmed up to you she'll be chatty."

"I hope so; I enjoy being an aunt and I'd like to properly spoil her before she gets any older."

"I'm sure you'll get a chance whenever she isn't stuck with Madelyn; that's who she stays with when Uncle Andrew travels. She hates it."

"I don't doubt that but how do you know?"

"She spent a weekend with me last winter," Kate answered. "Andrew was only going on a short trip but she didn't want to go along; she gets tired of traveling with him. I had taken the weekend off because I had days I needed to use before the end of the year and Dad mentioned that Andrew was looking for someone she could stay with; Madelyn was out of town on her yearly winter cruise. I told Dad to tell him that I'd take her for the weekend."

"That was nice of you," Johanna replied. "What did you girls do?"

"I took her out for pizza and we did a little shopping and she talked me into getting our nails painted. It was a nice weekend; while we were out sightseeing, she told me how much she hates staying with Madelyn. Madelyn isn't the warmest person in the world as you know. I'd take her once in awhile but I never know when I'm going to get called out if I'm not using vacation days. I couldn't promise I'd be able to get her back and forth to school on time and I'd feel bad if I had to dump her on someone else while I was at work."

Her mother nodded in understanding. "And chances are, you probably would get interrupted if you picked a time where you didn't have to go in but were on call. She could stay with your father and I…if she likes me that is. I wouldn't mind."

"She'll like you; and most likely, Uncle Andrew will ask if you can take her once in awhile so she gets a break from Madelyn. Have you heard anymore from Uncle Frankie?"

"Yes," Johanna said as she zipped another suitcase shut. I talked to him and Valerie last night; we talked a little longer than we did the first time. It's still a little odd to think of him being as understanding as he's being about all of this but I am so glad he's willing to be around…at least I have one of my siblings."

"Maybe Aunt Colleen will come around."

Her mother scoffed. "I doubt it."

"Has Uncle Frankie told Greg, Claire and Trevor?"

"Yes; he said they're all fine with the news…but I don't think he'd tell me if they weren't."

"I wonder if Colleen has told her kids?"

Johanna smiled wryly. "Knowing my sister…and believe me, I know her like the back of my hand, she's told everyone who's willing to listen so she can paint a picture of how terrible it's all been for her; how she'll suffer from this, how I'm a terrible person and she's been betrayed for kicks."

"If she wants to be kicked, I'll be more than happy to do it," Kate remarked.

"Frankie said you probably weren't even off Colleen's street before she was ringing his phone…and she wasn't happy to hear that he knew before she did."

Kate rolled her eyes. "God she's petty."

"You don't know the half of it."

"Well at least the immediate family has now been notified," her daughter replied.

"Yeah; but I have other relatives who haven't been and who will probably see it from the news unless Colleen's composed a group email to our cousins. Frankie says my Aunt Bridget is still alive and well on Long Island…I asked him if he could have someone tell her so she doesn't hear it on the news. She's an elderly woman now and I don't want her hearing about it that way."

"I'm sure Frankie will take care of it," Kate said. "Everything important will be taken care of before the world at large knows. I still can't believe that Dad told Jeff early on in all of this."

"He needed someone to confide in, Katie; he knew he could trust Jeff. Jeff loves all of us and he'd never jeopardize us."

"I know he's trustworthy…I was just a bit surprised."

"Well since you already know that he knew; your father snuck him over here one day to visit."

"What!?"

"Your father wanted to cheer me up; it was after you found my father's letter."

Kate blew out an exasperated breath. "He's so lucky I didn't come home early."

Johanna nodded. "We all held our breaths a little."

"Anything else I need to know about that went on behind my back? Did he sneak you out for a lunch date…because I wouldn't have put it past him."

"No…but we did ponder it once or twice. I told him it wasn't worth what would happen if we got caught."

"You have no idea how right you are about that," Kate declared. "You would've spent your days handcuffed to my desk while I was at work and he would've had supervised visitation."

"I'm glad we refrained," Johanna replied. "That doesn't sound like my idea of fun."

"You better believe it."

They finished packing Johanna's clothes and shoes and then stood looking around the room at the things that were still left. "I should've brought my overnight bag back with me," Johanna said. "That's what I used for my laptop, jewelry box, books and other odds and ends."

"I have a bag you can borrow for today," Kate told her. "Unpack it tonight and I'll pick it up tomorrow so I can pack for our trip."

"Alright; I'll deal with the rest when I get home from Wyoming."

While Kate was off finding the bag she could use; Johanna gathered the items she needed to cram in it; her worries sweeping across her mind once again. She worried about the upcoming trip; hated that Jim wasn't going with her…worried about leaving him behind and dredging up bad memories for both of them. She worried that it would be too much for Katie; that they'd end up at odds with each other and that it would drive a wedge between them.

"Here you go," her daughter said as she reappeared in the room with the large overnight bag.

"Thank you," Johanna murmured as she accepted it and started to pack her things into it.

"I leave the room for two minutes and come back and you've got that look on your face again," Kate remarked.

"What look?"

"The same one you had on your face when I came in a little while ago…like you're thinking too much."

"I do a lot of that."

"What is it this time?"

Johanna continued to pack the bag, choosing her words carefully. "Katie…are you going to be alright going with me to Wyoming? I mean really alright?"

"If I wasn't, would I go?"

"You might," she said gently. "You might go for your father so he won't feel badly for not going with me."

"No; I told him the day of the meeting that I'd go if he didn't think he could."

"I know…but I don't want you to feel like you have to…you've already done so much; I hate asking for more."

"I don't mind," Kate assured.

"You're going to be fine with seeing it?"

"Seeing what?"

"Seeing where I lived?"

She nodded. "I can handle it, Mom. I'll be fine."

"You're sure?" Johanna asked as she shoved some of her books into the bag.

"I'm positive…do you not want me to go."

Her mother's eyes widened; her gaze darting to her face. "Of course I want you to go, Katie. If it can't be your father then I want it to be you. I can't stand the thought of going alone but if it was going to be too much for you, I would've made myself…or just put it off indefinitely somehow."

"We're going to go and get it over with," Kate told her; "And then you can settle in at home, relax, get back to being you without all the restrictions that have been holding you down."

"That's the plan; but I don't see the worry disappearing overnight."

"You can work on it."

Johanna nodded as she finished putting things in the bag and then zipped it shut. They toted the luggage to the living room to await Jim's return and then stood there in the center of the room for a long minute in silence.

"It's been strange not having dinner with you the last few nights," Johanna commented. "And breakfast too."

Kate shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans, her gaze darting between her mother and some invisible point on the wall. "I know…I stayed here last night and it felt strange without you."

Johanna swallowed hard. "I guess I can't convince you to move back home for awhile?"

Her daughter laughed. "No; I'm sorry."

"It was worth a shot," her mother said with a shrug, a touch of amusement lighting up her eyes despite the sheen of tears glistening in them.

"I probably would've thought less of you if you hadn't tried," Kate jested; trying to ease the lump growing in her throat.

"I'm glad I brought it up then; I wouldn't want that blemish on my record…but you can come home anytime for anything, you know?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I know…you gave me this speech when you were leaving me in my dorm room the first time."

Johanna sighed. "Well; I kind of feel like I'm leaving you in your dorm room again…but at least I don't have to do my crying on the plane ride home this time."

"I bet the other passengers just loved you that day."

Her mother smirked. "I don't give a damn if they liked it or not; it was my baby I had to leave at college; not theirs."

"If it makes you feel any better; I cried a little too when I was alone."

"Good; that's what you get for going all the way to California," Johanna remarked.

Kate grinned. "You've been holding that one in for a long time, haven't you?"

"Yes; yes I have…but at least a plane ride doesn't separate us anymore."

"And yet you still look like you're ready for a crying jag."

"I am ready for it," Johanna admitted. "I'm happy to be going home but at the same time, it's not easy to leave you. It never has been."

"I know…but it's not like we're never going to see each other again," Kate replied.

"I know, I got that speech in your dorm room," her mother said; tossing her words back in her face.

"Smart ass," her daughter said lightly.

"Like mother, like daughter," Johanna told her.

Kate nodded and moved toward her. "Let's get the crying stuff over with before Dad gets here…you know he hates the crying."

"I know; he was very unhappy our plane ride home from Stanford," Johanna said as her daughter wrapped her in a hug.

"That's why we better get it done now."

Johanna held her on to her tightly; allowing a few tears to slip free. "I love you so much," she whispered.

"I love you too."

"Thank you for letting me stay with you and everything else that you did."

Kate's hold tightened. "You're welcome; it wasn't a problem. Thank you for putting up with my attitude when you first came to stay."

"It's okay; I lived with you when you were a teenager; I was used to your mood swings."

Kate smiled despite the tears filling her eyes as she held onto her mother; breathing in the scents she remembered from her childhood; strawberries and a note of soft floral perfume. "We did okay once we got used to each other again."

"You're right; we did…we got through it…and I'm coming over unannounced every so often to check your refrigerator because I am not letting you backslide into that mess that was here when I arrived."

Her daughter laughed; emotion evident in her tone. "I'll get you a key…and if you'd happen to get extremely mad at Dad and need a place to stay; you can always take up residence in the guest room again until he comes to his senses."

"I appreciate that," Johanna told her as Kate's hold loosened.

"We'll be okay," Kate murmured as she pulled away from the embrace.

Johanna nodded and swiped away the stray tear on her daughter's cheek. "I know…it's just a new period of adjustment."

"Right; we got through the big one so the rest should be easier."

"At least we hope so."

"You're usually the more optimistic one, Mom."

"I'll do better once I have a few less worries and relax a little," Johanna replied; wiping away her own tears.

"I know you will; probably once we get back from Wyoming you'll be better. You're almost all the way home for good."

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled. "I can't wait to be all the way home for good."

"You're almost there; just this one last step," Kate said, as she took her hand. "We're going to do it together just like we've done this whole thing."

Her mother gave her a wobbly smile and squeezed her hand. "We're a good team."

"The best."

Before Johanna could reply, Jim's knock sounded on the door and she quickly wiped away the evidence of her tears. She was almost there; once Wyoming was taken care of, she'd be home for good and she wouldn't even have to leave again. She could this…she had to, she had no choice; but it was a little easier to face knowing that Kate would see it through with her.


	11. Chapter 11

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! This chapter would be set during chapter 40 of Apologize._

Chapter 11- A Ray of Sunshine

Their second evening in Wyoming carried the same oppressive feelings that the first night had, Kate mused as she sat at the kitchen table while her mother washed dishes. She had offered to dry but her mother had shooed her away, claiming she needed to keep her hands busy. Usually she wouldn't be bothered by that; but she kind of felt the need to be busy too, she thought to herself. She didn't mind being in Wyoming; it was a quiet place; pretty from what she had seen of it; but Johanna Beckett was in a constant state of agitation. Nothing seemed to soothe her; nothing seemed to make her feel any better about being temporarily back in her hideaway. It was hard to watch but she was doing her best to be patient with her. She was about to retreat to the living room to watch TV when she heard a soft scratching noise at the screen door leading to the back porch.

Kate got up and crossed the kitchen, the back door was open and she saw no human threat; but as she reached the screen door and peered down at the porch; she spotted the grey and white cat that her mother had pictures of. "Mom; I think you have a visitor."

"Who?" Johanna asked; pulling her hands from the soapy water.

"Come and see for yourself."

Johanna made her way to the door and smiled as she saw the stray cat scratching and meowing at her door. She unlocked the screen door and pushed it open, Sunny slipping inside and rubbing up against her ankle with a purr.

"Your cat, I presume?" Kate asked.

"The neighborhood cat, but yes; this is Sunny," she said with a smile before she knelt down to pet the cat.

"I thought you said she only came in when it was cold?"

"She'll stay in if it's very cold out," Johanna remarked; "But she will come in the house on occasion for a little while in the summer; I think she gets hot and she wants a cool place to nap."

"Uh huh," her daughter remarked. "And where does Sunny usually nap when she stops by?"

"Usually here in the kitchen; the linoleum is a cool spot for her to rest on. Isn't she cute?" Johanna asked as she picked up the cat and rose to her feet.

Kate smiled and reached out to pet the cat. "She is an adorable little fur ball."

"Sunny; this is, Katie; I've told you all about her."

"The cat knows all of your secrets, does she?"

Johanna nodded. "I had to tell them to somebody; and I knew she wouldn't blab."

"That's true; she is a pretty safe bet."

"Are you hungry?" Johanna asked the cat. "Do you need something to eat?"

Sunny meowed and she put her down to make her way to the cupboard where she pulled down a small bowl and a can of cat food.

"You even keep cat food on hand."

"Well of course; what else would I feed her? I'm not the only one who does this, Katie. Everyone feeds her cat food or some scraps."

"I know; you've told me…it's just easy to see that you love her," she replied.

"I do love her," Johanna said as she put down the dish of food and then a bowl of water; her hand petting the cat lovingly before leaving her to her meal.

"How long as she been hanging around?"

"Since she was a kitten," she answered as she returned to the sink to finish the dishes. "She's been around for a good while; at least five years, maybe a little more."

"No one's tried to keep her inside?"

"People have tried but she always wants back out…I tried to get her to stay as a kitten but as soon as I'd open the door, she'd slip out. She likes to roam…she likes to visit everyone."

"She must've missed you this summer," Kate remarked; her gaze on the cat as it ate the meal her mother had provided.

"She's the only thing here that I wish I could keep," her mother admitted.

"So keep her," Kate replied. "Take her back to New York with you."

Johanna shook her head. "I can't, Katie. She wouldn't like it."

"She'd probably adjust after a few days," she said, watching as Sunny got a drink and then moved to Johanna's side to rub her face against her leg, purring as she did so. "She knows you, she clearly loves you."

"I don't want to take the chance that she couldn't make the adjustment…she's been roaming free for a long time; I coax her in when temperatures are freezing cold and she allows that because I guess she knows it's necessary…but when it warms up enough; she's pawing at the door to get back out and I let her go because that's what she likes and it's what she's used to. I do feel bad that she'll think I've abandoned her though…I do wish I could take her but I just don't think she'd like it."

"Well, I guess you can explain it all to her; since you tell her your secrets," Kate quipped.

Johanna smirked at her. "You go ahead and make fun of me all you want; she's a good listener."

"There's not much else she could be."

"She could be anti-social."

"Okay; I'll give you that one," Kate replied as she moved to the sink and began drying the dishes despite her mother's earlier order. It didn't escape her notice that her mother didn't try to shoo her away with the words 'I'll do it' but merely went about finishing her own task as she kept an eye on the cat at her feet.

When they finished, they retreated to the living room, Sunny trailing alongside Johanna. Kate studied the pair, watching as Johanna settled down in the chair and Sunny leaped up onto her lap and curled up there as if it was something she did all the time. Her mother stroked its fur lovingly with one hand as she picked up the remote to flip channels. The cat purred in contentment, its eyes closing in anticipation of a nap on a comfortable, familiar lap. She smiled a little; seeing some of the tension ease from her mother's posture.

"Did you buy the flea collar she has on?" Kate asked.

"No; the neighbor next door puts them on her; he's a vet; he makes sure she's got her shots and that she's taken care of flea wise. She doesn't visit them for a few days after the shots are given."

Her daughter laughed softly. "I guess I probably wouldn't either; she probably figures she didn't stop by for that."

"True," Johanna said with a smile; her hand still moving over the cat.

"Does she nap on your lap often?"

"Every time she comes to visit…I don't mind; it's almost as good as having a baby to cuddle."

"I feel like that might be veering into the 'give me grandchildren' area."

Johanna shook her head, a smile clinging to her lips. "No lectures about that right now," she assured. "I know I need to do some packing tonight; I'll get to it as soon as Sunny is through with her nap; I don't want to disturb her by getting up."

"That's alright; we'll get it done," Kate said. "Sit there with your cat for awhile; I'm sure you missed her."

* * *

An hour passed, the cat still curled up on Johanna's lap and the woman herself looked more relaxed than she had been in the last 48 hours. Kate subtly raised her phone and clicked a picture as her mother's focus was on the TV. She attached the picture to a text to her father along with the message _"You might want to consider getting your wife a cat; this is the most relaxed she's been since we boarded the plane."_

Jim's reply came a minute later. _"Throw her in a carrier and bring her home."_

She couldn't resist the urge to tease him. " _Mom or the cat? Because if it's Mom, I don't think they have a carrier that would contain her and her wrath."_

" _Ha Ha, aren't you funny," her father replied. "I meant the cat…your mother doesn't need a carrier; she'll run to the plane on her own."_

" _That's the truth."_

" _How is she really doing?"_ he asked. _"She puts on a bit of a brave front when she calls; I know she's not as fine as she tries to make me believe. She hangs up when she's getting emotional…she did that today when she called to tell me she had transferred her money."_

" _She's okay; but she's far from comfortable with being here,"_ Kate responded. _"She's been a bit agitated all day; at least until the cat showed up on the porch."_

" _I take it that's the stray she's mentioned feeding; the one she has pictures of?"_

" _Yes; that's Sunny."_

" _She really can bring her home with her if she wants; I don't mind."_

" _I'll let her know,"_ she replied before laying the phone aside; her gaze meeting her mother's just as she glanced over at her.

"What are you doing?" Johanna asked. "Texting Rick?"

"No; I was just showing Dad that the only secret love affair you have in Wyoming is with a cat."

"Oh God; don't bring that up; especially with me being here and him being there. People have a way of getting into his head with things like that."

"I didn't use those words," she assured. "I just sent him a picture of the cat. He said that you can bring Sunny home with you if you want; he doesn't mind."

She smiled softly; her fingertips moving gently against Sunny's fur. "I appreciate that he'd so willingly let her come home with me and I would love to have her; but she's an outdoor cat and I'd be afraid that she'd get out and try to find her way back here. Wyoming is her home and she'd probably miss it…and if she got hurt or lost trying to get back here; I'd feel terrible about it forever. I do love her, but she's better off here where she knows everyone in the neighborhood and she feels at home."

"I understand," Kate replied. "It's just that she seems to have been a nice little companion. She relaxes you…and you love her."

Johanna exhaled a soft breath, looking down at the cat asleep on her lap. "She was a little ray of sunshine among all the gloom of my life. Sometimes it seemed like she'd show up when I needed someone or something the most. Sometimes it felt like someone was watching over me and knew when to nudge her my way."

"If anyone did send her at the right times; it was probably Grandma Naomi."

Her mother gave a slight nod. "If I thought for sure she'd be alright making the trip, I'd take her…but I can't be sure."

"Maybe when you get home and you're settled for awhile you can get a kitten…not to replace Sunny," she said hurriedly; "But just because you like cats and maybe it would be good for you to have one."

"Maybe I will get a kitten one day…I always wanted one."

"Then why didn't we get one when I wanted one?" Kate asked with a raised brow.

"Blame your father; I was all for it. He's the one that convinced me that it wasn't a good idea because you wouldn't take care of it and it would be home alone a lot with us at work and you in school. I told him I'd take care of it but he said it should be your responsibility and you wouldn't do it after the newness wore off. That's why you got a goldfish instead."

Kate laughed. "I was a little disappointed at first but then I loved Bubbles."

"Yeah; I know," Johanna said; shifting slightly but not enough to disturb the cat.

"Remember when you let me go on vacation with Uncle Frankie and Aunt Valerie and their kids and I made you swear to take good care of Bubbles? I was so worried that something would happen to him."

"Yes, I remember," her mother said, with a slight laugh and a guilty look in her eyes.

Kate's brow rose as she studied her mother. "When I came home, Bubbles had a little black dot on his side that he didn't have when I left…you told me he got a freckle because his bowl sat on my desk and the sunlight hit him."

She nodded. "That's right; he got a freckle."

Feeling like it was possible her childhood might've been partly a lie; Kate picked up her phone and did a Google search. "Fish don't get freckles," she said; accusation in her tone.

Johanna closed her eyes for a second and then sighed. "Okay; I can't take the guilt any longer. While you were away, Bubbles died."

"How?"

"We're not quite sure," her mother said; "I went in to feed him one morning and he was just floating at the top of the bowl."

Kate's eyes narrowed. "What did you do to my fish?"

"Well…you see, I didn't know that your father was feeding him when he got up in the morning…so then I'd feed him too…and from what we heard from a client of your father's who had veterinary expertise; we may have been overfeeding him which would've caused some issues…and that it wasn't the best idea to have the bowl on your desk because the sunlight might've heated up the water…that's why we had you move the bowl to your dresser; so Bubbles wouldn't get anymore freckles."

"Bubbles was dead! That fish wasn't my Bubbles!"

"Well you didn't know that!" Johanna exclaimed. "I went to great lengths to make sure you didn't know that he had died on our watch. I couldn't bear the thought of your devastation…or how you might lose faith in us. Your father wanted to tell you the truth but I just couldn't be branded a fish killer, Katie. I went to six different pet stores trying to find a fish that looked exactly like Bubbles…and they laughed at me at every store for every fish I rejected. The last store had a fish that was as close to Bubbles as I could get…and he had that little spot on his side that I hoped you wouldn't notice…but of course you did! I was on the spot and I had no choice but to tell you that he had gotten a freckle from the sun. You believed me, you were happy, the fish lived a good while since we learned how to properly care for it. I'm so sorry…I just wanted to protect your heart; I didn't want you to be upset; I didn't want you to hate me; because you would've blamed me more than your father and really it was all his fault for not telling me that he was already feeding the fish!"

Kate shook her head. "You bunch of lying fish killers. What did you do with the real Bubbles?"

"Your father disposed of him…I couldn't watch so he waited until I was out shopping for the replacement."

"This story is a prime example of why we should've gotten a cat instead."

"Well tell that to your father," Johanna replied. "I did the best I could for you; I did what any mother would've done."

"A lot of mothers would've just said that the fish died of natural causes."

"Yes…that would've been the answer I would've given if you hadn't been away at the time. No one would've been under suspicion of fish murder if you had been home. So really, I had no choice."

"You had a choice," Kate remarked.

"I didn't; mothers protect their childrens hearts when it's possible."

"By buying a freckled fish?"

"Hey, my brother had a little turtle when we were in grade school; one day he came up missing. My mother told Frankie that the turtle got loose when she was cleaning his little container and that he ran away…to this day, we have no idea what really happened to the turtle."

"The turtle ran away?" Kate repeated. "Seriously? She told him that it ran away and he believed that? A slow moving turtle just up and ran off and couldn't be caught?"

"He was eight; he would've never thought that our mother would lie to him. Future discussion about what happened to Mel was always quickly directed into a different topic."

"Mel? The turtle was named Mel?"

"Yes; what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing I guess; I just can't believe you all bought the 'he ran away excuse'."

"Why not? Until you were 32 you believed your goldfish developed a freckle; you didn't even bat an eye."

Kate smirked at her. "This family has issues."

"Yes; but we're fun…sometimes."

She shook her head. "I can't believe you killed my fish."

"I'd rather believe it was your father's fault…he was a culprit, you know; don't leave him out of the blame."

"Oh he'll hear about it the next time I talk to him," she said as Sunny raised her head.

"Look who's awake," Johanna said; anxious to change the topic from her past history as a bad fish sitter.

"I'm glad you took better care of her than my fish," Kate replied.

"I feel guilty enough, Katie. I've been living with that secret since you were seven."

"I'm just saying; it's good to see that your pet skills have improved."

"Oh hush," she told her as Sunny rubbed her head against her chest with a purr. She petted her and wasn't at all surprised that she jumped down from her lap after she had been sufficiently loved up.

"Is she leaving?" her daughter asked.

"Probably," Johanna said as she got up to follow Sunny to the kitchen.

Kate trailed behind, moving to stand in the doorway of the kitchen with her mother as they watched Sunny finish the last bit of cat food, get another drink of water and then move to the backdoor. The cat scratched at the bottom of the door and meowed.

"She's ready to roam again," Johanna remarked as she pushed away from the doorway with a sigh. She moved through the kitchen and gave the cat one more pat. "Thanks for stopping by, Sunny," she told her. "It's always nice when you visit. I hope you come back before I leave."

Sunny meowed as if she understood and Johanna opened the back door and pushed open the screen door to let her out. She watched as Sunny moved down the steps and then across the backyard until she rounded the small hedges and disappeared from view.

"I think it's going to be hard for you to say goodbye to her," Kate said as she moved to her side.

"Maybe a little," she admitted. "But she'll be okay; she has plenty of people who take care of her."

She slipped her arm around her mother's waist. "You'll be okay too."

Johanna sighed softly. "In time I will be…I hope we all will be."


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews and your support of this little collection of deleted Mother/Daughter scenes from Apologize that I decided to do on a whim for the ficathon._

Chapter 12- Getting the Job Done

While Castle and Jim carried the luggage into the house; Kate and Johanna moved into the living room. "Do you feel better now?" Kate asked as Johanna dropped her purse on the coffee table.

"Yes," Johanna said; toeing off her heels. "I felt better as soon as we touched down."

"You did do better on this plane ride," she quipped lightly.

"That's because we were going in the right direction…and I had the two people who matter most with me."

Kate nodded. "See, we told you that nothing would keep you there; we got you back home."

"I know; and I'm glad. Thank you for going with me, Katie. You didn't have to but I appreciate that you did."

"It wasn't a problem; I had a nice time…as odd as that seems given the circumstances."

Johanna smiled. "I know what you mean; I have a couple of good memories from the trip myself."

"I'm glad," she replied. "If you have to think of Wyoming; you can think of those memories…and the cat; which I still say you should've brought with you."

"Don't make me feel even worse about that, Katie," she chastened gently. "The only thing that made it easier was you telling the neighbor to take care of her, especially in the winter, because I was moving back to where my family lives."

"I wanted you to know that if you weren't taking her that she'd be taken care of," her daughter replied.

"I did feel a little better about it."

"But you wish you had brought her home with us?"

"A little; but she'll be okay."

"Are _you_ okay?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," her mother replied with a nod. "I'm okay; I'm glad to be home…when you leave I'm locking the door and I'm not going out for awhile."

"I don't know if Dad will let you get away with that."

"I guess we'll see," Johanna replied; but personally she didn't think Jim would have any problem with her desire to stay in their home for a few days without leaving. "How about you; are you okay?"

"I'm good," Kate said. "I think the trip was needed; I feel like I relaxed a lot, got to unwind from the last several months."

"Good; I'm glad to hear that," her mother stated. "You do look more rested; and don't take that the wrong way."

"I know what you mean…I do look in the mirror."

Johanna smiled; feeling an odd sense of awkwardness setting in between them. She thought they had gotten through this moment when she packed to leave Katie's apartment; but it was upon them again, this time with Wyoming behind them and their moves back to a new sort of normal more firmly upon them. "Are you going home to your apartment tonight or are you going to stay with Rick?"

"I'm going to stay with Rick," she answered. "Why; do you need something?"

"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "I just like to know where you are."

"You'll be able to find me if you need me," her daughter replied. "If I wouldn't answer the phone and it's an emergency; call Castle, he's usually with me."

"I know," she replied; "I'm not deleting anyone's number."

"Good; don't."

Johanna sighed and raked her fingers through her hair. "How long do you think we have?"

Confusion flickered in Kate's eyes. "What do you mean?"

"How long do you think we have before the next cycle starts…the media and whatever else is brings with it?"

Kate shifted on her feet. "Truthfully?"

Her mother nodded. "Yeah; truthfully."

"Probably not as long as we'd like," she answered.

"That's what I was afraid of," Johanna replied.

"Try not to worry about it until we need to."

"Easier said than done," her mother replied. "I'm a born worrier."

"I've noticed."

"You're not exactly worry free yourself, Katie."

"I know; but we do it differently."

Johanna nodded. "You take after your father in that way."

"I can't believe he wouldn't let us help carry in the bags," Kate said with a soft scoff.

Her mother smiled. "Well, he's a gentleman…and he figures since Rick was with you, he could help."

Kate was quiet for a moment and then met her mother's eye. "Well; a few weeks ago I told you'd be home soon…it hasn't even been a while month since your anniversary and here you are…to stay."

A smile touched Johanna's lips. "I'm glad you were right…there were times when I didn't think I'd ever get back here; but I'm glad I was wrong. I'm so glad to be home…for good."

"Can you do me a favor?" Kate asked.

"What's that?"

"If anyone writes you a letter again, have Dad read it and then throw it in the garbage."

Johanna gave a nod. "I won't be accepting anymore of those kind of letters, I promise."

"I'm holding you to that."

"You have my word…and you'll be careful, no matter what case you're working on?"

"Of course."

"And if something happens that I'm going to end up seeing on the news; you'll call first and let me know you're fine?" Johanna asked.

"Yes; I'll do my best."

"That sounds promising," her mother replied. "It is one of your father's main complaints you know?"

Kate nodded. "I've heard…believe me, I've heard."

"It'll be worse if you have to hear it from me."

"No doubt about that."

"Then you better keep me in the loop."

"I will," she promised. "If you need me; call…I don't except any trouble from Bracken now that he's in a cell and can't access his money; but if you'd feel like something isn't right; call me."

"I will," Johanna replied, her hands slipping into the pockets of her jeans. "This has that leaving you in the dorm room feeling again."

Kate smiled a little. "But this time I'm leaving you."

"That's true…and at least it's not the nut ward you're leaving me at."

"I wouldn't send you there unless it was absolutely necessary," her daughter teased.

"That's nice of you," she said with a soft laugh.

They heard the muted sound of the trunk of the car being closed outside; the sound of male voices coming up the walk to hull in the luggage they had carried to the porch. Johanna and Kate glanced at each other at the same time; knowing the moment had come…that familiar dorm room feeling filling the air between them once again. A new chapter was upon them; their recovered bond feeling somewhat fragile as they both faced the reality that things would be different now; they wouldn't be together every day and every night as they had been the last few months. It was an odd feeling for Kate; a wrenching one for Johanna who was afraid of losing the balance she had recovered with her daughter.

Without a word, they stepped toward each other for a tight embrace; no words being spoken for a moment as they hung on to each other.

"I'm glad you went with me," Johanna finally said; breaking the silence as they continued to hug each other.

"Me too; I didn't mind."

"I love you," her mother murmured.

"I love you too, Mom."

"No matter what happens next," Johanna whispered; "No matter whatever happens at any time; I'll always love you with everything I have in me."

"I know," Kate whispered; squeezing her eyes shut; trying not to think about the unknown waters they'd have to navigate in the upcoming months as Bracken's arrest and trial would dominate headlines for a long time to come. For a moment she wished they were sitting so she could lean over and press her ear against her mother's heart as she had always done as a child but since they were standing, she settled for squeezing her tighter.

Johanna pulled back after a moment, moisture glistening in her eyes as she gave her daughter a smile; her hands moving to cup her face, making her lower her forehead so that she could press a kiss to it. "We'll get it through it," she told her softly.

"Through what?" she asked.

"Through whatever comes next," her mother replied. "We got through chapter one; now we just have to get through chapter two…and we will; you know why?"

"Why?"

Johanna smiled. "Because the Beckett women get the job done."

Kate grinned. "Always…we're unstoppable."

"That's right; unstoppable; tenacious, temperamental, and a hundred little things in between."

"Don't forget that important one."

"Which one?" Johanna asked.

Kate curled her hand around her mother's and smiled. "In this family, it's always Like Mother, Like Daughter."

Johanna smiled; her fingers giving Kate's a squeeze. "It is a family tradition; I'm so glad to share it with you."

"Me too," her daughter replied. "I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
